This has been a noodle day, kinda. Sorghum noodles in turnip stir fry for breakfast -- brunch, really -- I ate at 11. This was pretty good. I used some tinned mackerel belly. 4 small turnips julienned, along with about a half cup more mixed veggies (peppers, carrots, fennel, ginger). I cooked in sausage grease and added some sesame oil. It was enough to fill a big bowl -- kind of a serving piece, as big around as a plate and about an inch deep. I wanted more than that. I ended up eating the sausage on an english muffin.
I worked a few hours and came home to make dinner for Donna. I had some manager special chicken sausage links -- hot Italian I think. I don't much care to cook sausages. It would be cool to have a roller thing like 7/11. For myself, I tend to microwave upright in a coffee cup. These I kind of braised with some chopped onion and pepper. I had 3 links. One I diced into the veggies and added some acorn squash, garlic, ginger, and fennel to stew a while. Some butter in there too. The way it cooked down, I ended up adding a can of sweet peas, a quarter cup or so of Alfredo sauce, and some whole wheat spaghetti. This was all eaten after a cheese omelet (Lately I'd been using 2 eggs. Tonight more like 4 -- 6 really, with 2 for Donna) and a sausage link. I had about half, and wanted the other half. I decided to put it away for tomorrow instead. Went to work a few more hours and came home for some ice cream. It's never enough ice cream.
Wednesday was OA. I keep getting stuck on God. It's occurring to me more and more that its not really about God -- it's about neediness -- psychic hunger/thirst/jonesin'. And one's attitude toward God can influence the needy vibes we put out and the needy ache we seek to soothe. Most my God thought amplifies my neediness. I still vividly recall in the middle of a religious meeting pleading with God out loud -- quite loud -- to make the pain go away. The kind of pain that gets people telling me -- it sucks to be you, eh? -- a kind of ironic plea for me to stuff it with the whining. Anyhow, afterward I skipped the Mongolian buffet, having had breakfast before. I almost feel obligated to go there whenever I'm downtown. It's a chance to eat interesting stuff. Just too much of it. I remember telling my doctor who asked what I'd eaten that morning (to see if blood draw would be valid) -- and I said 5 stacks of keep-em-coming pancakes at IHOP. He smirked and said "You win" -- more irony. But I do feel obliged to get more than my money's worth in most everything I do, especially eating. Perhaps I can address that. I've been trying to tell myself, with food at least, that I need to be willing (willing is magic word in 12-step) to let enough be enough. It's all about neediness. I'm not sure I've ever not been -- the more so when I try to suppress it. People sense it. People are repulsed. And in almost 60 years, I've not found a way to not appear needy, much less feel and be needy. I'm not sure the 12 steps are the way out of this. I know 12-step meetings are bringing me toward where I'm most inept. And I'm feeling that, but still forging on. The pain of isolation is worse than the pain of alienation. Not really. Alienation is worse, but alienation has hope. Isolation is hopelessness.
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