Sleep was my demon today. Sleep and a stupid online game. I was up at 4 to do some housekeeping with the game, then stuffed the pumpkin and put it in the oven. I had the little bit of remaining surplus on some pita bread. I woke up again about 3 hours later. The pumpkin was very much done. A delightful breakfast. The rind peeled right off the flesh which was tender and moist. The filling -- sausage, rice, and veggies mostly -- was wonderful. I've got half a pumpkin and two peppers left to eat -- or maybe discard before my trip. Maybe freeze. We'll see.
Anyhow -- dental cleaning. All good. A few errands downtown after. Then I went hunting for a snack. I didn't see anything on the Burger King menu that appealed, so I ended up at an Indian Buffet -- one of three (plus a Himalayan downtown) here in C'ville. It was a three plater -- my favorite being the paneer and the cabbage. Also was dal, aloo, and mixed veggies, and a couple chicken dishes. Tandoori legs and breast chunks in some sauce. I sampled both. Decent. Came home, read a little of that ACOA book, and then crashed. Slept maybe 3 hours. Woke to Pizza that Donna had made. Night nibbling limited to some pie so far.
Tomorrow, Donna talks about breakfast at IHOP while car getting state inspection. There's OA at 10, that I don't want to miss. I might end up missing it. I have some books to mail before I vacation the accounts for my trip. Then it's all about getting ready for the road.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Monday, September 24, 2012
Manic Monday
Still writing to nobody in particular, because nobody has found the blog. Today was a med bike ride day. I've 3 loops near home that I've been doing for years -- of and on. Mostly on foot. The one I keep telling myself I ought do twice a week on the bike is what I did today. I think its about 8 miles loop from the Earlysville Forest entrance, plus the two mile round trip to get there. I do the round trip 3x/wk or so -- to get mail to the post office. Anyhow, I goes through EF to Advance Mills, then onto Fray mountain, Buffalo River, Simmons Gap and finally Buck Mountain road. The dismount spots are several -- the last bit of EF road, the middle part of AdvM and part of Simmons Gap. Some of Fray, too, but not today -- I stayed mounted the whole length. The point of 2x/wk is to have a challenging route by which to measure my conditioning -- which I always think of as plateaued or regressed. It's challenging enough, too to maybe improve my conditioning if done persistently. It's about an hour ride. No need to carry snack or hydration.
Food today -- kinda haphazard. Toast and Hummus, blueberry turnover, Potato salad with relish added. I stopped at home on the bike loop and had 8oz of fruity Silk. In the evening, I was making a braise of the last of yesterday's spare ribs and some cabbage with a few veggie additions (broccoli stalk, onion, ginger, daikon, pepper). Tom came by and we went drinking, as we often do on Mondays. 3 beers and some black bean soup with generous amounts of bacon. Back home, I ate the braise. Delicious.
I continue to read the Empty Heart book from Brazelon. I continue to obsess over the Mat Sci dept head from church, and my own failure to thrive in that profession, despite a good deal of promise. I like the church. I like the pastor. I even like to opportunity to deal with some ghosts, though I fear making a pest of myself. I've been out and about alot lately with this commitment to OA and church shopping. The pest fears are rampant. As well as the resignation that I can't be otherwise, and the admonition to myself that I'm not so powerful as to pester people away from what they'd do were I absent. But people are disappearing. Blaming myself, and thinking that's silly to do so, and not knowing the reality of it all.
Food today -- kinda haphazard. Toast and Hummus, blueberry turnover, Potato salad with relish added. I stopped at home on the bike loop and had 8oz of fruity Silk. In the evening, I was making a braise of the last of yesterday's spare ribs and some cabbage with a few veggie additions (broccoli stalk, onion, ginger, daikon, pepper). Tom came by and we went drinking, as we often do on Mondays. 3 beers and some black bean soup with generous amounts of bacon. Back home, I ate the braise. Delicious.
