Not a daily thing any more.... not even weekly. I'm just back from my little bike trip to the post office. Huffing and puffing. Again, a week off puts one a month behind in conditioning. But low tire pressure had something to do with it, too. I'll have to fill before the next time.
I get these thoughts when I travel, in the car, on the bike --- and generally when I can't afford total distraction or absorption. Like laying in bed dreading the day ahead. Less dread into the day, usually, than at the start. But I sit to write and can't recall these ruminations. Most my obsessing today has to do with Sunday School. I talk too much. I talk too impulsively self-promoting. I'm not such a good listener. Same in OA meetings. Same in a classroom. Same in one-on-one with anyone. I don't serve my self well in general by my ways, nor am I served by not being myself. It sucks to be me. There's a step for that -- the 7th, I think. Let God make me a better man. I don't hold much hope of becoming anything other than who I already am. I'm not sure who I wish I could be. My confession (as opposed to my belief) is that I can discover in myself who I wish to be, not in being a replica of another. I already am what God wishes me to be, made me to be. But sick and corrupt and obscured. It's there. I've just lost sight, or never had sight. What I believe is that the essence of me is in the corruption, not some Logos or Atman or Psyche. I have as much trouble believing in such as I do believing in God, though I confess God. One thing I remember thinking was that I wish Christianity were true, at least the kind of Christianity I confess and try to make known. Not the kind that scares me and others away as incurious, belligerent and manipulative. How nice it would be if the Christianity I wish were true, was indeed true. How might one become confident in that hope, or at long last abandon it (abandon all hope?).
Anyhow -- some of what I was thinking had to do with metaphor of snacking -- of the tendency to take gratification to gluttony -- all or nothing at all. I don't know how to be small -- only absent or -- can't find a word -- over-engaged, or disengaged. And then burned out and moving on elsewhere.
Meals -- breakfast was MTR Ramja Masala on half a spaghetti squash. I also has a brownie and some potato chips. The whole snack thing is still an obstacle. I don't like the idea of bringing food to work, even when the idea occurs to me, which it usually doesn't. I did take a small step to snacking -- had to spend my eBay bucks, and ended up spending them on some thermos bottles. I buy lots of things to help me do things I don't care to do. I end up with lots of things I never use.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Friday, October 19, 2012
That 'ain't enuf' feeling
This has been a noodle day, kinda. Sorghum noodles in turnip stir fry for breakfast -- brunch, really -- I ate at 11. This was pretty good. I used some tinned mackerel belly. 4 small turnips julienned, along with about a half cup more mixed veggies (peppers, carrots, fennel, ginger). I cooked in sausage grease and added some sesame oil. It was enough to fill a big bowl -- kind of a serving piece, as big around as a plate and about an inch deep. I wanted more than that. I ended up eating the sausage on an english muffin.
I worked a few hours and came home to make dinner for Donna. I had some manager special chicken sausage links -- hot Italian I think. I don't much care to cook sausages. It would be cool to have a roller thing like 7/11. For myself, I tend to microwave upright in a coffee cup. These I kind of braised with some chopped onion and pepper. I had 3 links. One I diced into the veggies and added some acorn squash, garlic, ginger, and fennel to stew a while. Some butter in there too. The way it cooked down, I ended up adding a can of sweet peas, a quarter cup or so of Alfredo sauce, and some whole wheat spaghetti. This was all eaten after a cheese omelet (Lately I'd been using 2 eggs. Tonight more like 4 -- 6 really, with 2 for Donna) and a sausage link. I had about half, and wanted the other half. I decided to put it away for tomorrow instead. Went to work a few more hours and came home for some ice cream. It's never enough ice cream.
Wednesday was OA. I keep getting stuck on God. It's occurring to me more and more that its not really about God -- it's about neediness -- psychic hunger/thirst/jonesin'. And one's attitude toward God can influence the needy vibes we put out and the needy ache we seek to soothe. Most my God thought amplifies my neediness. I still vividly recall in the middle of a religious meeting pleading with God out loud -- quite loud -- to make the pain go away. The kind of pain that gets people telling me -- it sucks to be you, eh? -- a kind of ironic plea for me to stuff it with the whining. Anyhow, afterward I skipped the Mongolian buffet, having had breakfast before. I almost feel obligated to go there whenever I'm downtown. It's a chance to eat interesting stuff. Just too much of it. I remember telling my doctor who asked what I'd eaten that morning (to see if blood draw would be valid) -- and I said 5 stacks of keep-em-coming pancakes at IHOP. He smirked and said "You win" -- more irony. But I do feel obliged to get more than my money's worth in most everything I do, especially eating. Perhaps I can address that. I've been trying to tell myself, with food at least, that I need to be willing (willing is magic word in 12-step) to let enough be enough. It's all about neediness. I'm not sure I've ever not been -- the more so when I try to suppress it. People sense it. People are repulsed. And in almost 60 years, I've not found a way to not appear needy, much less feel and be needy. I'm not sure the 12 steps are the way out of this. I know 12-step meetings are bringing me toward where I'm most inept. And I'm feeling that, but still forging on. The pain of isolation is worse than the pain of alienation. Not really. Alienation is worse, but alienation has hope. Isolation is hopelessness.
I worked a few hours and came home to make dinner for Donna. I had some manager special chicken sausage links -- hot Italian I think. I don't much care to cook sausages. It would be cool to have a roller thing like 7/11. For myself, I tend to microwave upright in a coffee cup. These I kind of braised with some chopped onion and pepper. I had 3 links. One I diced into the veggies and added some acorn squash, garlic, ginger, and fennel to stew a while. Some butter in there too. The way it cooked down, I ended up adding a can of sweet peas, a quarter cup or so of Alfredo sauce, and some whole wheat spaghetti. This was all eaten after a cheese omelet (Lately I'd been using 2 eggs. Tonight more like 4 -- 6 really, with 2 for Donna) and a sausage link. I had about half, and wanted the other half. I decided to put it away for tomorrow instead. Went to work a few more hours and came home for some ice cream. It's never enough ice cream.
