Not a daily thing any more.... not even weekly. I'm just back from my little bike trip to the post office. Huffing and puffing. Again, a week off puts one a month behind in conditioning. But low tire pressure had something to do with it, too. I'll have to fill before the next time.
I get these thoughts when I travel, in the car, on the bike --- and generally when I can't afford total distraction or absorption. Like laying in bed dreading the day ahead. Less dread into the day, usually, than at the start. But I sit to write and can't recall these ruminations. Most my obsessing today has to do with Sunday School. I talk too much. I talk too impulsively self-promoting. I'm not such a good listener. Same in OA meetings. Same in a classroom. Same in one-on-one with anyone. I don't serve my self well in general by my ways, nor am I served by not being myself. It sucks to be me. There's a step for that -- the 7th, I think. Let God make me a better man. I don't hold much hope of becoming anything other than who I already am. I'm not sure who I wish I could be. My confession (as opposed to my belief) is that I can discover in myself who I wish to be, not in being a replica of another. I already am what God wishes me to be, made me to be. But sick and corrupt and obscured. It's there. I've just lost sight, or never had sight. What I believe is that the essence of me is in the corruption, not some Logos or Atman or Psyche. I have as much trouble believing in such as I do believing in God, though I confess God. One thing I remember thinking was that I wish Christianity were true, at least the kind of Christianity I confess and try to make known. Not the kind that scares me and others away as incurious, belligerent and manipulative. How nice it would be if the Christianity I wish were true, was indeed true. How might one become confident in that hope, or at long last abandon it (abandon all hope?).
Anyhow -- some of what I was thinking had to do with metaphor of snacking -- of the tendency to take gratification to gluttony -- all or nothing at all. I don't know how to be small -- only absent or -- can't find a word -- over-engaged, or disengaged. And then burned out and moving on elsewhere.
Meals -- breakfast was MTR Ramja Masala on half a spaghetti squash. I also has a brownie and some potato chips. The whole snack thing is still an obstacle. I don't like the idea of bringing food to work, even when the idea occurs to me, which it usually doesn't. I did take a small step to snacking -- had to spend my eBay bucks, and ended up spending them on some thermos bottles. I buy lots of things to help me do things I don't care to do. I end up with lots of things I never use.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Friday, October 19, 2012
That 'ain't enuf' feeling
This has been a noodle day, kinda. Sorghum noodles in turnip stir fry for breakfast -- brunch, really -- I ate at 11. This was pretty good. I used some tinned mackerel belly. 4 small turnips julienned, along with about a half cup more mixed veggies (peppers, carrots, fennel, ginger). I cooked in sausage grease and added some sesame oil. It was enough to fill a big bowl -- kind of a serving piece, as big around as a plate and about an inch deep. I wanted more than that. I ended up eating the sausage on an english muffin.
I worked a few hours and came home to make dinner for Donna. I had some manager special chicken sausage links -- hot Italian I think. I don't much care to cook sausages. It would be cool to have a roller thing like 7/11. For myself, I tend to microwave upright in a coffee cup. These I kind of braised with some chopped onion and pepper. I had 3 links. One I diced into the veggies and added some acorn squash, garlic, ginger, and fennel to stew a while. Some butter in there too. The way it cooked down, I ended up adding a can of sweet peas, a quarter cup or so of Alfredo sauce, and some whole wheat spaghetti. This was all eaten after a cheese omelet (Lately I'd been using 2 eggs. Tonight more like 4 -- 6 really, with 2 for Donna) and a sausage link. I had about half, and wanted the other half. I decided to put it away for tomorrow instead. Went to work a few more hours and came home for some ice cream. It's never enough ice cream.
Wednesday was OA. I keep getting stuck on God. It's occurring to me more and more that its not really about God -- it's about neediness -- psychic hunger/thirst/jonesin'. And one's attitude toward God can influence the needy vibes we put out and the needy ache we seek to soothe. Most my God thought amplifies my neediness. I still vividly recall in the middle of a religious meeting pleading with God out loud -- quite loud -- to make the pain go away. The kind of pain that gets people telling me -- it sucks to be you, eh? -- a kind of ironic plea for me to stuff it with the whining. Anyhow, afterward I skipped the Mongolian buffet, having had breakfast before. I almost feel obligated to go there whenever I'm downtown. It's a chance to eat interesting stuff. Just too much of it. I remember telling my doctor who asked what I'd eaten that morning (to see if blood draw would be valid) -- and I said 5 stacks of keep-em-coming pancakes at IHOP. He smirked and said "You win" -- more irony. But I do feel obliged to get more than my money's worth in most everything I do, especially eating. Perhaps I can address that. I've been trying to tell myself, with food at least, that I need to be willing (willing is magic word in 12-step) to let enough be enough. It's all about neediness. I'm not sure I've ever not been -- the more so when I try to suppress it. People sense it. People are repulsed. And in almost 60 years, I've not found a way to not appear needy, much less feel and be needy. I'm not sure the 12 steps are the way out of this. I know 12-step meetings are bringing me toward where I'm most inept. And I'm feeling that, but still forging on. The pain of isolation is worse than the pain of alienation. Not really. Alienation is worse, but alienation has hope. Isolation is hopelessness.
