Catching my breath.

Not a daily thing any more.... not even weekly.  I'm just back from my little bike trip to the post office.  Huffing and puffing.  Again, a week off puts one a month behind in conditioning.  But low tire pressure had something to do with it, too.  I'll have to fill before the next time.

I get these thoughts when I travel, in the car, on the bike --- and generally when I can't afford total distraction or absorption.  Like laying in bed dreading the day ahead.  Less dread into the day, usually, than at the start.  But I sit to write and can't recall these ruminations.  Most my obsessing today has to do with Sunday School.  I talk too much.  I talk too impulsively self-promoting.  I'm not such a good listener.  Same in OA meetings.  Same in a classroom. Same in one-on-one with anyone.  I don't serve my self well in general by my ways, nor am I served by not being myself.  It sucks to be me.  There's a step for that -- the 7th, I think.  Let God make me a better man.  I don't hold much hope of becoming anything other than who I already am.  I'm not sure who I wish I could be.  My confession (as opposed to my belief) is that I can discover in myself who I wish to be, not in being a replica of another.  I already am what God wishes me to be, made me to be.  But sick and corrupt and obscured.  It's there.  I've just lost sight, or never had sight.  What I believe is that the essence of me is in the corruption, not some Logos or Atman or Psyche.  I have as much trouble believing in such as I do believing in God, though I confess God.  One thing I remember thinking was that I wish Christianity were true, at least the kind of Christianity I confess and try to make known.  Not the kind that scares me and others away as incurious, belligerent and manipulative.  How nice it would be if the Christianity I wish were true, was indeed true.  How might one become confident in that hope, or at long last abandon it (abandon all hope?).

Anyhow -- some of what I was thinking had to do with metaphor of snacking -- of the tendency to take gratification to gluttony -- all or nothing at all.  I don't know how to be small -- only absent or -- can't find a word -- over-engaged, or disengaged.  And then burned out and moving on elsewhere.

Meals -- breakfast was MTR Ramja Masala on half a spaghetti squash.  I also has a brownie and some potato chips.  The whole snack thing is still an obstacle.  I don't like the idea of bringing food to work, even when the idea occurs to me, which it usually doesn't.  I did take a small step to snacking -- had to spend my eBay bucks, and ended up spending them on some thermos bottles.  I buy lots of things to help me do things I don't care to do.  I end up with lots of things I never use.