I just put away the excess Swiss steak. Not much veggies -- an onion, a half bag of frozen pepper strips (I'll start buying those from Trader Joe, I think -- bought a bag for $1.69 vs I think $2.50 at HT. Pretty much elsewhere, the pepper mix is half onion.) two carrots julienne, and about 2" from a stalk of celery, also julienne. You could say fine grated on a mandolin or slivered or whatnot. half inch size pieces, not inches long. A can of diced tomato and a can of some brand of Pizza sauce from Sharp Shopper. I trimmed the meat, sirloin, I think. Not much marbling, but lots of pocket fat. That's reserved for soup some day. Floured with seasoned salt and pepper, browned a bit before covering in sauce. Braised 3 hours, nice and flaky to the fork. I ate mostly the sauce, with a couple little meat chunks, atop most the (brown) rice from a boil-in bag. It filled my plate-sized bowl. I could and there was a time when I would boil another bag and top with what's left. I put it away and write right now because I'd rather have eaten it.
Other food today -- spaghetti for breakfast, a couple ounces of pork loin with a couple tablespoons of cranberry dressing. Dressing was OK, nothing remarkable. The jalapeno has more bite than the cranberry and the taste of pear comes through strong. I'm not remembering if I had specific plans for tonight. Those left over taters are calling me. Erik hasn't arrived yet. Thanksgiving service at church in an hour. I'm wondering if I ought have brined the turkey. Still a chance too. I need to get the right kind of salt, I think. I'm not sure about sugar in brine or how I might spice. I've jalapeno and ginger -- not big quantities. I've a little thyme getting rotten, or maybe already so. I think toasting some seed -- fennel, allspice, fenugreek, and whatever. It's just an 11 pound bird, and looks like 12 hour brine and 6 hour smoke is plenty of time for an early evening feast.
I'm not sure what to do with the whole meal. Have stuffing ingredients, but won't be stuffing the bird. The relish is made. I've brussel sprouts, Pictsweet. I plan to consult Erik for ways to do sweet potatoes. I prefer a hash with breakfast sausage, cooked on the George Foreman grill. That all should be plenty. Eat light before and after. No sweets. Specifics aren't coming to me. I had planned on 7-layer dip tonight, though those potatoes are calling me. I need to eat the rest of the slimy seaweed too. I wanted to roast it. Hmmmm.
I visited an old friend today. I could probably step 9 him from now to Christmas. I think I'll have the opportunity to do so. I think I might step 5 with him if he's willing. He knows his way around all this. And a man my own age is better for the step 5 I need to do than a woman of any age.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Holidays on the horizon
I bought groceries today. My typical grocery bill is $15, mostly produce, manager specials, and beverages (unsweet tea, plain kefir, unsweetened almond milk). It was over $70 today, and included a turkey -- a 10 lb bird I intend to smoke, boneless prime rib (under $4/lb) with 'up to 15% such and such to increase tenderness' and some marinated pork loin. I cooked one of the pork loin for dinner -- George Foreman grill, and then braised, kinda, in some cabbage and potatoes. I had 3 medallions on whole wheat buns, and a plate of potatoes. Both were rosemary seasoned -- that cabbage/taters with some spice mix, and the pork in the package. I was pleased. Donna was pleased. Beyond that, I had leftovers -- soup for breakfast, then spaghetti. Late, I had a mushroom and shredded broccoli omelet with a 2 eggs and a couple ounces of shredded Mexican 4-cheese mix (from 2%). I can tell my quantities are still too big, and I'm still left hungry, but eating less won't leave me any more or less hungry -- I keep needing to remind myself. One has to respond to insatiability by coming up with cues to stop other than the ever elusive subjective fullness/gratification, whatever.
Planning for the next day keeps getting harder. I've got plenty of leftovers -- soup and spaghetti still and now pork and taters. I think spaghetti for breakfast. I made some cranberry relish today -- just stewed in some OJ and added julienne of two pears and a bit of jalapeno. I'll try some of that on some leftover pork for one snack. I'll need to cook again for Donna, which means meal at about 4:30... So just one snack really -- like today. About 1 PM. Dinner....?? I think maybe Swiss steak. I'll take out some frozen sirloin now to thaw. Eric will come over that night and we'll prep the turkey and start it in the smoker. I think that will be an opportunity to share some of the seven-layer dip that Donna bought yesterday.
Recovery-wise, it's been something of a navel gazing day. I'm reading in the AA big book the chapters on How it Works and Into Action... or some such headings... the steps -- Step 4 and following. It's funny how my mind goes this was and that doing this and other reading, but when I sit to write I can't recall where my thoughts went or seldom even what landmarks it passed. The main landmark is my for-as-long-as-I-can-remember ravenous soul hunger. I suppress myself to suppress it. And I certainly seek to find some hope of seeing a recognition of and response to it, most prominently with shrinks and other such. And I recall Peter telling Jesus after overhearing his instructions to the rich young man "Haven't we given up everything?" and today I hear in that question my same hunger. My hunger to be recognized as an earnest invalid instead of a moral degenerate. Interesting that Big Book and sunday school both brought up jailhouse conversion, and doubts of the sincerity of the same. I need to get beyond the need to explain myself, and do real step five -- to go though all the stupid palliatives which at other's expense have produced no benefit. Steal art glass to recycle at soda bottle rates. Isn't that how theft usually operates?
Planning for the next day keeps getting harder. I've got plenty of leftovers -- soup and spaghetti still and now pork and taters. I think spaghetti for breakfast. I made some cranberry relish today -- just stewed in some OJ and added julienne of two pears and a bit of jalapeno. I'll try some of that on some leftover pork for one snack. I'll need to cook again for Donna, which means meal at about 4:30... So just one snack really -- like today. About 1 PM. Dinner....?? I think maybe Swiss steak. I'll take out some frozen sirloin now to thaw. Eric will come over that night and we'll prep the turkey and start it in the smoker. I think that will be an opportunity to share some of the seven-layer dip that Donna bought yesterday.