I worked a few hours and came home to make dinner for Donna. I had some manager special chicken sausage links -- hot Italian I think. I don't much care to cook sausages. It would be cool to have a roller thing like 7/11. For myself, I tend to microwave upright in a coffee cup. These I kind of braised with some chopped onion and pepper. I had 3 links. One I diced into the veggies and added some acorn squash, garlic, ginger, and fennel to stew a while. Some butter in there too. The way it cooked down, I ended up adding a can of sweet peas, a quarter cup or so of Alfredo sauce, and some whole wheat spaghetti. This was all eaten after a cheese omelet (Lately I'd been using 2 eggs. Tonight more like 4 -- 6 really, with 2 for Donna) and a sausage link. I had about half, and wanted the other half. I decided to put it away for tomorrow instead. Went to work a few more hours and came home for some ice cream. It's never enough ice cream.
Wednesday was OA. I keep getting stuck on God. It's occurring to me more and more that its not really about God -- it's about neediness -- psychic hunger/thirst/jonesin'. And one's attitude toward God can influence the needy vibes we put out and the needy ache we seek to soothe. Most my God thought amplifies my neediness. I still vividly recall in the middle of a religious meeting pleading with God out loud -- quite loud -- to make the pain go away. The kind of pain that gets people telling me -- it sucks to be you, eh? -- a kind of ironic plea for me to stuff it with the whining. Anyhow, afterward I skipped the Mongolian buffet, having had breakfast before. I almost feel obligated to go there whenever I'm downtown. It's a chance to eat interesting stuff. Just too much of it. I remember telling my doctor who asked what I'd eaten that morning (to see if blood draw would be valid) -- and I said 5 stacks of keep-em-coming pancakes at IHOP. He smirked and said "You win" -- more irony. But I do feel obliged to get more than my money's worth in most everything I do, especially eating. Perhaps I can address that. I've been trying to tell myself, with food at least, that I need to be willing (willing is magic word in 12-step) to let enough be enough. It's all about neediness. I'm not sure I've ever not been -- the more so when I try to suppress it. People sense it. People are repulsed. And in almost 60 years, I've not found a way to not appear needy, much less feel and be needy. I'm not sure the 12 steps are the way out of this. I know 12-step meetings are bringing me toward where I'm most inept. And I'm feeling that, but still forging on. The pain of isolation is worse than the pain of alienation. Not really. Alienation is worse, but alienation has hope. Isolation is hopelessness.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Writing again after 2 week hiatus
I've been back from my trip for a while, but just now getting back to writing this blog, after doing it daily for a week. What really broke the trend was sour feelings Tuesday and Wednesday before the trip -- a disappointing absence from the Weds OA meeting and a particularly nasty tirade from my wife, who repeatedly invites me to leave her. The emotions associated with such things do bring me to take refuge in shopping, cooking, and eating food -- my triune addiction.
The trip was pleasant, but yet another reminder that I've fallen so far since 1991, and haven't found my way back. Just like the reminder from the fellow at church. I've made something of a pledge to myself to go regular to that church and its social/discipleship offerings. My sister and her husband have a huge house and a pretty well-ordered life and a decent friendship between them. I enjoyed their company. Food on the trip was not a big problem. I did drink lots of beer. I did feel somewhat veggie-less, but some chinese food (which made me at least 4 meals from leftovers) and a salad at a dinner with my cousins provided plenty. I did a day on a rented bike and a day on foot. Otherwise not terribly active.
Sunday I did an OA meeting. I've not really gone walking after since my walking partner stopped coming. I haven't done any real walking/biking since getting home. Today did a few laps around GF9 and Crutchfield buildings. Tomorrow would be a good bike day. An enterprising person would set up the car carrier for my bike and take it with me to meeting for a ride in or around C-ville. I do plan to go to meeting.
