I can't dance. Never could. In kindergarten. In dating days. In aerobics classes at age 30, 50 and almost 60. In furtive attempts to find company apart from the one I love. In clumsy attempts to enjoy the company of the one I love. I met her at a fraternity dance. She giggled and took pity. Dancing was not how we dated. There were weddings. One photo I can't get my hands on has me looking almost graceful dancing with my then-not-yet wife's sister. She was a kid. Dancing with kids I kinda loosen up.
Anyway -- this long neglected blog is a recovery blog, and dancing here leads to ruminations that I've tried somewhat to structure along 12-step lines. The last meeting I attended, the first week of the month is a 12&12 meeting -- the month being June, we read Step 6, from the OA book. An bit of interesting advice was in the book. There was -- go ahead and hit bottom with your character defects advice, and you gotta walk steps 1 to 3 with each of your character defects advice. I haven't done much in the way of walking those steps with the food.
Anyhow, at a recent aerobic dance class, there seemed to be a level of joy and silliness and energetic movement reached among all the folks, but not me. I was doing the usual tripping over my feet doing the simplest steps. Normally, when that happens I just amplify simple movements, of which I'm capable. Just couldn't do it this time around. I was pulled down, it seemed, in proportion to the uplift I witnessed around me. Tears began to flow. My response was to do stretching poses -- I can always find some stiffness to attend to. I kept active, if not energetic or engaged, until things came to an end. I even managed to try from time to time to re-engage, but not very heartily. -- And so I ruminated over thought mostly of anhedonia and autism and the partial success I have in much of life in being earnest in lieu of being adept. Some contexts, it just doesn't work.
This reliance on earnestness is something I pretty much take for granted as a good thing. A thing that keeps me engaged where no other quality or capacity seems adequate. But the Step 6 reading has me challenging this as a crutch. Though it is so inimical to my nature -- such things as Sir and Ma'am where rote politeness is hoped to soothe my lack of genuine consideration -- blame the autism...
Of course, I can conceive as how I'm not really Aspergers and I'm not really hypothymic or dysphoric. But I have to work to think that way. I take for granted that I'm all that. Though I've given up thinking myself schizo, though schitzo has been my nickname in various setting since high school. If I am all that, can I become not-that, or more closely identify myself with my departures from the labels than with my conformance to them? Close to 60, you just kind of get by with the compensatory behaviors that have served. And maybe find ways to shed ones that haven't. -- When I was younger, there was compensatory treatment, as well -- the 'he'll grow out of it' compensations. They're not so available. Anyhow -- the debate rages -- is habitual compensatory earnestness making me fat and making me sick and making me lonely and making me unhappy, or is it making me less so?
I've always presumed less so, but I've been nudged toward thinking perhaps there are other alternatives that a loving God can identify for me. I've not been too successful identifying my own, though I'm still fairly experiments. I might say, for one so close to the grave.
Friday, June 7, 2013
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Still stilled
I got a call from my sponsor, who I've not called in weeks. I thought I'll start calling again, but still haven't. Could have this morning -- I was up. But I was trying to plan my eating, and the same old blank. I did eventually make my mixed pilaf "Breakfast of Champions" with some leftover steak bits and trinity and radish slices. Decided on dinner of stuffed breasts -- prepackaged, but raw. Made them with some Rice-a-Roni with Parmesan sauce, heavily augmented with mirepoix, mushroom, and canned peas. Donna didn't eat any rice -- I got it all. Ate with some high fiber bread -- several slices. Pretty much a filling meal with this volume. It's 5 hours later, I still feel full. Breakfast was less filling, and I wasn't feeling that hungry before I dug in. That's typical for me.
Tomorrow is church stuff. Baptist in the morning, Episcopal at night. I guess OA in between. The baptists make a point of putting out non-sweets with all the pastries and such -- but boring non-sweets. Mostly bagel flats, quartered. I'm not adverse to sweets, but pretty much am willing to give them up, and so I do. Bottom line, when I've talked to my sponsor about Sunday morning with the baptists, she insists I plan ahead with something eaten beforehand. I see some leftover spaghetti in the fridge, and wonder where it came from. I forget when Donna last made spaghetti. But that seems a good thing to heat up for a morning meal. By my standards a light meal, and I just might do buffet lunch, which I'm permitting myself, though not CiCis. That's another thing I can't explain to an OA sponsor. What will the evening bring? Donna will have cooked -- perhaps for two. Having done a buffet, I won't need to be eating. I've pretty much given up thinking of any kind of evening snack as anything that will be enough. What I may do, just for kicks, is a Lipton soup packet and a tablespoon of Miso. Noodles an option. And of course, I'll want to get some veggies into it. But that's to be seen... The antibiotics have kicked in. But some liquids won't be unwelcome.
