Seaweed salad, first attempt.

Back to starting the day with a plan, and doing the day according to plan.  Kinda.  I was dragging my feet with respect to getting to work.  Reading on the porch instead.  Kinda chilly out there, but it's where I'm most comfortable reading.  I did the broccoli at about 7, ice cream about 11, went to work about 2, got the mail out and did some extra biking, maybe 5 mile total instead of 2.  Had juice and sandwich in an empty room in my building about 5.  Did some shelving and listing of books for a couple hours.  Came home and made the seaweed salad.  It was left to marinate all day in vinegar and spices, but I doubt that did much.  Shaved some onion and pepper and ginger and cooked a hunk of black rice noodles (tangent alert).  I went pretty much high fiber years ago.  Has it outlived its purpose, I was wondering as I browsed the noodle choices.  I wanted something to suppress my appetite and give me a full feeling.  Is brown bread that much better than white bread, for that purpose?  Even if not, other purposed support black rice instead of plain rice noodles, and all the other fiber choices I make.  It generally just tastes better.  Anyhow -- that was OK.  It filled a large bowl -- dressed with sesame oil, soy sauce, and balsamic vinegar.  Quite chewy -- couldn't gum this -- wore my dentures.  Not like the buffet, but not bad.  I'll do it again, but next time with the dry seaweed.  What's left of the wet I'll next try roasted,  Just curious.  I'll add some too next time I do cabbage.  And the fish -- it wasn't scaled, so I skinned it.  The skin will go to stock with the bones and scraps.  I don't weigh my food, but estimate I did get about 4-5 oz from the thick part of one side of the steak.  The thin parts and other thick part were reserved.  I think I'll do a huge breakfast tomorrow with broccoli pilaf with some of the reserved salmon.  The piece I just ate was cooked in cedar paper -- no oil, just a sprinkle of seafood seasoning, one of those mixes you find on a spice rack.  Nicely done -- a little char at the edges, which stuck to the paper, but well worth scraping off, and flaky flesh.  Just ate as is -- no dressing, no nothing, just fish flakes eaten with fingers.

Now I planned on grilled cheese with shaved fennel.  Gonna do that now, about quarter to ten.  As for plan -- pilaf breakfast, subway $5 footlong for two snacks, 3 inches at a time.  The half that remains I can do for breakfast on Saturday.  I'll get the oat bread, as usual.  Not sure what sandwich I'll get.  Likely whatever the monthly special is -- maybe tuna melt if I pick from the regular menu.  I favor banana peppers among the toppings.  Always provolone cheese when given a choice.  Dinner.... pondering the fridge.  I've had butternut squash just sitting around.  I could George Foreman grill some slices and eat that with a packet of Indian dal that I bought yesterday. No meat needed, but maybe some pasta.  About 1/3 package of whole wheat egg noodles.  Late snack?  I'll make a smoothie with kefir and apple and cranberry and some more of the butternut.

My reading has been from a book lent me by someone at church -- about an active lay woman in an urban California church.  Hard to put my reactions to early reading into words.  Just enough said perhaps that artsy people with spiritual sensitivity is a group to which I feel I've little to give, but wish I did.  I feel so left out.  But, heck, is there any group I feel drawn in?  Most groups though, I'm quite content to be left out.  This is a group where I lose that contentment.  As for the drawn in remark -- I'm actually feeling a bit of that.  It's not exactly an unfamiliar feeling, but rather uncommon and a bit unsettling, though gratifying.  I'm not yet confident, and confidence is indeed rather unfamiliar and wholly unreliable. Now its past 10 -- best get moving on the grilled cheese.

Navel lint smells like cheese

I went to Weds meeting today.  It was just me and proto-sponsor --- 'mentor' a word for the role I saw in a Lifeline magazine.  So we talked at some length about identifying binge foods and following a meal plan.  We agreed I'll call close to 8 tomorrow to do that.  So I'm thinking on the fly, kind of, what I'll eat tomorrow.  For today, I ate leftovers pretty much.  Breakfast was turkey ragout left over from the weekend.  Lunch was Zatarain's jambalaya with some added trinity and the half can of mackerel I reserved from last week.  I ate it all, about 2 and a half bowls.  Nutrition info said the rice was 6 servings of 130 cal each.  I'm not sure about the fish.  I don't count the trinity, but should count the oil, about 2 tbsp.  So I guess it all adds up to about 1200 cal.  No good way of counting breakfast.  It was only a bowl full, and mostly veggies.  Dinner was a salad made by Donna, and a grilled Kansas City Steak bacon wrapped filet.  I steamed some asparagus -- the heads were about to go soft --- should have eaten them a few days ago, and the steak choice was "What would go with the asparagus?" decision.  I had cut off the bottom 1/3 and reserved for stock.  I used a bit more -- I think in the ragout -- but can't recall exactly -- so about 1/2 pound left.  maybe 3/4.  Stinky pee!!  No sauce -- just eaten right from the steamer.  I enjoy.  It was on sale.  I don't pay $4 a pound for much of anything but will pay $2 for asparagus.  I ate around 8, with an ice cream novelty for dessert, so no snack tonight.  I prob should just fast till morning.  I allow myself a swig of kefir and a swig of Silk.  Today, I have some pumpkin eggnog bought at discount.  I remember I had planned to eat kraut as evening snack.  Live culture kraut.  Lacking any at home right now, I have my kefir -- so no fast, but no solids.