Food today -- Cabbage this morning, with this and that. I had some sandwiches at intervals during the day -- cheese and seafood salad. Donna cooked pork chops, sweet potato fries, and steamed cauliflower and carrots with some salad dressing. I enjoyed that. Last night I made something kinda like borscht. I had 4 small beets that I roasted, peeled, and julienned which went into what started as onion soup -- with a leftover steak, two onions sliced fine, some celery/carrots/fennel/mushrooms/cabbage, and I guess that's about it. Finished it off with a couple tbsp of cream cheese -- add a bit of richness to the broth. I have a bowl I could heat up right now. I started writing to keep me from staring in the refrigerator. That or some table grapes for a nightcap. Perhaps, though, it's late for a nightcap. I should try to fast after 9 PM. The soup would be a good breakfast.
The trip was pleasant, but yet another reminder that I've fallen so far since 1991, and haven't found my way back. Just like the reminder from the fellow at church. I've made something of a pledge to myself to go regular to that church and its social/discipleship offerings. My sister and her husband have a huge house and a pretty well-ordered life and a decent friendship between them. I enjoyed their company. Food on the trip was not a big problem. I did drink lots of beer. I did feel somewhat veggie-less, but some chinese food (which made me at least 4 meals from leftovers) and a salad at a dinner with my cousins provided plenty. I did a day on a rented bike and a day on foot. Otherwise not terribly active.
Sunday I did an OA meeting. I've not really gone walking after since my walking partner stopped coming. I haven't done any real walking/biking since getting home. Today did a few laps around GF9 and Crutchfield buildings. Tomorrow would be a good bike day. An enterprising person would set up the car carrier for my bike and take it with me to meeting for a ride in or around C-ville. I do plan to go to meeting.
Food today -- Cabbage this morning, with this and that. I had some sandwiches at intervals during the day -- cheese and seafood salad. Donna cooked pork chops, sweet potato fries, and steamed cauliflower and carrots with some salad dressing. I enjoyed that. Last night I made something kinda like borscht. I had 4 small beets that I roasted, peeled, and julienned which went into what started as onion soup -- with a leftover steak, two onions sliced fine, some celery/carrots/fennel/mushrooms/cabbage, and I guess that's about it. Finished it off with a couple tbsp of cream cheese -- add a bit of richness to the broth. I have a bowl I could heat up right now. I started writing to keep me from staring in the refrigerator. That or some table grapes for a nightcap. Perhaps, though, it's late for a nightcap. I should try to fast after 9 PM. The soup would be a good breakfast.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Abstinence Schmabstinence
Sleep was my demon today. Sleep and a stupid online game. I was up at 4 to do some housekeeping with the game, then stuffed the pumpkin and put it in the oven. I had the little bit of remaining surplus on some pita bread. I woke up again about 3 hours later. The pumpkin was very much done. A delightful breakfast. The rind peeled right off the flesh which was tender and moist. The filling -- sausage, rice, and veggies mostly -- was wonderful. I've got half a pumpkin and two peppers left to eat -- or maybe discard before my trip. Maybe freeze. We'll see.
Anyhow -- dental cleaning. All good. A few errands downtown after. Then I went hunting for a snack. I didn't see anything on the Burger King menu that appealed, so I ended up at an Indian Buffet -- one of three (plus a Himalayan downtown) here in C'ville. It was a three plater -- my favorite being the paneer and the cabbage. Also was dal, aloo, and mixed veggies, and a couple chicken dishes. Tandoori legs and breast chunks in some sauce. I sampled both. Decent. Came home, read a little of that ACOA book, and then crashed. Slept maybe 3 hours. Woke to Pizza that Donna had made. Night nibbling limited to some pie so far.
Tomorrow, Donna talks about breakfast at IHOP while car getting state inspection. There's OA at 10, that I don't want to miss. I might end up missing it. I have some books to mail before I vacation the accounts for my trip. Then it's all about getting ready for the road.
Anyhow -- dental cleaning. All good. A few errands downtown after. Then I went hunting for a snack. I didn't see anything on the Burger King menu that appealed, so I ended up at an Indian Buffet -- one of three (plus a Himalayan downtown) here in C'ville. It was a three plater -- my favorite being the paneer and the cabbage. Also was dal, aloo, and mixed veggies, and a couple chicken dishes. Tandoori legs and breast chunks in some sauce. I sampled both. Decent. Came home, read a little of that ACOA book, and then crashed. Slept maybe 3 hours. Woke to Pizza that Donna had made. Night nibbling limited to some pie so far.