Wednesday was OA. I keep getting stuck on God. It's occurring to me more and more that its not really about God -- it's about neediness -- psychic hunger/thirst/jonesin'. And one's attitude toward God can influence the needy vibes we put out and the needy ache we seek to soothe. Most my God thought amplifies my neediness. I still vividly recall in the middle of a religious meeting pleading with God out loud -- quite loud -- to make the pain go away. The kind of pain that gets people telling me -- it sucks to be you, eh? -- a kind of ironic plea for me to stuff it with the whining. Anyhow, afterward I skipped the Mongolian buffet, having had breakfast before. I almost feel obligated to go there whenever I'm downtown. It's a chance to eat interesting stuff. Just too much of it. I remember telling my doctor who asked what I'd eaten that morning (to see if blood draw would be valid) -- and I said 5 stacks of keep-em-coming pancakes at IHOP. He smirked and said "You win" -- more irony. But I do feel obliged to get more than my money's worth in most everything I do, especially eating. Perhaps I can address that. I've been trying to tell myself, with food at least, that I need to be willing (willing is magic word in 12-step) to let enough be enough. It's all about neediness. I'm not sure I've ever not been -- the more so when I try to suppress it. People sense it. People are repulsed. And in almost 60 years, I've not found a way to not appear needy, much less feel and be needy. I'm not sure the 12 steps are the way out of this. I know 12-step meetings are bringing me toward where I'm most inept. And I'm feeling that, but still forging on. The pain of isolation is worse than the pain of alienation. Not really. Alienation is worse, but alienation has hope. Isolation is hopelessness.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Writing again after 2 week hiatus
I've been back from my trip for a while, but just now getting back to writing this blog, after doing it daily for a week. What really broke the trend was sour feelings Tuesday and Wednesday before the trip -- a disappointing absence from the Weds OA meeting and a particularly nasty tirade from my wife, who repeatedly invites me to leave her. The emotions associated with such things do bring me to take refuge in shopping, cooking, and eating food -- my triune addiction.
The trip was pleasant, but yet another reminder that I've fallen so far since 1991, and haven't found my way back. Just like the reminder from the fellow at church. I've made something of a pledge to myself to go regular to that church and its social/discipleship offerings. My sister and her husband have a huge house and a pretty well-ordered life and a decent friendship between them. I enjoyed their company. Food on the trip was not a big problem. I did drink lots of beer. I did feel somewhat veggie-less, but some chinese food (which made me at least 4 meals from leftovers) and a salad at a dinner with my cousins provided plenty. I did a day on a rented bike and a day on foot. Otherwise not terribly active.
Sunday I did an OA meeting. I've not really gone walking after since my walking partner stopped coming. I haven't done any real walking/biking since getting home. Today did a few laps around GF9 and Crutchfield buildings. Tomorrow would be a good bike day. An enterprising person would set up the car carrier for my bike and take it with me to meeting for a ride in or around C-ville. I do plan to go to meeting.
Food today -- Cabbage this morning, with this and that. I had some sandwiches at intervals during the day -- cheese and seafood salad. Donna cooked pork chops, sweet potato fries, and steamed cauliflower and carrots with some salad dressing. I enjoyed that. Last night I made something kinda like borscht. I had 4 small beets that I roasted, peeled, and julienned which went into what started as onion soup -- with a leftover steak, two onions sliced fine, some celery/carrots/fennel/mushrooms/cabbage, and I guess that's about it. Finished it off with a couple tbsp of cream cheese -- add a bit of richness to the broth. I have a bowl I could heat up right now. I started writing to keep me from staring in the refrigerator. That or some table grapes for a nightcap. Perhaps, though, it's late for a nightcap. I should try to fast after 9 PM. The soup would be a good breakfast.
The trip was pleasant, but yet another reminder that I've fallen so far since 1991, and haven't found my way back. Just like the reminder from the fellow at church. I've made something of a pledge to myself to go regular to that church and its social/discipleship offerings. My sister and her husband have a huge house and a pretty well-ordered life and a decent friendship between them. I enjoyed their company. Food on the trip was not a big problem. I did drink lots of beer. I did feel somewhat veggie-less, but some chinese food (which made me at least 4 meals from leftovers) and a salad at a dinner with my cousins provided plenty. I did a day on a rented bike and a day on foot. Otherwise not terribly active.
Sunday I did an OA meeting. I've not really gone walking after since my walking partner stopped coming. I haven't done any real walking/biking since getting home. Today did a few laps around GF9 and Crutchfield buildings. Tomorrow would be a good bike day. An enterprising person would set up the car carrier for my bike and take it with me to meeting for a ride in or around C-ville. I do plan to go to meeting.
Food today -- Cabbage this morning, with this and that. I had some sandwiches at intervals during the day -- cheese and seafood salad. Donna cooked pork chops, sweet potato fries, and steamed cauliflower and carrots with some salad dressing. I enjoyed that. Last night I made something kinda like borscht. I had 4 small beets that I roasted, peeled, and julienned which went into what started as onion soup -- with a leftover steak, two onions sliced fine, some celery/carrots/fennel/mushrooms/cabbage, and I guess that's about it. Finished it off with a couple tbsp of cream cheese -- add a bit of richness to the broth. I have a bowl I could heat up right now. I started writing to keep me from staring in the refrigerator. That or some table grapes for a nightcap. Perhaps, though, it's late for a nightcap. I should try to fast after 9 PM. The soup would be a good breakfast.
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