Recovery-wise, it's been something of a navel gazing day. I'm reading in the AA big book the chapters on How it Works and Into Action... or some such headings... the steps -- Step 4 and following. It's funny how my mind goes this was and that doing this and other reading, but when I sit to write I can't recall where my thoughts went or seldom even what landmarks it passed. The main landmark is my for-as-long-as-I-can-remember ravenous soul hunger. I suppress myself to suppress it. And I certainly seek to find some hope of seeing a recognition of and response to it, most prominently with shrinks and other such. And I recall Peter telling Jesus after overhearing his instructions to the rich young man "Haven't we given up everything?" and today I hear in that question my same hunger. My hunger to be recognized as an earnest invalid instead of a moral degenerate. Interesting that Big Book and sunday school both brought up jailhouse conversion, and doubts of the sincerity of the same. I need to get beyond the need to explain myself, and do real step five -- to go though all the stupid palliatives which at other's expense have produced no benefit. Steal art glass to recycle at soda bottle rates. Isn't that how theft usually operates?
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Still hungry
I'm wanting more food, but feeling a little soul hunger too. Not that I haven't been gratified by all the people I've dealt with today, but I've dealt with quite a few more than is my custom. Two churches and an OA meeting. A kind of an accidental agenda when, after a conversation with my pastor that included thoughts on ecumenism I learn of an ecumenical Thanksgiving service my church isn't participating in, maybe not aware of. Way above my pay grade, as someone who is back in church pretty much only because being fat will kill me if I continue being fat. But I made the suggestion that folks picking up from the food pantry be made aware of that service as well as our own.
I've a few long-standing poetic tropes that guide my political thought. One is the ship of state, with rudder, sails, and keel. That metaphor extends to one's confession, in the Epistle of James sense, and the distinction I make between guiding confession and propulsive belief. Anyhow, it's been there for several false starts of poetry affirming the political middle -- exemplified in professional bureaucrats (permanent undersecretaries among the British, e.g.), judiciary (ideally), and the Senate (in its tea saucer capacity). The other trope I dwell on is side door vs back door. The client entrance vs the employee entrance, for those not entering the front door. Little validation is found in being a client. Much in being a worker. I quit being a Republican for various reasons, many related to the 2000 recount. But I can't bring myself to be a Democrat, and that side door is the main reason. That side door is very important. Unfortunately, I keep knocking on that side door, an Step 6 issue with me. But there is a front door and a back door, I believe for each of us. And in the context of Christianity, I'm still moved by a sermon heard 20+ years ago from a Presbyterian Synod president, which took the theological term 'justification' away from it's Calvinistic forensic context to a more Tillichian 'ultimate concern' context, or a Maslowian needs context. I believe and confess that the third (perhaps second) tier of Maslow's pyramid is validation. I believe that in most instances the meaning of 'justification' is best understood in the Bible by substituting 'validation.' And I believe and pray and aspire to all whom I greet at the side door, that I might facilitate their welcome at somebody's back or front door, if not my own, any which are open in love. Again many false starts making a poem of all that.
Back to my hunger -- I often hunger to go back and do things differently than I've done. Today as usual, I talked too much in different contexts -- and today had a whole lot more contexts than is my custom. I wonder if I'm justified in singing badly with enthusiasm. I do know for a fact that when I seek to instruct others, I'm on shaky ground. Witness that last paragraph. And I know that leading an OA meeting, as I did today, and even just participating, I'm moved too often to speak, and too much of that is cross talk (responding to what others have said). Another attribute to lay on the Step 6 altar. I was impressed by how I spoke fairly easily of God in this meeting, while I've been struggling until now to get to steps 2 and 3. I think I've gotten back to the God I know -- the God incarnate in a corrupt but living and thriving Body of Christ -- faith communities assembled for worship and discipleship. I can do theology alone -- badly I expect, but well enough if that theology points me away from alone, even though my nature draws me into alone.
That all said, I can speak of food now. Of scrambled (two) eggs this morning with some steamed broccoli and cauliflower and mexican cheese blend. This was suggested by my OA mentor this morning as an alternative to the after sunday school snack spread at the church I've decided to attend 2x/mo. IT was all sweets there, and plenty of them. I had a half of a half of a bagel thin, without the choice of 3 flavored cream cheeses to spread on it. My mentor wants me to avoid sugar and sweet snacks and breakfast made that possible. I ruined the soup -- and such delicious stock it was -- trying to get toward goulash. I think I misused turmeric again. Maybe too much paprika or too much shelf time for the paprika or the yellow onions (4 med chopped and sweat/caramelized) introduced a bitter bite. Also in the soup was diced turnip (quarter inch cubes) and kale and beef cubes. I tried to stir in some butternut puree from the bottom part of the one I used the neck of recently. Still a metallic undertaste -- rather nasty. I had 3 bowls anyhow -- at 1PM, 4 PM and 7PM. Donna had gone to the store to get something -- she couldn't stomach the awful soup. I ended up eating a roasted thigh quarter with some Naan bread I bought today (along with MTR Veggie curry and some rice dishes). That was about 9 and it left me wanting more. Bad soup, I could do just the bowl. Good soup, I've been know to eat 6-8 bowls the day I make it. I had enough left to fill a quart (or so --- not sure of exact measure) casserole for another day.
Tomorrow, I can do a rice dish for breakfast. One has beans, the other not. I know that my mentor will insist on protein early -- with each meal in fact, and the beanless one is best a side, and the beanny one best a meal, So, that's a light breakfast. I should do the antique mall tomorrow, but not sure other obligations will permit that. Either way, it's time to pack a frozen smoothie. I think cold cuts are available for a sandwich. Dinner I'll leave to Donna. I can do a late snack with steamed cruciferous or sweet potato, depending on what best compliments what Donna does for dinner. BTW, the bike is still on the car rack and if I go to Gordonsville, I can find a nice ride thereabouts. There's a ride I've been wanting to do around the Klockner factory -- a side road that seems from a map to lead to interesting places.
