Back from another lapse from blogging. Thanksgiving intervened, of course. And this sense that continues to grow upon me that snacking is not making portion control any easier. It just adds to my calorie input each day. I'm not sure where to go with that. Where I went yesterday was to cook cabbage, enough for 3 regular size bowls. Today, where I went was to eat a token chunk of roast beef in the midst of cutting papaya and honeydew into cubes. The papaya was inedible pretty much. The skin was still green and the flesh was tough and flavorless. I'm told one can make a good salsa and curry with under-ripe papaya. I froze it in hopes of being more juicy upon thawing. We'll see. The melon was ready to eat and I had a few bites, but then froze two quart baggies of cubes.
I made pizza with some whole wheat pizza dough, a couple chicken breasts cubed and moistened with bbq sauce and sauted in bacon grease. Also sliced mushrooms, pineapple wedges, some canned pizza sauce and and 8-oz package of pizza cheese (shredded 4-cheese blend). The crust didn't cook well. No rise, and still a bit doughy. But the toppings meshed well. I had about 1/3 the pie. Donna had a bit, leaving a little less than half to keep as leftovers. Why could I leave this alone, having a small breakfast, and almost nothing since? When the other day I had a big breakfast at 8, a sandwich at 11:30 and again at 3, and then that evening eat (practically) a whole meat loaf and a baked potato, and crave more. Does snacking make me hungry and fasting make me moderate? Does this passover-level frenzy to purge sugar from my diet and my pantry yield a release from bondage to cravings?
My thoughts are headed dangerous places. Of course, the whole sugar/insulin thing is messed up by adiposity. No day to day dietary discipline can counter that, I'm told, not the low HDL. It's sustained reduction of adiposity that yields better regulation, or more normative, at least. But I creep toward greater adiposity -- and I don't believe because my hunger responds to glucose. My hunger responds to opportunity, perhaps. I dunno... I just dunno. I so often begin eating reluctantly, and then can't stop and must stop eating with even greater reluctance.
Anyhow -- I'm thinking the whole stomach volume thing and feedback circuitry is my driving biology. Which means -- bypass. Though I'm still not sure I wouldn't graze sufficiently to fill a golf-ball stomach with 6000 calories in the course of a day. I feel most helpless when I'm in grazing mode, hoping this bite or that bite will be enough, but the edge goes un-dulled.
Right now, I think I want to go back to eating when I'm hungry and fasting when I'm not. I think perhaps eating when I'm hungry lets me sense a change in my biology which signals it's time to stop. Eating when I'm not, because a schedule or commitment to a sponsor says I ought, only interferes with my satiety signaling. I'd rather not invite into my life the distorted satiety signalling of surgery, and all the other distortions that surgery provokes. But perhaps it's time to end this experiment with snacking and go back to filling a plate, and maybe another, with good tasting healthy foods. Go back to the same old dysfunction, but better than what I've put in its place, hoping for improvement, but gaining 5 pounds a month instead.