Tomorrow is church stuff. Baptist in the morning, Episcopal at night. I guess OA in between. The baptists make a point of putting out non-sweets with all the pastries and such -- but boring non-sweets. Mostly bagel flats, quartered. I'm not adverse to sweets, but pretty much am willing to give them up, and so I do. Bottom line, when I've talked to my sponsor about Sunday morning with the baptists, she insists I plan ahead with something eaten beforehand. I see some leftover spaghetti in the fridge, and wonder where it came from. I forget when Donna last made spaghetti. But that seems a good thing to heat up for a morning meal. By my standards a light meal, and I just might do buffet lunch, which I'm permitting myself, though not CiCis. That's another thing I can't explain to an OA sponsor. What will the evening bring? Donna will have cooked -- perhaps for two. Having done a buffet, I won't need to be eating. I've pretty much given up thinking of any kind of evening snack as anything that will be enough. What I may do, just for kicks, is a Lipton soup packet and a tablespoon of Miso. Noodles an option. And of course, I'll want to get some veggies into it. But that's to be seen... The antibiotics have kicked in. But some liquids won't be unwelcome.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Miso hungry
I went to the doctor today. The office has introduced walk-in hours. Other than that, I stayed up too late, slept too late and read quite a bit outdoors in 70 deg windy overcast. Won't be a day like that or yesterday for weeks, maybe months. Tomorrow promises to be sunny in high 40s which is nice. I'll go to the book swap at the recycling center. My car is already loaded from yesterday. By all rights I ought have gone to recycle today. Friday, I must be ready to get to the antique mall to tend to my booth and do the money stuff. It's Feb 1, after all. Perhaps I'll wear red.
Anyhow -- from the doc, I got cough syrup (codeine) and antibiotics. Again no culture or CBC. I keep bringing up sinus and chest congestion, rather chronic. I keep getting handed antibiotics. They've worked. Do I get sick more often than I should? I've often wondered --- even imagined AIDS, but my time as a blood donor has put to rest those suspicions. Of course there's CFIDS. I'm not even sure that's really a thing. It's not a thing that brings much in the way of relief. Just recrimination. Like most of what ails me.
After the doc, got myself to Whole Foods and the oriental grocery. Got my ferments -- kimchi and sauerkraut, both live culture. Also got miso for the first time. Serious miso, made with barley and aged two years. I specifically sought barley (muji) based on macrobiotic diet book. Got a few other things... papaya for one. Gonna have another go at it. I picked the ugliest yellowest one this time and not the shiny green that confounded me last time. I finally did make good use of all that one. At the oriental grocery I got some tamari soy sauce, again a macrobiotic thing. I got bonito and what I assume to be kombu, just labeled seaweed. And some buckwheat noodles.
Anyhow, I filled a small crock pot with about a quart of water and a couple four inch squares of the seaweed that I had rinsed off a whitish film. When that heated up good, I added just a few tablespoons of bonito (What I bought had 5 premeasured packets). Bonito smells pretty strong. Both the bonito and kombu sat in the water for a couple hours. No salt or anything added. I shredded some cabbage, carrot and jalapeno and salted it. It's hours later and I checked that -- not much maceration yet. I'll leave it in the fridge and see what tomorrow brings. I sauted some mushroom -- plain button mushrooms -- and onion. I decided to leave out the pickled veggies, and make a soup with the saute, some shaved celery, some ginger, a tablespoon or so of miso -- all together in a bowl into which I ladled some dashi. I LOVED IT. I let the dashi seep some more then removed the kombu and drained through a coffee filter. I'll put that in the fridge and make soup with the veggies and some noodles tomorrow. Probably simmer together after draining whatever liquid forms -- maybe rinsing the salt. Then pour over some miso. I bet I'll love that too. I hate restaurant miso, so this is a wonderful surprise. Next time I make the dashi, I see I've not quite done it right. I'll remove the kombu before adding the bonito. As for the kombo I removed, I cut strips from it, added some vinegar, and put it in the fridge. I'll likely put it in the last of the chicken soup. I thought it might be a good smoothie addition too -- speaking of which, I've yet to get to that. I did buy celery hearts and beets, intended smoothie ingredients. Papaya, too.
Anyhow -- from the doc, I got cough syrup (codeine) and antibiotics. Again no culture or CBC. I keep bringing up sinus and chest congestion, rather chronic. I keep getting handed antibiotics. They've worked. Do I get sick more often than I should? I've often wondered --- even imagined AIDS, but my time as a blood donor has put to rest those suspicions. Of course there's CFIDS. I'm not even sure that's really a thing. It's not a thing that brings much in the way of relief. Just recrimination. Like most of what ails me.