I've a few long-standing poetic tropes that guide my political thought. One is the ship of state, with rudder, sails, and keel. That metaphor extends to one's confession, in the Epistle of James sense, and the distinction I make between guiding confession and propulsive belief. Anyhow, it's been there for several false starts of poetry affirming the political middle -- exemplified in professional bureaucrats (permanent undersecretaries among the British, e.g.), judiciary (ideally), and the Senate (in its tea saucer capacity). The other trope I dwell on is side door vs back door. The client entrance vs the employee entrance, for those not entering the front door. Little validation is found in being a client. Much in being a worker. I quit being a Republican for various reasons, many related to the 2000 recount. But I can't bring myself to be a Democrat, and that side door is the main reason. That side door is very important. Unfortunately, I keep knocking on that side door, an Step 6 issue with me. But there is a front door and a back door, I believe for each of us. And in the context of Christianity, I'm still moved by a sermon heard 20+ years ago from a Presbyterian Synod president, which took the theological term 'justification' away from it's Calvinistic forensic context to a more Tillichian 'ultimate concern' context, or a Maslowian needs context. I believe and confess that the third (perhaps second) tier of Maslow's pyramid is validation. I believe that in most instances the meaning of 'justification' is best understood in the Bible by substituting 'validation.' And I believe and pray and aspire to all whom I greet at the side door, that I might facilitate their welcome at somebody's back or front door, if not my own, any which are open in love. Again many false starts making a poem of all that.
Back to my hunger -- I often hunger to go back and do things differently than I've done. Today as usual, I talked too much in different contexts -- and today had a whole lot more contexts than is my custom. I wonder if I'm justified in singing badly with enthusiasm. I do know for a fact that when I seek to instruct others, I'm on shaky ground. Witness that last paragraph. And I know that leading an OA meeting, as I did today, and even just participating, I'm moved too often to speak, and too much of that is cross talk (responding to what others have said). Another attribute to lay on the Step 6 altar. I was impressed by how I spoke fairly easily of God in this meeting, while I've been struggling until now to get to steps 2 and 3. I think I've gotten back to the God I know -- the God incarnate in a corrupt but living and thriving Body of Christ -- faith communities assembled for worship and discipleship. I can do theology alone -- badly I expect, but well enough if that theology points me away from alone, even though my nature draws me into alone.
That all said, I can speak of food now. Of scrambled (two) eggs this morning with some steamed broccoli and cauliflower and mexican cheese blend. This was suggested by my OA mentor this morning as an alternative to the after sunday school snack spread at the church I've decided to attend 2x/mo. IT was all sweets there, and plenty of them. I had a half of a half of a bagel thin, without the choice of 3 flavored cream cheeses to spread on it. My mentor wants me to avoid sugar and sweet snacks and breakfast made that possible. I ruined the soup -- and such delicious stock it was -- trying to get toward goulash. I think I misused turmeric again. Maybe too much paprika or too much shelf time for the paprika or the yellow onions (4 med chopped and sweat/caramelized) introduced a bitter bite. Also in the soup was diced turnip (quarter inch cubes) and kale and beef cubes. I tried to stir in some butternut puree from the bottom part of the one I used the neck of recently. Still a metallic undertaste -- rather nasty. I had 3 bowls anyhow -- at 1PM, 4 PM and 7PM. Donna had gone to the store to get something -- she couldn't stomach the awful soup. I ended up eating a roasted thigh quarter with some Naan bread I bought today (along with MTR Veggie curry and some rice dishes). That was about 9 and it left me wanting more. Bad soup, I could do just the bowl. Good soup, I've been know to eat 6-8 bowls the day I make it. I had enough left to fill a quart (or so --- not sure of exact measure) casserole for another day.
Tomorrow, I can do a rice dish for breakfast. One has beans, the other not. I know that my mentor will insist on protein early -- with each meal in fact, and the beanless one is best a side, and the beanny one best a meal, So, that's a light breakfast. I should do the antique mall tomorrow, but not sure other obligations will permit that. Either way, it's time to pack a frozen smoothie. I think cold cuts are available for a sandwich. Dinner I'll leave to Donna. I can do a late snack with steamed cruciferous or sweet potato, depending on what best compliments what Donna does for dinner. BTW, the bike is still on the car rack and if I go to Gordonsville, I can find a nice ride thereabouts. There's a ride I've been wanting to do around the Klockner factory -- a side road that seems from a map to lead to interesting places.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
culinary and dietary missteps
Today didn't exactly go according to plan. I've not really eaten dinner yet. Last I ate was a pound of soup beans from an IGA grocery in Palmyra. Now some cabbage is cooking. Perhaps I could have just gone to sleep without, but I said I'd do this and I'm doing it.
Yesterday did go according to plan, pretty much. I had a big breakfast -- a cup (8 oz dry measure) of mixed whole grains, cooked with several cups of chopped veggies, mostly mirepoix and broccoli stem. Then I poached about 2-3 oz of salmon on top. I ate it all -- about 3-4 standard bowls. I thought of putting some aside, and will have to start doing so sometime. I can eat this quite often, but I need to buy the bulk grains again. I depleted my supply. Steel cut oats, millet, kasha buckwheat, coarse bulgar, hulled barley, and brown rice. I've added rolled rye in the past -- not lately. This has been go-to breakfast for 4 years or so now.
All day at the antique mall, working on my booth, I went out at 11 for a BMT footlong from Subway. Cut into 4 sections, I ate one then, one about 2:30 and gave the other half to Donna to take to work. Then I started cooking her dinner of Philly sandwich -- thin sliced beef with onions, A bit was left which I added to my beans... a different brand of Indian foil-packed, let me find it.... Ashoka Dal Makhani... didn't find a good link for this with all the info... suffice that it was quite different from MTR Dal Makhani -- less beans and more sauce and quite buttery, quite a few fat grams and calories. Good that I'd planned on noodles with it... whole grain egg noodles in this case. I reserved half that and ate for breakfast this morning, with about 3 tbsp of sour cream and large zucchini diced coarsely and steamed. Anyhow -- late last night I mixed up a smoothie with butternut (forgot to say that dinner included butternut medallions marinade in pepper-flavor olive oil, molasses, nutmeg, and allspice -- four pieces, about 3/4" thick and 3" around, maybe a pound). Anyhow -- in prepping them for the grill, I shaved flat on a mandolin and steamed the shaving for the smoothie. To that was added a pear, some cranberries, some frozen collard stems, and some frozen pineapple wedges. Also plain Lifeway kefir. The flavored stuff is too sweet. I had a 12 oz cup and saved another 16 oz or so for a portable snack.