Anyhow -- I go shopping all the time.  Yesterday I bought a gift for Tom and ended up with him at Bonefish with the happy hour appetizers and a glass of wine.  I has earlier gotten some produce at Kroger (and the eggnog) with a cabbage and broccoli and onions and whole wheat hoagie rolls.  Also some V-8 fusion juice packs.  So, tomorrow, I'm eating for breakfast steamed heads of an older broccoli, maybe in peanut sauce in whole wheat wraps.  I made a ham sandwich (deli slices Donna got a Food Lion) on one of the rolls and packed a juice for tomorrow at work.  Today's shopping brought me seaweed, both dried and fresh, from an oriental market, and some Indian meals of a different brand.  I also got a salmon steak, about a pound of it.  I think I'll filet each side for two meals and make stock of the scraps.  So about a 5 oz salmon and a first attempt at seaweed salad.  I've not consulted a recipe book yet  I'm CRAVING the seaweed salad served at the local chinese buffet.  I don't recognize this as a binge craving.  I just love the stuff and hope can replicate at home.  I may dress the filets tonight.  I got black rice noodles of the same brand as the sorghum noodles I've been eating.  I may as well use a bundle of those.  My vague intent has been to use some kind of fish oil in dressing the seaweed, but I've not found any culinary, and may seek medicinal (cod liver?).  Which reminds me I forgot about vinegar.  I've different kinds at home, including unfiltered cider I'll swig from time to time when I'm frittish in the kitchen.  I'll prob dress in sesame oil and balsamic.  I need to get some wine vinegars.  So that's breakfast, a single snack, and dinner.  My thought is a late snack of pumpkin ice cream.  I may make a day snack of that and a late snack of....

I'm thinking what crave foods do qualify as binge foods.  Ice cream is on the list, but I can handle just a scoop instead of the heaping full bowl.  It's a binge food in that I can eat 2000 calories at a sitting and many a time I have.  Pastries are that way.  Certain candies.  But what of cheese?  There's some sliced cheese in the fridge I'm thinking as a decent late snack -- maybe with the broccoli stems.  Broccoli casserole is an ambitious snack and kind of redundant with breakfast .... so I'm pondering a sandwich with shaved fennel on a grilled cheese.  I tend not to dress sandwiches -- zucchini slices are a standby.  I could but won't tomorrow.  The fennel sounds like a winner.  So...

9AM.....broccoli wraps with peanut sauce.

1 PM Sandwich and juice

5 PM ice cream scoop.

6:30 PM  Salmon, seaweed and rice noodle salad

9 PM Grilled fennel and cheese.

Spoke to pastor today.  I managed to not be creepy.  I think positive things are developing.  Helped with community outreach and attended book club too.  Emotions and impulsiveness pretty much in check.  Actually, feedback from church has been pretty positive the past week, and I think unsolicited and unprompted -- spontaneous and timely.  It helps my misgivings and strengthens the attachments I feel.  Reading AA big book I've realized my recent introspections are not necessarily what the program desires.  I keep forgetting my need to look outside myself -- but -- hard to express here -- I need to remain aware of what's inside myself -- find the balance between navel gazing and distraction into oblivion.  A half dozen things today pulling me out of navel gazing mode. I'm good with that.  Grateful for that, I guess.

Finally according to plan

I pretty much followed through with the plan put up last night.  Cabbage for breakfast -- meatless, with an assortment of other veggies -- two bowls full -- regular size bowl.  Simple sandwich packed -- just some cold cut turkey on whole grain wheat.  Funny thing -- sugar was right up there on the ingredient list.  Third, I think -- I forget what was second.  But 4g sugars per serving.  Did most get fermented away?  Also a frozen smoothie made a couple weeks ago -- mostly from cantalope.  It was my late snack -- took that long to melt.  I ate both outdoors.  I'm not bringing food into the workplace -- kept it in my car until ready to eat.  Nice, I guess, to have structured breaks, too.  I spent more time at work than in a long time, but didn't get a whole lot done.  I get a whole lot less done when I let the slow pace of everything deter me from doing anything at all. 