I continue to read the Empty Heart book from Brazelon. I continue to obsess over the Mat Sci dept head from church, and my own failure to thrive in that profession, despite a good deal of promise. I like the church. I like the pastor. I even like to opportunity to deal with some ghosts, though I fear making a pest of myself. I've been out and about alot lately with this commitment to OA and church shopping. The pest fears are rampant. As well as the resignation that I can't be otherwise, and the admonition to myself that I'm not so powerful as to pester people away from what they'd do were I absent. But people are disappearing. Blaming myself, and thinking that's silly to do so, and not knowing the reality of it all.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
coincidence
Today was church and OA. I don't go to any particular church -- just looking for where I fit. That's not very easy. Today was Buck Mountain Episcopal. The scripture was James, chapter 3, the last paragraph. It was pertinent to the OA discussions as we finished Step 12 from the 12&12 and move on next week to the AA Big Book. There I met a man who is dept head of Mat Sci at UVa. He taught at CMU for several years, but after I graduated. Plenty of troubled thinking in the wake of that meeting, over my failure to thrive in Metallurgy, and the 20 years hence feeling alienated and not economically viable. That was part of the OA discussion too -- two separate lines of thought with different origins and different (though proximate) occasions but common theme. I've still not learned how to be a grown up, and it's too late now. I've already grown old.
I'm not sure what to make of coincidence. The temptation is to attribute it to Providence. Or as I rationalize, it's just an arbitrary event, like those that made me fight the attribution of Providence in leading me to rent from Danny. Yet more challenging thoughts. It's been a day for such.
Breakfast was a 2-egg fritatta with the remainder of some blanched pepper rings I bought at farmers market. about 1/2 loaf of stale artisan wheat bread, some broccoli florets and shrooms and a left over bacon-wrapped filet. A heavy breakfast. Quite tasty. Mid day was nibble, mostly junk food. All day, spare ribs had been in the smoker. I ate hearty -- another heavy meal. Also store-bought tater salad -- 2 lbs for $3 special. Junk since -- sparingly. Some expired blueberry turnovers -- 2 eaten, 2 in reserve.
I've leftovers in the fridge for tomorrow morning. The two peppers from yesterday. As usual, I'll fret over portable snacks. I got some Silk fruit and protein drink. If I can find a container, I thought such might hit the spot mid-day. I've not examined the specifics, but it seems to me a good alternative to the kind of stuff the nutritionist was pushing.
I'm not sure what to make of coincidence. The temptation is to attribute it to Providence. Or as I rationalize, it's just an arbitrary event, like those that made me fight the attribution of Providence in leading me to rent from Danny. Yet more challenging thoughts. It's been a day for such.
Breakfast was a 2-egg fritatta with the remainder of some blanched pepper rings I bought at farmers market. about 1/2 loaf of stale artisan wheat bread, some broccoli florets and shrooms and a left over bacon-wrapped filet. A heavy breakfast. Quite tasty. Mid day was nibble, mostly junk food. All day, spare ribs had been in the smoker. I ate hearty -- another heavy meal. Also store-bought tater salad -- 2 lbs for $3 special. Junk since -- sparingly. Some expired blueberry turnovers -- 2 eaten, 2 in reserve.
I've leftovers in the fridge for tomorrow morning. The two peppers from yesterday. As usual, I'll fret over portable snacks. I got some Silk fruit and protein drink. If I can find a container, I thought such might hit the spot mid-day. I've not examined the specifics, but it seems to me a good alternative to the kind of stuff the nutritionist was pushing.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Bike ride
I hadn't been on a long ride since Labor Day. Today was a good day for a ride -- temperate and no pressing business. My GPS watch was uncharged, so I just rode without it. Doing a route map, I see I rode about 20 miles. Didn't keep track of the time. I know I was spent toward the end. Took my smoothie along. It really hit the spot toward the end of the ride, still partially frozen. I ate the last lump like a popsicle. Besides that, I had 3 500ml bottles of water, an Arizona diet Arnold Palmer, some water at a rec center, and a 12-oz coffee early on, and one of those Kelloggs newtony things. Before the ride, 3 bologna and provolone sandwiches on bagel thins with some farmers market pesto. Also a single serving yogurt.
Made 6 stuffed peppers. Ate 3. Donna ate 1. I put two in the fridge for a quick breakfast. Still have a bowl of filler. My idea was to cook it inside a pie pumpkin. I just might.