Today, I've already mentioned breakfast (leftover noodles) and a deli container of beans from the hot table of the IGA. I finally got my bike rack on my car -- a spare tire mount that wasn't supposed to fit my model, but I made it fit. I can't open the back door with it installed, though. Didn't realize it's not really meant to be an installation -- needs to go on and off -- easy enough to do except climbing low to get a purchase for hooks to secure straps. I took the bike to less hilly terrain and rode from Boyd Tavern to Keswick to Shadwell and back. The Shadwell to Boyd leg was along US 250, not very pleasant. I had packed water and had some on route, about 800 ml total, but I forgot to transfer my snacks from car to bike. Ate right away upon return to car. It was an energy bar that I found quite suitable. If the brand would carry flavors not based on candy flavors, I'd be inclined to look no further and buy only this. I've yet to find a good fruit flavor bar and am still looking.
I had planned on the bike ride to stop at a convenience store or rural grocery and get a bean burrito. Didn't pass any such store, but probably one in Keswick I could have grabbed one, especially on discovering I failed to pack the sports bar. So, not long after my post-ride snack, I took an unfamiliar road that I hoped would come out near Monticello, but instead of SW, took me East. I went to Palmyra to get over to Rt 53, and stopped at an IGA I know. That's where I got the beans, with some stuff to bring home, a can of mustard greens, some fat free gravies, and some sardines all on sale. Also some beef and chicken broth in cans. 60 cents each.
At home I had left some stock steeping in the slow cooker -- roasted vegetable scraps and some lean beef. Donna had woken to think it soup and had some. I had to giggle. Tomorrow it will be soup. I was going to make some tonight, but decided to let the stock settle in the fridge overnight. So tomorrow, I've not well planned. I'm going to Sunday School at Chestnut Ridge, and will snack after. I may fast until that snack. Coming home for lunch, I'll need to have started my soup in the morning. I haven't really thought much past the stock, which seems pretty tasty, but measures only 2 cups. Borscht would be cool, but no beets. Maybe I'll do goulash. Tons and tons of onions. That's the ticket. I've a bit of beef reserved. The solids I pulled out earlier, I pretty much ate what was edible, carrots mostly. Cabbage core, Fennel base, little beef bits. I'll stew the roasted beef in 1/2 in cubes (only 5-6 oz left) and caramalize the onions. Anyhow -- that should do for lunch. Then OA sunday meeting and 5PM service at Buck Mountain. I'll let Donna do dinner. If I need something late at night, I'll steam some sweet potato and eat with guacomole.
Cabbage nearly done. I put some Salmon on top to poach, about 3 oz. Cabbage made with julienne-cut carrot and broccoli stalk and some seaweed. It was smelling pretty fishy before I added the salmon. Seasoned with some garlic/ginger asian spice mix. I'll go eat that now. Yum.
Yesterday did go according to plan, pretty much. I had a big breakfast -- a cup (8 oz dry measure) of mixed whole grains, cooked with several cups of chopped veggies, mostly mirepoix and broccoli stem. Then I poached about 2-3 oz of salmon on top. I ate it all -- about 3-4 standard bowls. I thought of putting some aside, and will have to start doing so sometime. I can eat this quite often, but I need to buy the bulk grains again. I depleted my supply. Steel cut oats, millet, kasha buckwheat, coarse bulgar, hulled barley, and brown rice. I've added rolled rye in the past -- not lately. This has been go-to breakfast for 4 years or so now.
All day at the antique mall, working on my booth, I went out at 11 for a BMT footlong from Subway. Cut into 4 sections, I ate one then, one about 2:30 and gave the other half to Donna to take to work. Then I started cooking her dinner of Philly sandwich -- thin sliced beef with onions, A bit was left which I added to my beans... a different brand of Indian foil-packed, let me find it.... Ashoka Dal Makhani... didn't find a good link for this with all the info... suffice that it was quite different from MTR Dal Makhani -- less beans and more sauce and quite buttery, quite a few fat grams and calories. Good that I'd planned on noodles with it... whole grain egg noodles in this case. I reserved half that and ate for breakfast this morning, with about 3 tbsp of sour cream and large zucchini diced coarsely and steamed. Anyhow -- late last night I mixed up a smoothie with butternut (forgot to say that dinner included butternut medallions marinade in pepper-flavor olive oil, molasses, nutmeg, and allspice -- four pieces, about 3/4" thick and 3" around, maybe a pound). Anyhow -- in prepping them for the grill, I shaved flat on a mandolin and steamed the shaving for the smoothie. To that was added a pear, some cranberries, some frozen collard stems, and some frozen pineapple wedges. Also plain Lifeway kefir. The flavored stuff is too sweet. I had a 12 oz cup and saved another 16 oz or so for a portable snack.
Today, I've already mentioned breakfast (leftover noodles) and a deli container of beans from the hot table of the IGA. I finally got my bike rack on my car -- a spare tire mount that wasn't supposed to fit my model, but I made it fit. I can't open the back door with it installed, though. Didn't realize it's not really meant to be an installation -- needs to go on and off -- easy enough to do except climbing low to get a purchase for hooks to secure straps. I took the bike to less hilly terrain and rode from Boyd Tavern to Keswick to Shadwell and back. The Shadwell to Boyd leg was along US 250, not very pleasant. I had packed water and had some on route, about 800 ml total, but I forgot to transfer my snacks from car to bike. Ate right away upon return to car. It was an energy bar that I found quite suitable. If the brand would carry flavors not based on candy flavors, I'd be inclined to look no further and buy only this. I've yet to find a good fruit flavor bar and am still looking.
I had planned on the bike ride to stop at a convenience store or rural grocery and get a bean burrito. Didn't pass any such store, but probably one in Keswick I could have grabbed one, especially on discovering I failed to pack the sports bar. So, not long after my post-ride snack, I took an unfamiliar road that I hoped would come out near Monticello, but instead of SW, took me East. I went to Palmyra to get over to Rt 53, and stopped at an IGA I know. That's where I got the beans, with some stuff to bring home, a can of mustard greens, some fat free gravies, and some sardines all on sale. Also some beef and chicken broth in cans. 60 cents each.
