I bought groceries today. My typical grocery bill is $15, mostly produce, manager specials, and beverages (unsweet tea, plain kefir, unsweetened almond milk). It was over $70 today, and included a turkey -- a 10 lb bird I intend to smoke, boneless prime rib (under $4/lb) with 'up to 15% such and such to increase tenderness' and some marinated pork loin. I cooked one of the pork loin for dinner -- George Foreman grill, and then braised, kinda, in some cabbage and potatoes. I had 3 medallions on whole wheat buns, and a plate of potatoes. Both were rosemary seasoned -- that cabbage/taters with some spice mix, and the pork in the package. I was pleased. Donna was pleased. Beyond that, I had leftovers -- soup for breakfast, then spaghetti. Late, I had a mushroom and shredded broccoli omelet with a 2 eggs and a couple ounces of shredded Mexican 4-cheese mix (from 2%). I can tell my quantities are still too big, and I'm still left hungry, but eating less won't leave me any more or less hungry -- I keep needing to remind myself. One has to respond to insatiability by coming up with cues to stop other than the ever elusive subjective fullness/gratification, whatever.
Planning for the next day keeps getting harder. I've got plenty of leftovers -- soup and spaghetti still and now pork and taters. I think spaghetti for breakfast. I made some cranberry relish today -- just stewed in some OJ and added julienne of two pears and a bit of jalapeno. I'll try some of that on some leftover pork for one snack. I'll need to cook again for Donna, which means meal at about 4:30... So just one snack really -- like today. About 1 PM. Dinner....?? I think maybe Swiss steak. I'll take out some frozen sirloin now to thaw. Eric will come over that night and we'll prep the turkey and start it in the smoker. I think that will be an opportunity to share some of the seven-layer dip that Donna bought yesterday.
Recovery-wise, it's been something of a navel gazing day. I'm reading in the AA big book the chapters on How it Works and Into Action... or some such headings... the steps -- Step 4 and following. It's funny how my mind goes this was and that doing this and other reading, but when I sit to write I can't recall where my thoughts went or seldom even what landmarks it passed. The main landmark is my for-as-long-as-I-can-remember ravenous soul hunger. I suppress myself to suppress it. And I certainly seek to find some hope of seeing a recognition of and response to it, most prominently with shrinks and other such. And I recall Peter telling Jesus after overhearing his instructions to the rich young man "Haven't we given up everything?" and today I hear in that question my same hunger. My hunger to be recognized as an earnest invalid instead of a moral degenerate. Interesting that Big Book and sunday school both brought up jailhouse conversion, and doubts of the sincerity of the same. I need to get beyond the need to explain myself, and do real step five -- to go though all the stupid palliatives which at other's expense have produced no benefit. Steal art glass to recycle at soda bottle rates. Isn't that how theft usually operates?
No comments:
Post a Comment