Home I mixed an egg in half a can of mackerel, added some bread crumbs and hummus and used that as a binder for jullienned sweet potato, carrot, and broccoli stem.  Not much seasoning -- I figured the ingredients would carry plenty.  Made 3 large patties cooked dry -- for quite a while too.  Kinda crusty on either side, but a decent texture inside.  Not too fishy.  I ate with some guacamole.  Finished about 8:30.  Maybe no snack tonight.  I called my proto-sponsor and mentioned ground turkey as a snack.  I guess I'm committed to that.  That or nothing.  Maybe some fluids instead -- some silk fruit drink and plain kefir.  We'll see.

I did the post office bike ride.  Filled the tires first.  It does make one helluva difference.

Now to ponder tomorrow.  I've a vague desire to get to the RTF trail day.  But I never feel much like doing anything at all in the morning, especially that time of the morning.  I think leftover Gen Tso for a quick breakfast.  Not sure what could carry with me.  I'd like to eat out if I'm going out, but not sure when this whole thing breaks up.  I'll just take a sport bar I've kept around for such an occasion.  Buffets are where I eat, usually.  Cici's is out -- perhaps forever and ever.  One of four indian options are my preference.  Chinese has been disappointing, as far as filling my plate with veggies.  American buffets, of which I only know Wood Grill -- most have shut down, are great for a healthy plate, as well as a pig out plate.  If I have a buffet weakness, it would be smoked sausage.  That might be a binge food thing in OA, like CiCis.  I'm sure I can pass it up, with incredible regret, though.  Potatoes are another tasty option I need to refuse -- I love french fries with brown gravy, or home fries and sausage gravy.  Lately, I get the baked sweet and turn down the butter, brown sugar, and such.  We'll see -- I'll probably go indian, anyhow.  Late meal -- That will be the ground turkey -- some kind of ragout served over spaghetti squash.

I read the chapter in AA big book after Bill's Story.  I forget what it's called, but talks mostly about the hopelessness of alcoholism absent God's intervention.  I have to attribute spiritual transformation entirely to God's action.  I was pondering today that His apparent inaction, though, is no excuse for mine.  I remember a joke of a man refusing rescue three times, saying 'God will save me' -- he finally dies and asked God why he didn't save him. God responds -- I sent a bus and a cop and a boat, what more would you have me do?

368 pounds, a new high

I waited at the Sunday meeting site, and nobody showed up.  All those feelings of people not showing up because I am showing up.  I can't shake it.  Weds meeting someone volunteered to be something of a sponsor.  In this case, it involves a commitment the beginning of each day to some kind of meal plan.  This is new for me.  And I've not done it.  I'm not there yet.  I'm not sure how to get there.  Just do it, perhaps.  What will I eat tomorrow?  Eat for myself and cook for Donna?  I've got left over collards and Gen Tso from today.  The Tso was an interesting project.  It came from the pineapple I cut up the other day, sitting in the freezer.  I was grabbing some meat -- Donna bought some cheap steaks and ground beef at Sams, but I saw the pineapple and found some chicken breasts -- made a sauce with some rotten peaches and fresh cranberries, molasses, ketchup, soy sauce, vinegar, and diced pineapple and peppers.  Ginger and hot sauce too.  Fried chicken medallions with batter and bread crumbs (turmeric in the batter -- good salt substitute, it seems to be turning out.  Not sure yet how to use the saltiness it gives).  Also some steamed broccoli.  Now this is something I don't dream up at the start of the day, or the night before.  Anyhow -- what would I plan for tomorrow?