At home I had left some stock steeping in the slow cooker -- roasted vegetable scraps and some lean beef. Donna had woken to think it soup and had some. I had to giggle. Tomorrow it will be soup. I was going to make some tonight, but decided to let the stock settle in the fridge overnight. So tomorrow, I've not well planned. I'm going to Sunday School at Chestnut Ridge, and will snack after. I may fast until that snack. Coming home for lunch, I'll need to have started my soup in the morning. I haven't really thought much past the stock, which seems pretty tasty, but measures only 2 cups. Borscht would be cool, but no beets. Maybe I'll do goulash. Tons and tons of onions. That's the ticket. I've a bit of beef reserved. The solids I pulled out earlier, I pretty much ate what was edible, carrots mostly. Cabbage core, Fennel base, little beef bits. I'll stew the roasted beef in 1/2 in cubes (only 5-6 oz left) and caramalize the onions. Anyhow -- that should do for lunch. Then OA sunday meeting and 5PM service at Buck Mountain. I'll let Donna do dinner. If I need something late at night, I'll steam some sweet potato and eat with guacomole.
Cabbage nearly done. I put some Salmon on top to poach, about 3 oz. Cabbage made with julienne-cut carrot and broccoli stalk and some seaweed. It was smelling pretty fishy before I added the salmon. Seasoned with some garlic/ginger asian spice mix. I'll go eat that now. Yum.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Seaweed salad, first attempt.
Back to starting the day with a plan, and doing the day according to plan. Kinda. I was dragging my feet with respect to getting to work. Reading on the porch instead. Kinda chilly out there, but it's where I'm most comfortable reading. I did the broccoli at about 7, ice cream about 11, went to work about 2, got the mail out and did some extra biking, maybe 5 mile total instead of 2. Had juice and sandwich in an empty room in my building about 5. Did some shelving and listing of books for a couple hours. Came home and made the seaweed salad. It was left to marinate all day in vinegar and spices, but I doubt that did much. Shaved some onion and pepper and ginger and cooked a hunk of black rice noodles (tangent alert). I went pretty much high fiber years ago. Has it outlived its purpose, I was wondering as I browsed the noodle choices. I wanted something to suppress my appetite and give me a full feeling. Is brown bread that much better than white bread, for that purpose? Even if not, other purposed support black rice instead of plain rice noodles, and all the other fiber choices I make. It generally just tastes better. Anyhow -- that was OK. It filled a large bowl -- dressed with sesame oil, soy sauce, and balsamic vinegar. Quite chewy -- couldn't gum this -- wore my dentures. Not like the buffet, but not bad. I'll do it again, but next time with the dry seaweed. What's left of the wet I'll next try roasted, Just curious. I'll add some too next time I do cabbage. And the fish -- it wasn't scaled, so I skinned it. The skin will go to stock with the bones and scraps. I don't weigh my food, but estimate I did get about 4-5 oz from the thick part of one side of the steak. The thin parts and other thick part were reserved. I think I'll do a huge breakfast tomorrow with broccoli pilaf with some of the reserved salmon. The piece I just ate was cooked in cedar paper -- no oil, just a sprinkle of seafood seasoning, one of those mixes you find on a spice rack. Nicely done -- a little char at the edges, which stuck to the paper, but well worth scraping off, and flaky flesh. Just ate as is -- no dressing, no nothing, just fish flakes eaten with fingers.
Now I planned on grilled cheese with shaved fennel. Gonna do that now, about quarter to ten. As for plan -- pilaf breakfast, subway $5 footlong for two snacks, 3 inches at a time. The half that remains I can do for breakfast on Saturday. I'll get the oat bread, as usual. Not sure what sandwich I'll get. Likely whatever the monthly special is -- maybe tuna melt if I pick from the regular menu. I favor banana peppers among the toppings. Always provolone cheese when given a choice. Dinner.... pondering the fridge. I've had butternut squash just sitting around. I could George Foreman grill some slices and eat that with a packet of Indian dal that I bought yesterday. No meat needed, but maybe some pasta. About 1/3 package of whole wheat egg noodles. Late snack? I'll make a smoothie with kefir and apple and cranberry and some more of the butternut.
My reading has been from a book lent me by someone at church -- about an active lay woman in an urban California church. Hard to put my reactions to early reading into words. Just enough said perhaps that artsy people with spiritual sensitivity is a group to which I feel I've little to give, but wish I did. I feel so left out. But, heck, is there any group I feel drawn in? Most groups though, I'm quite content to be left out. This is a group where I lose that contentment. As for the drawn in remark -- I'm actually feeling a bit of that. It's not exactly an unfamiliar feeling, but rather uncommon and a bit unsettling, though gratifying. I'm not yet confident, and confidence is indeed rather unfamiliar and wholly unreliable. Now its past 10 -- best get moving on the grilled cheese.
Now I planned on grilled cheese with shaved fennel. Gonna do that now, about quarter to ten. As for plan -- pilaf breakfast, subway $5 footlong for two snacks, 3 inches at a time. The half that remains I can do for breakfast on Saturday. I'll get the oat bread, as usual. Not sure what sandwich I'll get. Likely whatever the monthly special is -- maybe tuna melt if I pick from the regular menu. I favor banana peppers among the toppings. Always provolone cheese when given a choice. Dinner.... pondering the fridge. I've had butternut squash just sitting around. I could George Foreman grill some slices and eat that with a packet of Indian dal that I bought yesterday. No meat needed, but maybe some pasta. About 1/3 package of whole wheat egg noodles. Late snack? I'll make a smoothie with kefir and apple and cranberry and some more of the butternut.
