Groan

I don't recall eating breakfast this morning.  I might have had something.  I've been wracking my brain trying to remember what, if anything.  This morning, I was preparing the smoker.  There was some beef and some salmon that would spoil if left any longer in the fridge.  I also had some peppers to smoke.  All the prep, including cleanup from the last time, took all morning.  I did brew some coffee, and do a little reading outdoors.  I was reading the beginning of a book from Hazelden on ACOAs with compulsive overeating.  It's looking kinda clinical, objectifying the sufferer and her family of origin. Not my experience, really.  My folks were competent and caring, though my Mom had some Mommie Dearest tantrums from time to time.  I was a troubled kid, though.  I'm still not sure what the trouble war, or at least might be called... but the trouble sticks with me.  I call it Aspergers, but it's different.  I've called it different things.  Most people call me Schizo, but that's not it either.

Anyhow... breakfast.  I intentionally eat breakfast.  Certainly not habitually, because as long as I've been making sure I eat breakfast, when I'm not making sure, I don't.  I eat not out of hunger, but of obligation -- a concession to medical advice that eating breakfast is a good thing to do.  For all I know, when I pulled the beef out of the smoker and ate it on some tortillas, that was the first I ate today.

I remember thinking this morning that I needed to take my smoothie to work.   It's been in the freezer for over a week since I made it.  Each day I leave for work, I forget to take it.  I forgot again today, even though I had thought about it beforehand.  This is the way it is for me, the way it's always been, and the way I expect it will always be.  I'm supposed to carry one or two snacks with me to work, and can't imagine many appealing options, and even among such options, I'm sure to leave them behind more times than not.

I do know one thing for sure -- nothing I do in the day -- breakfast, snacking, huge meals or no-seconds, this dinner or that, dessert or not, I'm compelled to be a night nibbler.  The answer to night nibbling is probably not to be found in the daytime, but in the nighttime.  I'm just not sure of the answer.  It's certainly not bariatric surgery.  I would eat the same way at night no matter if my stomach were 10 cc or 1000 cc.

Last night, starting this journal kept me away from all but a late meal of two burrito shells filled with some seven-layer dip my wife brought home -- and a 100-cal snack pack of guacamole split between them.  Not the 400 cal snack I spoke of, but better than the alternative.  I've been pretty veggie-less today.  Some sweet corn remains in the smoker, bought at farmers market today.  I expect I'll eat two ears around 9, and remove the kernels from the other two ears for some southwest corn saute tomorrow -- perhaps looking for an oil-free prep method.  Tomorrow I'll be away at the antique mall where I keep a booth -- a good opportunity to take the smoothie in the freezer.

Thinking veggies, I've some cauliflower florets ready to spoil.  I think steam and puree with some sweet potato and squash will be a decent breakfast. For tonight -- I've some table grapes, the corn, and maybe some broccoli with some peanut sauce I've been eager to try.