After the doc, got myself to Whole Foods and the oriental grocery. Got my ferments -- kimchi and sauerkraut, both live culture. Also got miso for the first time. Serious miso, made with barley and aged two years. I specifically sought barley (muji) based on macrobiotic diet book. Got a few other things... papaya for one. Gonna have another go at it. I picked the ugliest yellowest one this time and not the shiny green that confounded me last time. I finally did make good use of all that one. At the oriental grocery I got some tamari soy sauce, again a macrobiotic thing. I got bonito and what I assume to be kombu, just labeled seaweed. And some buckwheat noodles.
Anyhow, I filled a small crock pot with about a quart of water and a couple four inch squares of the seaweed that I had rinsed off a whitish film. When that heated up good, I added just a few tablespoons of bonito (What I bought had 5 premeasured packets). Bonito smells pretty strong. Both the bonito and kombu sat in the water for a couple hours. No salt or anything added. I shredded some cabbage, carrot and jalapeno and salted it. It's hours later and I checked that -- not much maceration yet. I'll leave it in the fridge and see what tomorrow brings. I sauted some mushroom -- plain button mushrooms -- and onion. I decided to leave out the pickled veggies, and make a soup with the saute, some shaved celery, some ginger, a tablespoon or so of miso -- all together in a bowl into which I ladled some dashi. I LOVED IT. I let the dashi seep some more then removed the kombu and drained through a coffee filter. I'll put that in the fridge and make soup with the veggies and some noodles tomorrow. Probably simmer together after draining whatever liquid forms -- maybe rinsing the salt. Then pour over some miso. I bet I'll love that too. I hate restaurant miso, so this is a wonderful surprise. Next time I make the dashi, I see I've not quite done it right. I'll remove the kombu before adding the bonito. As for the kombo I removed, I cut strips from it, added some vinegar, and put it in the fridge. I'll likely put it in the last of the chicken soup. I thought it might be a good smoothie addition too -- speaking of which, I've yet to get to that. I did buy celery hearts and beets, intended smoothie ingredients. Papaya, too.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Reboot
I had something of a crisis in confidence when I realized snacking more wasn't helping me eat less. I've been drifiting aimlessly, going according to the same old rules, with a few new kickers. No sweetened beverages (that includes flavored kefir -- I only drink unflavored). Purchase only 100% whole grain pasta/bread/groat. I eat my share of processed grain foods. Trying to lower that share. Eat fatty fish a couple times a week, chum salmon, sardines, mackerel. Eat mirepoix plus cruciferous at least once a day. Eat legumes at least once a day. Limit meat intake (I'm not so good at doing this, especially when cooking for my meat & sides wife). Just general basic good food sense. The kickers -- more ginger, for one thing. I eat more mushrooms in the past year than in my entire prior life. Things I've picked up from Dr. Weil and anti-inflammatory diet advice. I've started buying produce dept juices (e.g. Odwalla brand) and taking an occasional sip. I'm more a sipper than a chugger of these and kefir. price is a part of it. Gratification I guess is another. Plain juices and dairy milk I tend to chug. Almond milk, somewhere in between. Unsweetened tea, I chug sans remorse.
OA recovery has taken a turn. At the same time I was neglecting this blog, I was neglecting other writing. My sponsor gave me a pen and pad, saying "Now you have no excuses." I stared at a blank pad for 3 days and couldn't make my morning call. After 3 days, I still stopped calling, but stopped trying to plan diets, write gratitudes, and other such exercises. I'm writing some lately -- not food or recovery related for the most part. Finally I felt motivated to write again here. I may or may not brag on my shopping/cooking/eating (or confess). I still believe that recovery for me is not about food. But I enjoy thinking about healthy eating, and doing what I can to bring it into my life. A confession -- I've started doing Indian buffet about once a week. No more CiCi's. I've not been to Chinese but haven't ruled it out. I'm OK with the one available American buffet, Wood Grill, but not with Country Cookin'.
At home -- I've just come off a hard cold. In fact, I still have chest congestion. I did no shopping for over a week. Lots of brewed tea -- two pots a day, chai/green/earl gray, then at night chamomile I finished off my probiotics early -- Sauerkraut salad (not sure if that had live culture), kimchi, kefir, At some point all I had was pills. Cleaned out all the veggies. Thawed out some smoothies in the freezer and melon cubes. Found that in my illness I was craving Miso soup, which I hate. In refilling the fridge, just got mirepoix veggies (made chicken soup), lots of cabbage (ate some earlier today with ginger and juniper, cooked in corned beef lard and dressed with malt vinegar). But that was just Kroger. I need to get to other stores, especially Whole Foods and oriental grocery. But what I need is a path to follow.... a manner of eating which is not onerous -- which I'm not suffering through counting the days until I no longer have to. A sustainable program of eating. And I think this can only happen if I eat when I'm hungry and don't eat when I'm not -- and most of all -- FEED HUNGER, not JONESIN'.