My reading has been from a book lent me by someone at church -- about an active lay woman in an urban California church. Hard to put my reactions to early reading into words. Just enough said perhaps that artsy people with spiritual sensitivity is a group to which I feel I've little to give, but wish I did. I feel so left out. But, heck, is there any group I feel drawn in? Most groups though, I'm quite content to be left out. This is a group where I lose that contentment. As for the drawn in remark -- I'm actually feeling a bit of that. It's not exactly an unfamiliar feeling, but rather uncommon and a bit unsettling, though gratifying. I'm not yet confident, and confidence is indeed rather unfamiliar and wholly unreliable. Now its past 10 -- best get moving on the grilled cheese.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Navel lint smells like cheese
I went to Weds meeting today. It was just me and proto-sponsor --- 'mentor' a word for the role I saw in a Lifeline magazine. So we talked at some length about identifying binge foods and following a meal plan. We agreed I'll call close to 8 tomorrow to do that. So I'm thinking on the fly, kind of, what I'll eat tomorrow. For today, I ate leftovers pretty much. Breakfast was turkey ragout left over from the weekend. Lunch was Zatarain's jambalaya with some added trinity and the half can of mackerel I reserved from last week. I ate it all, about 2 and a half bowls. Nutrition info said the rice was 6 servings of 130 cal each. I'm not sure about the fish. I don't count the trinity, but should count the oil, about 2 tbsp. So I guess it all adds up to about 1200 cal. No good way of counting breakfast. It was only a bowl full, and mostly veggies. Dinner was a salad made by Donna, and a grilled Kansas City Steak bacon wrapped filet. I steamed some asparagus -- the heads were about to go soft --- should have eaten them a few days ago, and the steak choice was "What would go with the asparagus?" decision. I had cut off the bottom 1/3 and reserved for stock. I used a bit more -- I think in the ragout -- but can't recall exactly -- so about 1/2 pound left. maybe 3/4. Stinky pee!! No sauce -- just eaten right from the steamer. I enjoy. It was on sale. I don't pay $4 a pound for much of anything but will pay $2 for asparagus. I ate around 8, with an ice cream novelty for dessert, so no snack tonight. I prob should just fast till morning. I allow myself a swig of kefir and a swig of Silk. Today, I have some pumpkin eggnog bought at discount. I remember I had planned to eat kraut as evening snack. Live culture kraut. Lacking any at home right now, I have my kefir -- so no fast, but no solids.
Anyhow -- I go shopping all the time. Yesterday I bought a gift for Tom and ended up with him at Bonefish with the happy hour appetizers and a glass of wine. I has earlier gotten some produce at Kroger (and the eggnog) with a cabbage and broccoli and onions and whole wheat hoagie rolls. Also some V-8 fusion juice packs. So, tomorrow, I'm eating for breakfast steamed heads of an older broccoli, maybe in peanut sauce in whole wheat wraps. I made a ham sandwich (deli slices Donna got a Food Lion) on one of the rolls and packed a juice for tomorrow at work. Today's shopping brought me seaweed, both dried and fresh, from an oriental market, and some Indian meals of a different brand. I also got a salmon steak, about a pound of it. I think I'll filet each side for two meals and make stock of the scraps. So about a 5 oz salmon and a first attempt at seaweed salad. I've not consulted a recipe book yet I'm CRAVING the seaweed salad served at the local chinese buffet. I don't recognize this as a binge craving. I just love the stuff and hope can replicate at home. I may dress the filets tonight. I got black rice noodles of the same brand as the sorghum noodles I've been eating. I may as well use a bundle of those. My vague intent has been to use some kind of fish oil in dressing the seaweed, but I've not found any culinary, and may seek medicinal (cod liver?). Which reminds me I forgot about vinegar. I've different kinds at home, including unfiltered cider I'll swig from time to time when I'm frittish in the kitchen. I'll prob dress in sesame oil and balsamic. I need to get some wine vinegars. So that's breakfast, a single snack, and dinner. My thought is a late snack of pumpkin ice cream. I may make a day snack of that and a late snack of....
I'm thinking what crave foods do qualify as binge foods. Ice cream is on the list, but I can handle just a scoop instead of the heaping full bowl. It's a binge food in that I can eat 2000 calories at a sitting and many a time I have. Pastries are that way. Certain candies. But what of cheese? There's some sliced cheese in the fridge I'm thinking as a decent late snack -- maybe with the broccoli stems. Broccoli casserole is an ambitious snack and kind of redundant with breakfast .... so I'm pondering a sandwich with shaved fennel on a grilled cheese. I tend not to dress sandwiches -- zucchini slices are a standby. I could but won't tomorrow. The fennel sounds like a winner. So...
9AM.....broccoli wraps with peanut sauce.
1 PM Sandwich and juice
5 PM ice cream scoop.
6:30 PM Salmon, seaweed and rice noodle salad
9 PM Grilled fennel and cheese.
Spoke to pastor today. I managed to not be creepy. I think positive things are developing. Helped with community outreach and attended book club too. Emotions and impulsiveness pretty much in check. Actually, feedback from church has been pretty positive the past week, and I think unsolicited and unprompted -- spontaneous and timely. It helps my misgivings and strengthens the attachments I feel. Reading AA big book I've realized my recent introspections are not necessarily what the program desires. I keep forgetting my need to look outside myself -- but -- hard to express here -- I need to remain aware of what's inside myself -- find the balance between navel gazing and distraction into oblivion. A half dozen things today pulling me out of navel gazing mode. I'm good with that. Grateful for that, I guess.
Anyhow -- I go shopping all the time. Yesterday I bought a gift for Tom and ended up with him at Bonefish with the happy hour appetizers and a glass of wine. I has earlier gotten some produce at Kroger (and the eggnog) with a cabbage and broccoli and onions and whole wheat hoagie rolls. Also some V-8 fusion juice packs. So, tomorrow, I'm eating for breakfast steamed heads of an older broccoli, maybe in peanut sauce in whole wheat wraps. I made a ham sandwich (deli slices Donna got a Food Lion) on one of the rolls and packed a juice for tomorrow at work. Today's shopping brought me seaweed, both dried and fresh, from an oriental market, and some Indian meals of a different brand. I also got a salmon steak, about a pound of it. I think I'll filet each side for two meals and make stock of the scraps. So about a 5 oz salmon and a first attempt at seaweed salad. I've not consulted a recipe book yet I'm CRAVING the seaweed salad served at the local chinese buffet. I don't recognize this as a binge craving. I just love the stuff and hope can replicate at home. I may dress the filets tonight. I got black rice noodles of the same brand as the sorghum noodles I've been eating. I may as well use a bundle of those. My vague intent has been to use some kind of fish oil in dressing the seaweed, but I've not found any culinary, and may seek medicinal (cod liver?). Which reminds me I forgot about vinegar. I've different kinds at home, including unfiltered cider I'll swig from time to time when I'm frittish in the kitchen. I'll prob dress in sesame oil and balsamic. I need to get some wine vinegars. So that's breakfast, a single snack, and dinner. My thought is a late snack of pumpkin ice cream. I may make a day snack of that and a late snack of....