Slaw would be cool.  I've never figured out a decent dressing for slaw.  I use store bought, which is crap --- full of stuff I ought not eat.  So I eat hot slaw -- I have a rotten turnip still left, some broccoli stalk, cabbage.  I could maybe braise rather than saute, but my preferred way is with sausage.  I think I'll use some pepper-flavored olive oil mixed with some sesame oil.  That's the ticket.  And now I really do need to bring something to work.  Turkey on whole wheat bread.  Dinner?  I could let Donna do burgers for herself, and I would do something with the canned Mackerel I bought.  But what kind of something?  What can I save half of?  Something like a casserole?  I'm thinking sweet potato and seeing what Google brings me.  Smoked mackerel -- not canned, in all this.  But an interesting idea -- kale, mackerel, and cream cheese mixed, and layered in mashed sweet potato.  I'm sure the cream cheese will raise OA eyebrows.  Raises mine.  Maybe guacamole.  That's the ticket.  Actually -- no.  That means no leftovers.  Guacamole doesn't allow that.  But I can maybe just store the unaltered fish -- use half a can. It's said tuna recipes will often work, but I have few of them.  I'll just talk generalities and let pantry and such guide the outcome.  I'm such a rotten planner.  It's another of those step 6 things -- character defects abound.

After Weds meeting, I stepped on the scale at Gold's Gym.  368 -- most I've ever been.  Some heavy clothing and such, but still -- I'm not doing it right.  This emotional/spiritual/physical hunger is insatiable.  And I'm not catching on to the program.  I keep hearing "this healing comes but with prayer and fasting."  Fasting is not really an OA thing, but I'm pondering still.  My thought would be Sunday meeting to Weds meeting -- about 2-1/2 days.  And those are days Donna can fend for herself.  Prayer without fasting is something I'm still not hooked into.  I think that would do me more good than fasting without prayer.  Something has to happen.  Eating nothing seems to me a whole lot easier than refusing seconds.  It's just not a sustainable practice.  But neither is 1200 cal, or even 3000.  Deprivation is the feeling one gets from any amount less than bursting.

Catching my breath.

Not a daily thing any more.... not even weekly.  I'm just back from my little bike trip to the post office.  Huffing and puffing.  Again, a week off puts one a month behind in conditioning.  But low tire pressure had something to do with it, too.  I'll have to fill before the next time.

I get these thoughts when I travel, in the car, on the bike --- and generally when I can't afford total distraction or absorption.  Like laying in bed dreading the day ahead.  Less dread into the day, usually, than at the start.  But I sit to write and can't recall these ruminations.  Most my obsessing today has to do with Sunday School.  I talk too much.  I talk too impulsively self-promoting.  I'm not such a good listener.  Same in OA meetings.  Same in a classroom. Same in one-on-one with anyone.  I don't serve my self well in general by my ways, nor am I served by not being myself.  It sucks to be me.  There's a step for that -- the 7th, I think.  Let God make me a better man.  I don't hold much hope of becoming anything other than who I already am.  I'm not sure who I wish I could be.  My confession (as opposed to my belief) is that I can discover in myself who I wish to be, not in being a replica of another.  I already am what God wishes me to be, made me to be.  But sick and corrupt and obscured.  It's there.  I've just lost sight, or never had sight.  What I believe is that the essence of me is in the corruption, not some Logos or Atman or Psyche.  I have as much trouble believing in such as I do believing in God, though I confess God.  One thing I remember thinking was that I wish Christianity were true, at least the kind of Christianity I confess and try to make known.  Not the kind that scares me and others away as incurious, belligerent and manipulative.  How nice it would be if the Christianity I wish were true, was indeed true.  How might one become confident in that hope, or at long last abandon it (abandon all hope?).

Anyhow -- some of what I was thinking had to do with metaphor of snacking -- of the tendency to take gratification to gluttony -- all or nothing at all.  I don't know how to be small -- only absent or -- can't find a word -- over-engaged, or disengaged.  And then burned out and moving on elsewhere.

Meals -- breakfast was MTR Ramja Masala on half a spaghetti squash.  I also has a brownie and some potato chips.  The whole snack thing is still an obstacle.  I don't like the idea of bringing food to work, even when the idea occurs to me, which it usually doesn't.  I did take a small step to snacking -- had to spend my eBay bucks, and ended up spending them on some thermos bottles.  I buy lots of things to help me do things I don't care to do.  I end up with lots of things I never use. 

That 'ain't enuf' feeling

This has been a noodle day, kinda.  Sorghum noodles in turnip stir fry for breakfast -- brunch, really -- I ate at 11.  This was pretty good.  I used some tinned mackerel belly.  4 small turnips julienned, along with about a half cup more mixed veggies (peppers, carrots, fennel, ginger).  I cooked in sausage grease and added some sesame oil.  It was enough to fill a big bowl -- kind of a serving piece, as big around as a plate and about an inch deep.  I wanted more than that.  I ended up eating the sausage on an english muffin.