I leave for a trip in a few days -- Thursday morning train to Boston to visit my sister and see my favorite band in concert. I'll visit a few site of family-history interest. Find some nice walks. I'm not sure when or how, but I'd like to visit near Wickford RI on a rental bike.
I've not done much today recovery-related. Sponsor-seeking will be deferred until back from my trip. Tomorrow, I'll go to church again, probably. Like many people, I'm not so sure God's found in a church. Alienation more like it. But I'm not sure where else to look. Which reminds me -- Stephen Mitchell apparently has done translation of both the Gita and the Tao Te Ching. I need to seek them out -- other Mitchell too. I trust him. He elucidates.
Snacking tonight.... I really need to clear out the fridge in the next 3 days. Mostly stuff that spoils. I'll let that be my guide. I've got some surplus spinach ricotta filling from last week that needs attention. Baked pasta -- yah, kinda dinnerish, but better that than pastry pig out.
Made 6 stuffed peppers. Ate 3. Donna ate 1. I put two in the fridge for a quick breakfast. Still have a bowl of filler. My idea was to cook it inside a pie pumpkin. I just might.
I leave for a trip in a few days -- Thursday morning train to Boston to visit my sister and see my favorite band in concert. I'll visit a few site of family-history interest. Find some nice walks. I'm not sure when or how, but I'd like to visit near Wickford RI on a rental bike.
I've not done much today recovery-related. Sponsor-seeking will be deferred until back from my trip. Tomorrow, I'll go to church again, probably. Like many people, I'm not so sure God's found in a church. Alienation more like it. But I'm not sure where else to look. Which reminds me -- Stephen Mitchell apparently has done translation of both the Gita and the Tao Te Ching. I need to seek them out -- other Mitchell too. I trust him. He elucidates.
Snacking tonight.... I really need to clear out the fridge in the next 3 days. Mostly stuff that spoils. I'll let that be my guide. I've got some surplus spinach ricotta filling from last week that needs attention. Baked pasta -- yah, kinda dinnerish, but better that than pastry pig out.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Another day older (16 stone and what do you get)
25 stone actually --- well, closer to 26.
I remember eating breakfast this morning. It was a followthrough on my thoughts last night. A bag of cauliflower florets bought at expiration (manager discount) about a week ago (steamed), begging to be used. A couple small (3 inch by 1 inch) farmers market sweet potatoes, peeled and steamed, and a supermarket butternut -- about 2" cut from the neck, steamed. Hand mixer blend of the three with about 2 tbsp of cream cheese and 1 tbsp of almond butter. I forget how I seasoned -- pretty much winged it. It was bland, but tasty. The nut butter was an afterthought. I probably could have used that exclusively. Something was needed. What I used worked out pretty nicely for consistency, mouth feel and flavor.
I forgot to take the smoothie again. I walked -- about a mile round trip, not sure exactly -- to the closest restaurant, BBQ joint run by a master chef, for a pint of collards. Pretty salty, with a good amount of bacon. I got some sauce to mix in it. Yum.
Dinner was soup. Some flaked salmon I had smoked on Weds. Some fish stock I made last week. Ginger and daikon shavings. Some grocery-store broth. Cabbage. Mushrooms (oyster, crimini and some other kind in a mix), Sorghum noodles. Seasoned with dill and fennel, pepper, sea salt. Kinda bland. Not real fishy. Best when I got a ginger sliver on the spoon. Also put a prickly pear innards into the soup. I had expected to have something firm inside to be shaved, but it was kinda pulpy and seedy like pomegranite. Not sure how it influenced the flavor, but I've been at a loss how to use the thing. This is my first experience with it.
I also prepared stuffed peppers for tomorrow. Used the corn in the stuffing, with some miropoix and cabbage, brown rice, diced beef and breakfast sausage. The peppers I stuffed were starting to go bad. I need to make what I envision while shopping within 2 days. Sometimes I don't until a week later. Not too often I let my veggies turn to slime. I catch and cut off the first bit of slime and finally use what I ought have used a week ago.