I'm thinking what crave foods do qualify as binge foods. Ice cream is on the list, but I can handle just a scoop instead of the heaping full bowl. It's a binge food in that I can eat 2000 calories at a sitting and many a time I have. Pastries are that way. Certain candies. But what of cheese? There's some sliced cheese in the fridge I'm thinking as a decent late snack -- maybe with the broccoli stems. Broccoli casserole is an ambitious snack and kind of redundant with breakfast .... so I'm pondering a sandwich with shaved fennel on a grilled cheese. I tend not to dress sandwiches -- zucchini slices are a standby. I could but won't tomorrow. The fennel sounds like a winner. So...
9AM.....broccoli wraps with peanut sauce.
1 PM Sandwich and juice
5 PM ice cream scoop.
6:30 PM Salmon, seaweed and rice noodle salad
9 PM Grilled fennel and cheese.
Spoke to pastor today. I managed to not be creepy. I think positive things are developing. Helped with community outreach and attended book club too. Emotions and impulsiveness pretty much in check. Actually, feedback from church has been pretty positive the past week, and I think unsolicited and unprompted -- spontaneous and timely. It helps my misgivings and strengthens the attachments I feel. Reading AA big book I've realized my recent introspections are not necessarily what the program desires. I keep forgetting my need to look outside myself -- but -- hard to express here -- I need to remain aware of what's inside myself -- find the balance between navel gazing and distraction into oblivion. A half dozen things today pulling me out of navel gazing mode. I'm good with that. Grateful for that, I guess.
Friday, November 9, 2012
Finally according to plan
I pretty much followed through with the plan put up last night. Cabbage for breakfast -- meatless, with an assortment of other veggies -- two bowls full -- regular size bowl. Simple sandwich packed -- just some cold cut turkey on whole grain wheat. Funny thing -- sugar was right up there on the ingredient list. Third, I think -- I forget what was second. But 4g sugars per serving. Did most get fermented away? Also a frozen smoothie made a couple weeks ago -- mostly from cantalope. It was my late snack -- took that long to melt. I ate both outdoors. I'm not bringing food into the workplace -- kept it in my car until ready to eat. Nice, I guess, to have structured breaks, too. I spent more time at work than in a long time, but didn't get a whole lot done. I get a whole lot less done when I let the slow pace of everything deter me from doing anything at all.
Home I mixed an egg in half a can of mackerel, added some bread crumbs and hummus and used that as a binder for jullienned sweet potato, carrot, and broccoli stem. Not much seasoning -- I figured the ingredients would carry plenty. Made 3 large patties cooked dry -- for quite a while too. Kinda crusty on either side, but a decent texture inside. Not too fishy. I ate with some guacamole. Finished about 8:30. Maybe no snack tonight. I called my proto-sponsor and mentioned ground turkey as a snack. I guess I'm committed to that. That or nothing. Maybe some fluids instead -- some silk fruit drink and plain kefir. We'll see.
I did the post office bike ride. Filled the tires first. It does make one helluva difference.
Now to ponder tomorrow. I've a vague desire to get to the RTF trail day. But I never feel much like doing anything at all in the morning, especially that time of the morning. I think leftover Gen Tso for a quick breakfast. Not sure what could carry with me. I'd like to eat out if I'm going out, but not sure when this whole thing breaks up. I'll just take a sport bar I've kept around for such an occasion. Buffets are where I eat, usually. Cici's is out -- perhaps forever and ever. One of four indian options are my preference. Chinese has been disappointing, as far as filling my plate with veggies. American buffets, of which I only know Wood Grill -- most have shut down, are great for a healthy plate, as well as a pig out plate. If I have a buffet weakness, it would be smoked sausage. That might be a binge food thing in OA, like CiCis. I'm sure I can pass it up, with incredible regret, though. Potatoes are another tasty option I need to refuse -- I love french fries with brown gravy, or home fries and sausage gravy. Lately, I get the baked sweet and turn down the butter, brown sugar, and such. We'll see -- I'll probably go indian, anyhow. Late meal -- That will be the ground turkey -- some kind of ragout served over spaghetti squash.
I read the chapter in AA big book after Bill's Story. I forget what it's called, but talks mostly about the hopelessness of alcoholism absent God's intervention. I have to attribute spiritual transformation entirely to God's action. I was pondering today that His apparent inaction, though, is no excuse for mine. I remember a joke of a man refusing rescue three times, saying 'God will save me' -- he finally dies and asked God why he didn't save him. God responds -- I sent a bus and a cop and a boat, what more would you have me do?
Home I mixed an egg in half a can of mackerel, added some bread crumbs and hummus and used that as a binder for jullienned sweet potato, carrot, and broccoli stem. Not much seasoning -- I figured the ingredients would carry plenty. Made 3 large patties cooked dry -- for quite a while too. Kinda crusty on either side, but a decent texture inside. Not too fishy. I ate with some guacamole. Finished about 8:30. Maybe no snack tonight. I called my proto-sponsor and mentioned ground turkey as a snack. I guess I'm committed to that. That or nothing. Maybe some fluids instead -- some silk fruit drink and plain kefir. We'll see.
I did the post office bike ride. Filled the tires first. It does make one helluva difference.