I've been thinking about an Intermittent Fasting schedule of eating, and how to break my fasts. A fast needs to be broken with antioxidants and protein. With greek yogurt and berries. With salmon and greens. With salsa/beans/guacamole. With mirepoix and mushroom omelet. With mirepoix and cauliflower and lentils. Plenty of options. I ought put nuts in the picture. Nothing listed above needs me to wear my dentures. Nuts would. Not nut butter.
What I was doing when I said -- Heck, why not reboot the blog -- was looking up juice options. My standard smoothie additions -- jicama, cucumber, celery, radish, bell pepper. I really need to try V8 some time. I still hate raw tomato, but have come to used it, and don't mind it in salsa and pico and such. I need to give it chance (slap head). But there is no juice out there that doesn't sugar one up as bad a soft drinks. Flavored kefir is just as bad. V8 fusion is just as bad. Silk Fruit and protein is just as bad. Beverage choices generally suck. Of course, they add something along with the sugar -- all but the soda drinks. But whole solid foods is the way I'd prefer to get all that. Hydration -- water is fine. I'm not a big water drinker. The bottled stuff, only when I need portable like on a hike. I keep some at work where I really need to set up to brew tea. I've been there almost two years not and still unpacking. Anyhow.... perhaps I'll take this up again soon. Writing hasn't gotten me any closer to a plan. But maybe it will point me to something. Right now, I'm pondering homemade juice -- celery ginger and such, and see if it keeps for sipping like the too-sweet Odwalla stuff. That's a plan.
OA recovery has taken a turn. At the same time I was neglecting this blog, I was neglecting other writing. My sponsor gave me a pen and pad, saying "Now you have no excuses." I stared at a blank pad for 3 days and couldn't make my morning call. After 3 days, I still stopped calling, but stopped trying to plan diets, write gratitudes, and other such exercises. I'm writing some lately -- not food or recovery related for the most part. Finally I felt motivated to write again here. I may or may not brag on my shopping/cooking/eating (or confess). I still believe that recovery for me is not about food. But I enjoy thinking about healthy eating, and doing what I can to bring it into my life. A confession -- I've started doing Indian buffet about once a week. No more CiCi's. I've not been to Chinese but haven't ruled it out. I'm OK with the one available American buffet, Wood Grill, but not with Country Cookin'.
At home -- I've just come off a hard cold. In fact, I still have chest congestion. I did no shopping for over a week. Lots of brewed tea -- two pots a day, chai/green/earl gray, then at night chamomile I finished off my probiotics early -- Sauerkraut salad (not sure if that had live culture), kimchi, kefir, At some point all I had was pills. Cleaned out all the veggies. Thawed out some smoothies in the freezer and melon cubes. Found that in my illness I was craving Miso soup, which I hate. In refilling the fridge, just got mirepoix veggies (made chicken soup), lots of cabbage (ate some earlier today with ginger and juniper, cooked in corned beef lard and dressed with malt vinegar). But that was just Kroger. I need to get to other stores, especially Whole Foods and oriental grocery. But what I need is a path to follow.... a manner of eating which is not onerous -- which I'm not suffering through counting the days until I no longer have to. A sustainable program of eating. And I think this can only happen if I eat when I'm hungry and don't eat when I'm not -- and most of all -- FEED HUNGER, not JONESIN'.
I've been thinking about an Intermittent Fasting schedule of eating, and how to break my fasts. A fast needs to be broken with antioxidants and protein. With greek yogurt and berries. With salmon and greens. With salsa/beans/guacamole. With mirepoix and mushroom omelet. With mirepoix and cauliflower and lentils. Plenty of options. I ought put nuts in the picture. Nothing listed above needs me to wear my dentures. Nuts would. Not nut butter.
What I was doing when I said -- Heck, why not reboot the blog -- was looking up juice options. My standard smoothie additions -- jicama, cucumber, celery, radish, bell pepper. I really need to try V8 some time. I still hate raw tomato, but have come to used it, and don't mind it in salsa and pico and such. I need to give it chance (slap head). But there is no juice out there that doesn't sugar one up as bad a soft drinks. Flavored kefir is just as bad. V8 fusion is just as bad. Silk Fruit and protein is just as bad. Beverage choices generally suck. Of course, they add something along with the sugar -- all but the soda drinks. But whole solid foods is the way I'd prefer to get all that. Hydration -- water is fine. I'm not a big water drinker. The bottled stuff, only when I need portable like on a hike. I keep some at work where I really need to set up to brew tea. I've been there almost two years not and still unpacking. Anyhow.... perhaps I'll take this up again soon. Writing hasn't gotten me any closer to a plan. But maybe it will point me to something. Right now, I'm pondering homemade juice -- celery ginger and such, and see if it keeps for sipping like the too-sweet Odwalla stuff. That's a plan.
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