Speaking of which -- as an appetizer, I had about 1/3 jar of locally made kraut that had been sitting in the back of the fridge for a couple months. -- I've got a jar of brand-name live-culture kraut that's fresher, so -- I just wolfed down the old jar. Having put in my denture (full upper plate -- I have about 10 teeth left on the bottom) for the kraut, I finished of some veggie chips my wife brought home from Big Lots.
On the recovery front, my erstwhile sponsor decided wisely that it was premature for him to be a sponsor. I'm still looking. I've a plan to seek one out in Richmond, at a newcomers OA meeting. The writing tool is going well for now. I'm writing to nobody in particular -- maybe God -- open letter to the Higher Power. tee hee. As blogs go, this might flicker out sooner or later, but for now, I'm compelled to keep this going.
Ah... snacks. Last night I was content with the grapes and sweet corn. Tonight, I've not planned. That pie and ice cream I've been avoiding -- this may be the right night to indulge. My problem with OA is whether such laspes as the 8 hour fast between breakfast and dinner is a violation of abstinence, or if a 6 oz portion of ice cream is a violation. My usual portion of ice cream is more like 20 oz. I'd consider that a violation. Can I stop at 6? Just for today.
I remember eating breakfast this morning. It was a followthrough on my thoughts last night. A bag of cauliflower florets bought at expiration (manager discount) about a week ago (steamed), begging to be used. A couple small (3 inch by 1 inch) farmers market sweet potatoes, peeled and steamed, and a supermarket butternut -- about 2" cut from the neck, steamed. Hand mixer blend of the three with about 2 tbsp of cream cheese and 1 tbsp of almond butter. I forget how I seasoned -- pretty much winged it. It was bland, but tasty. The nut butter was an afterthought. I probably could have used that exclusively. Something was needed. What I used worked out pretty nicely for consistency, mouth feel and flavor.
I forgot to take the smoothie again. I walked -- about a mile round trip, not sure exactly -- to the closest restaurant, BBQ joint run by a master chef, for a pint of collards. Pretty salty, with a good amount of bacon. I got some sauce to mix in it. Yum.
Dinner was soup. Some flaked salmon I had smoked on Weds. Some fish stock I made last week. Ginger and daikon shavings. Some grocery-store broth. Cabbage. Mushrooms (oyster, crimini and some other kind in a mix), Sorghum noodles. Seasoned with dill and fennel, pepper, sea salt. Kinda bland. Not real fishy. Best when I got a ginger sliver on the spoon. Also put a prickly pear innards into the soup. I had expected to have something firm inside to be shaved, but it was kinda pulpy and seedy like pomegranite. Not sure how it influenced the flavor, but I've been at a loss how to use the thing. This is my first experience with it.
I also prepared stuffed peppers for tomorrow. Used the corn in the stuffing, with some miropoix and cabbage, brown rice, diced beef and breakfast sausage. The peppers I stuffed were starting to go bad. I need to make what I envision while shopping within 2 days. Sometimes I don't until a week later. Not too often I let my veggies turn to slime. I catch and cut off the first bit of slime and finally use what I ought have used a week ago.
Speaking of which -- as an appetizer, I had about 1/3 jar of locally made kraut that had been sitting in the back of the fridge for a couple months. -- I've got a jar of brand-name live-culture kraut that's fresher, so -- I just wolfed down the old jar. Having put in my denture (full upper plate -- I have about 10 teeth left on the bottom) for the kraut, I finished of some veggie chips my wife brought home from Big Lots.
On the recovery front, my erstwhile sponsor decided wisely that it was premature for him to be a sponsor. I'm still looking. I've a plan to seek one out in Richmond, at a newcomers OA meeting. The writing tool is going well for now. I'm writing to nobody in particular -- maybe God -- open letter to the Higher Power. tee hee. As blogs go, this might flicker out sooner or later, but for now, I'm compelled to keep this going.