Now to ponder tomorrow. I've a vague desire to get to the RTF trail day. But I never feel much like doing anything at all in the morning, especially that time of the morning. I think leftover Gen Tso for a quick breakfast. Not sure what could carry with me. I'd like to eat out if I'm going out, but not sure when this whole thing breaks up. I'll just take a sport bar I've kept around for such an occasion. Buffets are where I eat, usually. Cici's is out -- perhaps forever and ever. One of four indian options are my preference. Chinese has been disappointing, as far as filling my plate with veggies. American buffets, of which I only know Wood Grill -- most have shut down, are great for a healthy plate, as well as a pig out plate. If I have a buffet weakness, it would be smoked sausage. That might be a binge food thing in OA, like CiCis. I'm sure I can pass it up, with incredible regret, though. Potatoes are another tasty option I need to refuse -- I love french fries with brown gravy, or home fries and sausage gravy. Lately, I get the baked sweet and turn down the butter, brown sugar, and such. We'll see -- I'll probably go indian, anyhow. Late meal -- That will be the ground turkey -- some kind of ragout served over spaghetti squash.
I read the chapter in AA big book after Bill's Story. I forget what it's called, but talks mostly about the hopelessness of alcoholism absent God's intervention. I have to attribute spiritual transformation entirely to God's action. I was pondering today that His apparent inaction, though, is no excuse for mine. I remember a joke of a man refusing rescue three times, saying 'God will save me' -- he finally dies and asked God why he didn't save him. God responds -- I sent a bus and a cop and a boat, what more would you have me do?
Thursday, November 8, 2012
368 pounds, a new high
I waited at the Sunday meeting site, and nobody showed up. All those feelings of people not showing up because I am showing up. I can't shake it. Weds meeting someone volunteered to be something of a sponsor. In this case, it involves a commitment the beginning of each day to some kind of meal plan. This is new for me. And I've not done it. I'm not there yet. I'm not sure how to get there. Just do it, perhaps. What will I eat tomorrow? Eat for myself and cook for Donna? I've got left over collards and Gen Tso from today. The Tso was an interesting project. It came from the pineapple I cut up the other day, sitting in the freezer. I was grabbing some meat -- Donna bought some cheap steaks and ground beef at Sams, but I saw the pineapple and found some chicken breasts -- made a sauce with some rotten peaches and fresh cranberries, molasses, ketchup, soy sauce, vinegar, and diced pineapple and peppers. Ginger and hot sauce too. Fried chicken medallions with batter and bread crumbs (turmeric in the batter -- good salt substitute, it seems to be turning out. Not sure yet how to use the saltiness it gives). Also some steamed broccoli. Now this is something I don't dream up at the start of the day, or the night before. Anyhow -- what would I plan for tomorrow?
Slaw would be cool. I've never figured out a decent dressing for slaw. I use store bought, which is crap --- full of stuff I ought not eat. So I eat hot slaw -- I have a rotten turnip still left, some broccoli stalk, cabbage. I could maybe braise rather than saute, but my preferred way is with sausage. I think I'll use some pepper-flavored olive oil mixed with some sesame oil. That's the ticket. And now I really do need to bring something to work. Turkey on whole wheat bread. Dinner? I could let Donna do burgers for herself, and I would do something with the canned Mackerel I bought. But what kind of something? What can I save half of? Something like a casserole? I'm thinking sweet potato and seeing what Google brings me. Smoked mackerel -- not canned, in all this. But an interesting idea -- kale, mackerel, and cream cheese mixed, and layered in mashed sweet potato. I'm sure the cream cheese will raise OA eyebrows. Raises mine. Maybe guacamole. That's the ticket. Actually -- no. That means no leftovers. Guacamole doesn't allow that. But I can maybe just store the unaltered fish -- use half a can. It's said tuna recipes will often work, but I have few of them. I'll just talk generalities and let pantry and such guide the outcome. I'm such a rotten planner. It's another of those step 6 things -- character defects abound.
After Weds meeting, I stepped on the scale at Gold's Gym. 368 -- most I've ever been. Some heavy clothing and such, but still -- I'm not doing it right. This emotional/spiritual/physical hunger is insatiable. And I'm not catching on to the program. I keep hearing "this healing comes but with prayer and fasting." Fasting is not really an OA thing, but I'm pondering still. My thought would be Sunday meeting to Weds meeting -- about 2-1/2 days. And those are days Donna can fend for herself. Prayer without fasting is something I'm still not hooked into. I think that would do me more good than fasting without prayer. Something has to happen. Eating nothing seems to me a whole lot easier than refusing seconds. It's just not a sustainable practice. But neither is 1200 cal, or even 3000. Deprivation is the feeling one gets from any amount less than bursting.
Slaw would be cool. I've never figured out a decent dressing for slaw. I use store bought, which is crap --- full of stuff I ought not eat. So I eat hot slaw -- I have a rotten turnip still left, some broccoli stalk, cabbage. I could maybe braise rather than saute, but my preferred way is with sausage. I think I'll use some pepper-flavored olive oil mixed with some sesame oil. That's the ticket. And now I really do need to bring something to work. Turkey on whole wheat bread. Dinner? I could let Donna do burgers for herself, and I would do something with the canned Mackerel I bought. But what kind of something? What can I save half of? Something like a casserole? I'm thinking sweet potato and seeing what Google brings me. Smoked mackerel -- not canned, in all this. But an interesting idea -- kale, mackerel, and cream cheese mixed, and layered in mashed sweet potato. I'm sure the cream cheese will raise OA eyebrows. Raises mine. Maybe guacamole. That's the ticket. Actually -- no. That means no leftovers. Guacamole doesn't allow that. But I can maybe just store the unaltered fish -- use half a can. It's said tuna recipes will often work, but I have few of them. I'll just talk generalities and let pantry and such guide the outcome. I'm such a rotten planner. It's another of those step 6 things -- character defects abound.
After Weds meeting, I stepped on the scale at Gold's Gym. 368 -- most I've ever been. Some heavy clothing and such, but still -- I'm not doing it right. This emotional/spiritual/physical hunger is insatiable. And I'm not catching on to the program. I keep hearing "this healing comes but with prayer and fasting." Fasting is not really an OA thing, but I'm pondering still. My thought would be Sunday meeting to Weds meeting -- about 2-1/2 days. And those are days Donna can fend for herself. Prayer without fasting is something I'm still not hooked into. I think that would do me more good than fasting without prayer. Something has to happen. Eating nothing seems to me a whole lot easier than refusing seconds. It's just not a sustainable practice. But neither is 1200 cal, or even 3000. Deprivation is the feeling one gets from any amount less than bursting.
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