I worked a few hours and came home to make dinner for Donna.  I had some manager special chicken sausage links -- hot Italian I think.  I don't much care to cook sausages.  It would be cool to have a roller thing like 7/11.  For myself, I tend to microwave upright in a coffee cup.  These I kind of braised with some chopped onion and pepper.  I had 3 links.  One I diced into the veggies and added some acorn squash, garlic, ginger, and fennel to stew a while.  Some butter in there too.  The way it cooked down, I ended up adding a can of sweet peas, a quarter cup or so of Alfredo sauce, and some whole wheat spaghetti.  This was all eaten after a cheese omelet (Lately I'd been using 2 eggs.  Tonight more like 4 -- 6 really, with 2 for Donna) and a sausage link.  I had about half, and wanted the other half.  I decided to put it away for tomorrow instead.  Went to work a few more hours and came home for some ice cream.  It's never enough ice cream. 

Wednesday was OA.  I keep getting stuck on God.  It's occurring to me more and more that its not really about God -- it's about neediness -- psychic hunger/thirst/jonesin'.  And one's attitude toward God can influence the needy vibes we put out and the needy ache we seek to soothe.  Most my God thought amplifies my neediness.  I still vividly recall in the middle of a religious meeting pleading with God out loud -- quite loud -- to make the pain go away.  The kind of pain that gets people telling me -- it sucks to be you, eh? -- a kind of ironic plea for me to stuff it with the whining.  Anyhow, afterward I skipped the Mongolian buffet, having had breakfast before.  I almost feel obligated to go there whenever I'm downtown. It's a chance to eat interesting stuff.  Just too much of it.  I remember telling my doctor who asked what I'd eaten that morning (to see if blood draw would be valid) -- and I said 5 stacks of keep-em-coming pancakes at IHOP.  He smirked and said "You win" -- more irony.  But I do feel obliged to get more than my money's worth in most everything I do, especially eating.  Perhaps I can address that.  I've been trying to tell myself, with food at least, that I need to be willing (willing is magic word in 12-step) to let enough be enough.  It's all about neediness.  I'm not sure I've ever not been -- the more so when I try to suppress it.  People sense it.  People are repulsed.  And in almost 60 years, I've not found a way to not appear needy, much less feel and be needy.  I'm not sure the 12 steps are the way out of this.  I know 12-step meetings are bringing me toward where I'm most inept.  And I'm feeling that, but still forging on.  The pain of isolation is worse than the pain of alienation.  Not really.  Alienation is worse, but alienation has hope.  Isolation is hopelessness.

Writing again after 2 week hiatus

I've been back from my trip for a while, but just now getting back to writing this blog, after doing it daily for a week.  What really broke the trend was sour feelings Tuesday and Wednesday before the trip -- a disappointing absence from the Weds OA meeting and a particularly nasty tirade from my wife, who repeatedly invites me to leave her.  The emotions associated with such things do bring me to take refuge in shopping, cooking, and eating food -- my triune addiction.

The trip was pleasant, but yet another reminder that I've fallen so far since 1991, and haven't found my way back. Just like the reminder from the fellow at church.  I've made something of a pledge to myself to go regular to that church and its social/discipleship offerings.  My sister and her husband have a huge house and a pretty well-ordered life and a decent friendship between them.  I enjoyed their company.  Food on the trip was not a big problem.  I did drink lots of beer.  I did feel somewhat veggie-less, but some chinese food (which made me at least 4 meals from leftovers) and a salad at a dinner with my cousins provided plenty.  I did a day on a rented bike and a day on foot.  Otherwise not terribly active.

Sunday I did an OA meeting.  I've not really gone walking after since my walking partner stopped coming.  I haven't done any real walking/biking since getting home.  Today did a few laps around GF9 and Crutchfield buildings.  Tomorrow would be a good bike day.  An enterprising person would set up the car carrier for my bike and take it with me to meeting for a ride in or around C-ville.  I do plan to go to meeting.

Food today -- Cabbage this morning, with this and that.  I had some sandwiches at intervals during the day -- cheese and seafood salad.  Donna cooked pork chops, sweet potato fries, and steamed cauliflower and carrots with some salad dressing.  I enjoyed that.  Last night I made something kinda like borscht.  I had 4 small beets that I roasted, peeled, and julienned which went into what started as onion soup -- with a leftover steak, two onions sliced fine, some celery/carrots/fennel/mushrooms/cabbage, and I guess that's about it.  Finished it off with a couple tbsp of cream cheese -- add a bit of richness to the broth.  I have a bowl I could heat up right now.  I started writing to keep me from staring in the refrigerator.  That or some table grapes for a nightcap.  Perhaps, though, it's late for a nightcap.  I should try to fast after 9 PM.  The soup would be a good breakfast.