Ah... snacks. Last night I was content with the grapes and sweet corn. Tonight, I've not planned. That pie and ice cream I've been avoiding -- this may be the right night to indulge. My problem with OA is whether such laspes as the 8 hour fast between breakfast and dinner is a violation of abstinence, or if a 6 oz portion of ice cream is a violation. My usual portion of ice cream is more like 20 oz. I'd consider that a violation. Can I stop at 6? Just for today.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Groan
I don't recall eating breakfast this morning. I might have had something. I've been wracking my brain trying to remember what, if anything. This morning, I was preparing the smoker. There was some beef and some salmon that would spoil if left any longer in the fridge. I also had some peppers to smoke. All the prep, including cleanup from the last time, took all morning. I did brew some coffee, and do a little reading outdoors. I was reading the beginning of a book from Hazelden on ACOAs with compulsive overeating. It's looking kinda clinical, objectifying the sufferer and her family of origin. Not my experience, really. My folks were competent and caring, though my Mom had some Mommie Dearest tantrums from time to time. I was a troubled kid, though. I'm still not sure what the trouble war, or at least might be called... but the trouble sticks with me. I call it Aspergers, but it's different. I've called it different things. Most people call me Schizo, but that's not it either.
Anyhow... breakfast. I intentionally eat breakfast. Certainly not habitually, because as long as I've been making sure I eat breakfast, when I'm not making sure, I don't. I eat not out of hunger, but of obligation -- a concession to medical advice that eating breakfast is a good thing to do. For all I know, when I pulled the beef out of the smoker and ate it on some tortillas, that was the first I ate today.
I remember thinking this morning that I needed to take my smoothie to work. It's been in the freezer for over a week since I made it. Each day I leave for work, I forget to take it. I forgot again today, even though I had thought about it beforehand. This is the way it is for me, the way it's always been, and the way I expect it will always be. I'm supposed to carry one or two snacks with me to work, and can't imagine many appealing options, and even among such options, I'm sure to leave them behind more times than not.
I do know one thing for sure -- nothing I do in the day -- breakfast, snacking, huge meals or no-seconds, this dinner or that, dessert or not, I'm compelled to be a night nibbler. The answer to night nibbling is probably not to be found in the daytime, but in the nighttime. I'm just not sure of the answer. It's certainly not bariatric surgery. I would eat the same way at night no matter if my stomach were 10 cc or 1000 cc.
Last night, starting this journal kept me away from all but a late meal of two burrito shells filled with some seven-layer dip my wife brought home -- and a 100-cal snack pack of guacamole split between them. Not the 400 cal snack I spoke of, but better than the alternative. I've been pretty veggie-less today. Some sweet corn remains in the smoker, bought at farmers market today. I expect I'll eat two ears around 9, and remove the kernels from the other two ears for some southwest corn saute tomorrow -- perhaps looking for an oil-free prep method. Tomorrow I'll be away at the antique mall where I keep a booth -- a good opportunity to take the smoothie in the freezer.
Thinking veggies, I've some cauliflower florets ready to spoil. I think steam and puree with some sweet potato and squash will be a decent breakfast. For tonight -- I've some table grapes, the corn, and maybe some broccoli with some peanut sauce I've been eager to try.
Anyhow... breakfast. I intentionally eat breakfast. Certainly not habitually, because as long as I've been making sure I eat breakfast, when I'm not making sure, I don't. I eat not out of hunger, but of obligation -- a concession to medical advice that eating breakfast is a good thing to do. For all I know, when I pulled the beef out of the smoker and ate it on some tortillas, that was the first I ate today.
I remember thinking this morning that I needed to take my smoothie to work. It's been in the freezer for over a week since I made it. Each day I leave for work, I forget to take it. I forgot again today, even though I had thought about it beforehand. This is the way it is for me, the way it's always been, and the way I expect it will always be. I'm supposed to carry one or two snacks with me to work, and can't imagine many appealing options, and even among such options, I'm sure to leave them behind more times than not.
I do know one thing for sure -- nothing I do in the day -- breakfast, snacking, huge meals or no-seconds, this dinner or that, dessert or not, I'm compelled to be a night nibbler. The answer to night nibbling is probably not to be found in the daytime, but in the nighttime. I'm just not sure of the answer. It's certainly not bariatric surgery. I would eat the same way at night no matter if my stomach were 10 cc or 1000 cc.