Tomorrow, Donna talks about breakfast at IHOP while car getting state inspection. There's OA at 10, that I don't want to miss. I might end up missing it. I have some books to mail before I vacation the accounts for my trip. Then it's all about getting ready for the road.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Manic Monday
Still writing to nobody in particular, because nobody has found the blog. Today was a med bike ride day. I've 3 loops near home that I've been doing for years -- of and on. Mostly on foot. The one I keep telling myself I ought do twice a week on the bike is what I did today. I think its about 8 miles loop from the Earlysville Forest entrance, plus the two mile round trip to get there. I do the round trip 3x/wk or so -- to get mail to the post office. Anyhow, I goes through EF to Advance Mills, then onto Fray mountain, Buffalo River, Simmons Gap and finally Buck Mountain road. The dismount spots are several -- the last bit of EF road, the middle part of AdvM and part of Simmons Gap. Some of Fray, too, but not today -- I stayed mounted the whole length. The point of 2x/wk is to have a challenging route by which to measure my conditioning -- which I always think of as plateaued or regressed. It's challenging enough, too to maybe improve my conditioning if done persistently. It's about an hour ride. No need to carry snack or hydration.
Food today -- kinda haphazard. Toast and Hummus, blueberry turnover, Potato salad with relish added. I stopped at home on the bike loop and had 8oz of fruity Silk. In the evening, I was making a braise of the last of yesterday's spare ribs and some cabbage with a few veggie additions (broccoli stalk, onion, ginger, daikon, pepper). Tom came by and we went drinking, as we often do on Mondays. 3 beers and some black bean soup with generous amounts of bacon. Back home, I ate the braise. Delicious.
I continue to read the Empty Heart book from Brazelon. I continue to obsess over the Mat Sci dept head from church, and my own failure to thrive in that profession, despite a good deal of promise. I like the church. I like the pastor. I even like to opportunity to deal with some ghosts, though I fear making a pest of myself. I've been out and about alot lately with this commitment to OA and church shopping. The pest fears are rampant. As well as the resignation that I can't be otherwise, and the admonition to myself that I'm not so powerful as to pester people away from what they'd do were I absent. But people are disappearing. Blaming myself, and thinking that's silly to do so, and not knowing the reality of it all.
Food today -- kinda haphazard. Toast and Hummus, blueberry turnover, Potato salad with relish added. I stopped at home on the bike loop and had 8oz of fruity Silk. In the evening, I was making a braise of the last of yesterday's spare ribs and some cabbage with a few veggie additions (broccoli stalk, onion, ginger, daikon, pepper). Tom came by and we went drinking, as we often do on Mondays. 3 beers and some black bean soup with generous amounts of bacon. Back home, I ate the braise. Delicious.
I continue to read the Empty Heart book from Brazelon. I continue to obsess over the Mat Sci dept head from church, and my own failure to thrive in that profession, despite a good deal of promise. I like the church. I like the pastor. I even like to opportunity to deal with some ghosts, though I fear making a pest of myself. I've been out and about alot lately with this commitment to OA and church shopping. The pest fears are rampant. As well as the resignation that I can't be otherwise, and the admonition to myself that I'm not so powerful as to pester people away from what they'd do were I absent. But people are disappearing. Blaming myself, and thinking that's silly to do so, and not knowing the reality of it all.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
coincidence
Today was church and OA. I don't go to any particular church -- just looking for where I fit. That's not very easy. Today was Buck Mountain Episcopal. The scripture was James, chapter 3, the last paragraph. It was pertinent to the OA discussions as we finished Step 12 from the 12&12 and move on next week to the AA Big Book. There I met a man who is dept head of Mat Sci at UVa. He taught at CMU for several years, but after I graduated. Plenty of troubled thinking in the wake of that meeting, over my failure to thrive in Metallurgy, and the 20 years hence feeling alienated and not economically viable. That was part of the OA discussion too -- two separate lines of thought with different origins and different (though proximate) occasions but common theme. I've still not learned how to be a grown up, and it's too late now. I've already grown old.
I'm not sure what to make of coincidence. The temptation is to attribute it to Providence. Or as I rationalize, it's just an arbitrary event, like those that made me fight the attribution of Providence in leading me to rent from Danny. Yet more challenging thoughts. It's been a day for such.
Breakfast was a 2-egg fritatta with the remainder of some blanched pepper rings I bought at farmers market. about 1/2 loaf of stale artisan wheat bread, some broccoli florets and shrooms and a left over bacon-wrapped filet. A heavy breakfast. Quite tasty. Mid day was nibble, mostly junk food. All day, spare ribs had been in the smoker. I ate hearty -- another heavy meal. Also store-bought tater salad -- 2 lbs for $3 special. Junk since -- sparingly. Some expired blueberry turnovers -- 2 eaten, 2 in reserve.