Last night, starting this journal kept me away from all but a late meal of two burrito shells filled with some seven-layer dip my wife brought home -- and a 100-cal snack pack of guacamole split between them. Not the 400 cal snack I spoke of, but better than the alternative. I've been pretty veggie-less today. Some sweet corn remains in the smoker, bought at farmers market today. I expect I'll eat two ears around 9, and remove the kernels from the other two ears for some southwest corn saute tomorrow -- perhaps looking for an oil-free prep method. Tomorrow I'll be away at the antique mall where I keep a booth -- a good opportunity to take the smoothie in the freezer.
Thinking veggies, I've some cauliflower florets ready to spoil. I think steam and puree with some sweet potato and squash will be a decent breakfast. For tonight -- I've some table grapes, the corn, and maybe some broccoli with some peanut sauce I've been eager to try.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Intro
Hi.
I'm Bob
I'm 57 years old.
I'm 6 foot 4 inches tall.
I weigh 360 pounds.
My waistline is nearly 60 inches
My glucose is roughly 110
My HbA1c is roughly 5.8
My Total Cholesterol is just under 200
My HDL is well under 40
My resting pulse is about 65
My blood pressure is generally under 120/80
I'm a compulsive over eater.
Trying to find my way to recovery with the help of Overeaters Anonymous, I'm starting to write, one of the nine tools of recovery.
Most folks know the Steps. I've really not even taken the first.
I've taken the kind of steps outlined in what appears to be a defunct website, smallstep.gov.
I'm struggling with starting with the tools. I found a sponsor today. I'm getting ready to make a food plan and action plan. Tentatively --- I want to eat less at a time, and more often, except at night, when I graze on this thing and that, mostly that. I can allow myself 3000 calories. I estimate I typically eat around 5000, about half that after 8 PM. A rough schedule of eating would be
I'm Bob
I'm 57 years old.
I'm 6 foot 4 inches tall.
I weigh 360 pounds.
My waistline is nearly 60 inches
My glucose is roughly 110
My HbA1c is roughly 5.8
My Total Cholesterol is just under 200
My HDL is well under 40
My resting pulse is about 65
My blood pressure is generally under 120/80
I'm a compulsive over eater.
Trying to find my way to recovery with the help of Overeaters Anonymous, I'm starting to write, one of the nine tools of recovery.
Most folks know the Steps. I've really not even taken the first.
I've taken the kind of steps outlined in what appears to be a defunct website, smallstep.gov.
- I don't drink soda.
- I shop the perimeter, not the aisles.
- I have fresh produce daily, multiples kinds, multiples times, with multiple means of preparation.
- I eat mostly whole grains.
- I eat fatty fish, mostly pink (fresh caught Chum) salmon, but also sardines. I don't eat much white fish.
- I eat meat in moderation.
- I eat beans when I can.
- I take several short walks/bike rides daily.
- I take a couple long walks/rides each week.
- I get my probiotics, from diary or cabbage.
- I avoid stress -- perhaps pathologically so, placing stress on others as a consequence.
- I get adequate sleep, though I ought be using a BiPAP ventilator, which I gave up using.
- I don't take any medications or suppliments, though there have been times I took several.
I'm struggling with starting with the tools. I found a sponsor today. I'm getting ready to make a food plan and action plan. Tentatively --- I want to eat less at a time, and more often, except at night, when I graze on this thing and that, mostly that. I can allow myself 3000 calories. I estimate I typically eat around 5000, about half that after 8 PM. A rough schedule of eating would be
- 9 AM -- 1000 cal, being 2 eggs, or 1 cup (dry) of whole grain or 3 med potatoes with 2 cups of veggies, 3 oz of meat (or 6 of beans) and 2-3 tbsp of cooking oil (I hesitate to commit to using only vegetable oils)
- 12 Noon -- 300 cal snack (fruity)
- 3 PM -- 300 cal snack (sandwichy)
- 6 PM -- 1000 cal, being 6 oz meat, starchy side or bread, and veggie side -- or some kind of stew/ragout
- 9 PM -- 400 cal nightcap -- a good time for kimchi/kraut and hummus/refried beans and such.
I'm not sure what that will amount to in the specifics. My big deal is portable snacks for mid-day. It's not something I really care to do -- I'd rather fast between breakfast and supper, but I'm told time and again that this is not good for me.
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