I've leftovers in the fridge for tomorrow morning. The two peppers from yesterday. As usual, I'll fret over portable snacks. I got some Silk fruit and protein drink. If I can find a container, I thought such might hit the spot mid-day. I've not examined the specifics, but it seems to me a good alternative to the kind of stuff the nutritionist was pushing.
I'm not sure what to make of coincidence. The temptation is to attribute it to Providence. Or as I rationalize, it's just an arbitrary event, like those that made me fight the attribution of Providence in leading me to rent from Danny. Yet more challenging thoughts. It's been a day for such.
Breakfast was a 2-egg fritatta with the remainder of some blanched pepper rings I bought at farmers market. about 1/2 loaf of stale artisan wheat bread, some broccoli florets and shrooms and a left over bacon-wrapped filet. A heavy breakfast. Quite tasty. Mid day was nibble, mostly junk food. All day, spare ribs had been in the smoker. I ate hearty -- another heavy meal. Also store-bought tater salad -- 2 lbs for $3 special. Junk since -- sparingly. Some expired blueberry turnovers -- 2 eaten, 2 in reserve.
I've leftovers in the fridge for tomorrow morning. The two peppers from yesterday. As usual, I'll fret over portable snacks. I got some Silk fruit and protein drink. If I can find a container, I thought such might hit the spot mid-day. I've not examined the specifics, but it seems to me a good alternative to the kind of stuff the nutritionist was pushing.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Bike ride
I hadn't been on a long ride since Labor Day. Today was a good day for a ride -- temperate and no pressing business. My GPS watch was uncharged, so I just rode without it. Doing a route map, I see I rode about 20 miles. Didn't keep track of the time. I know I was spent toward the end. Took my smoothie along. It really hit the spot toward the end of the ride, still partially frozen. I ate the last lump like a popsicle. Besides that, I had 3 500ml bottles of water, an Arizona diet Arnold Palmer, some water at a rec center, and a 12-oz coffee early on, and one of those Kelloggs newtony things. Before the ride, 3 bologna and provolone sandwiches on bagel thins with some farmers market pesto. Also a single serving yogurt.
Made 6 stuffed peppers. Ate 3. Donna ate 1. I put two in the fridge for a quick breakfast. Still have a bowl of filler. My idea was to cook it inside a pie pumpkin. I just might.
I leave for a trip in a few days -- Thursday morning train to Boston to visit my sister and see my favorite band in concert. I'll visit a few site of family-history interest. Find some nice walks. I'm not sure when or how, but I'd like to visit near Wickford RI on a rental bike.
I've not done much today recovery-related. Sponsor-seeking will be deferred until back from my trip. Tomorrow, I'll go to church again, probably. Like many people, I'm not so sure God's found in a church. Alienation more like it. But I'm not sure where else to look. Which reminds me -- Stephen Mitchell apparently has done translation of both the Gita and the Tao Te Ching. I need to seek them out -- other Mitchell too. I trust him. He elucidates.
Snacking tonight.... I really need to clear out the fridge in the next 3 days. Mostly stuff that spoils. I'll let that be my guide. I've got some surplus spinach ricotta filling from last week that needs attention. Baked pasta -- yah, kinda dinnerish, but better that than pastry pig out.
Made 6 stuffed peppers. Ate 3. Donna ate 1. I put two in the fridge for a quick breakfast. Still have a bowl of filler. My idea was to cook it inside a pie pumpkin. I just might.
I leave for a trip in a few days -- Thursday morning train to Boston to visit my sister and see my favorite band in concert. I'll visit a few site of family-history interest. Find some nice walks. I'm not sure when or how, but I'd like to visit near Wickford RI on a rental bike.
I've not done much today recovery-related. Sponsor-seeking will be deferred until back from my trip. Tomorrow, I'll go to church again, probably. Like many people, I'm not so sure God's found in a church. Alienation more like it. But I'm not sure where else to look. Which reminds me -- Stephen Mitchell apparently has done translation of both the Gita and the Tao Te Ching. I need to seek them out -- other Mitchell too. I trust him. He elucidates.
Snacking tonight.... I really need to clear out the fridge in the next 3 days. Mostly stuff that spoils. I'll let that be my guide. I've got some surplus spinach ricotta filling from last week that needs attention. Baked pasta -- yah, kinda dinnerish, but better that than pastry pig out.
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