Back from another lapse from blogging. Thanksgiving intervened, of course. And this sense that continues to grow upon me that snacking is not making portion control any easier. It just adds to my calorie input each day. I'm not sure where to go with that. Where I went yesterday was to cook cabbage, enough for 3 regular size bowls. Today, where I went was to eat a token chunk of roast beef in the midst of cutting papaya and honeydew into cubes. The papaya was inedible pretty much. The skin was still green and the flesh was tough and flavorless. I'm told one can make a good salsa and curry with under-ripe papaya. I froze it in hopes of being more juicy upon thawing. We'll see. The melon was ready to eat and I had a few bites, but then froze two quart baggies of cubes.
I made pizza with some whole wheat pizza dough, a couple chicken breasts cubed and moistened with bbq sauce and sauted in bacon grease. Also sliced mushrooms, pineapple wedges, some canned pizza sauce and and 8-oz package of pizza cheese (shredded 4-cheese blend). The crust didn't cook well. No rise, and still a bit doughy. But the toppings meshed well. I had about 1/3 the pie. Donna had a bit, leaving a little less than half to keep as leftovers. Why could I leave this alone, having a small breakfast, and almost nothing since? When the other day I had a big breakfast at 8, a sandwich at 11:30 and again at 3, and then that evening eat (practically) a whole meat loaf and a baked potato, and crave more. Does snacking make me hungry and fasting make me moderate? Does this passover-level frenzy to purge sugar from my diet and my pantry yield a release from bondage to cravings?
My thoughts are headed dangerous places. Of course, the whole sugar/insulin thing is messed up by adiposity. No day to day dietary discipline can counter that, I'm told, not the low HDL. It's sustained reduction of adiposity that yields better regulation, or more normative, at least. But I creep toward greater adiposity -- and I don't believe because my hunger responds to glucose. My hunger responds to opportunity, perhaps. I dunno... I just dunno. I so often begin eating reluctantly, and then can't stop and must stop eating with even greater reluctance.
Anyhow -- I'm thinking the whole stomach volume thing and feedback circuitry is my driving biology. Which means -- bypass. Though I'm still not sure I wouldn't graze sufficiently to fill a golf-ball stomach with 6000 calories in the course of a day. I feel most helpless when I'm in grazing mode, hoping this bite or that bite will be enough, but the edge goes un-dulled.
Right now, I think I want to go back to eating when I'm hungry and fasting when I'm not. I think perhaps eating when I'm hungry lets me sense a change in my biology which signals it's time to stop. Eating when I'm not, because a schedule or commitment to a sponsor says I ought, only interferes with my satiety signaling. I'd rather not invite into my life the distorted satiety signalling of surgery, and all the other distortions that surgery provokes. But perhaps it's time to end this experiment with snacking and go back to filling a plate, and maybe another, with good tasting healthy foods. Go back to the same old dysfunction, but better than what I've put in its place, hoping for improvement, but gaining 5 pounds a month instead.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Turkey Eve
I just put away the excess Swiss steak. Not much veggies -- an onion, a half bag of frozen pepper strips (I'll start buying those from Trader Joe, I think -- bought a bag for $1.69 vs I think $2.50 at HT. Pretty much elsewhere, the pepper mix is half onion.) two carrots julienne, and about 2" from a stalk of celery, also julienne. You could say fine grated on a mandolin or slivered or whatnot. half inch size pieces, not inches long. A can of diced tomato and a can of some brand of Pizza sauce from Sharp Shopper. I trimmed the meat, sirloin, I think. Not much marbling, but lots of pocket fat. That's reserved for soup some day. Floured with seasoned salt and pepper, browned a bit before covering in sauce. Braised 3 hours, nice and flaky to the fork. I ate mostly the sauce, with a couple little meat chunks, atop most the (brown) rice from a boil-in bag. It filled my plate-sized bowl. I could and there was a time when I would boil another bag and top with what's left. I put it away and write right now because I'd rather have eaten it.
Other food today -- spaghetti for breakfast, a couple ounces of pork loin with a couple tablespoons of cranberry dressing. Dressing was OK, nothing remarkable. The jalapeno has more bite than the cranberry and the taste of pear comes through strong. I'm not remembering if I had specific plans for tonight. Those left over taters are calling me. Erik hasn't arrived yet. Thanksgiving service at church in an hour. I'm wondering if I ought have brined the turkey. Still a chance too. I need to get the right kind of salt, I think. I'm not sure about sugar in brine or how I might spice. I've jalapeno and ginger -- not big quantities. I've a little thyme getting rotten, or maybe already so. I think toasting some seed -- fennel, allspice, fenugreek, and whatever. It's just an 11 pound bird, and looks like 12 hour brine and 6 hour smoke is plenty of time for an early evening feast.
I'm not sure what to do with the whole meal. Have stuffing ingredients, but won't be stuffing the bird. The relish is made. I've brussel sprouts, Pictsweet. I plan to consult Erik for ways to do sweet potatoes. I prefer a hash with breakfast sausage, cooked on the George Foreman grill. That all should be plenty. Eat light before and after. No sweets. Specifics aren't coming to me. I had planned on 7-layer dip tonight, though those potatoes are calling me. I need to eat the rest of the slimy seaweed too. I wanted to roast it. Hmmmm.
I visited an old friend today. I could probably step 9 him from now to Christmas. I think I'll have the opportunity to do so. I think I might step 5 with him if he's willing. He knows his way around all this. And a man my own age is better for the step 5 I need to do than a woman of any age.
Other food today -- spaghetti for breakfast, a couple ounces of pork loin with a couple tablespoons of cranberry dressing. Dressing was OK, nothing remarkable. The jalapeno has more bite than the cranberry and the taste of pear comes through strong. I'm not remembering if I had specific plans for tonight. Those left over taters are calling me. Erik hasn't arrived yet. Thanksgiving service at church in an hour. I'm wondering if I ought have brined the turkey. Still a chance too. I need to get the right kind of salt, I think. I'm not sure about sugar in brine or how I might spice. I've jalapeno and ginger -- not big quantities. I've a little thyme getting rotten, or maybe already so. I think toasting some seed -- fennel, allspice, fenugreek, and whatever. It's just an 11 pound bird, and looks like 12 hour brine and 6 hour smoke is plenty of time for an early evening feast.
I'm not sure what to do with the whole meal. Have stuffing ingredients, but won't be stuffing the bird. The relish is made. I've brussel sprouts, Pictsweet. I plan to consult Erik for ways to do sweet potatoes. I prefer a hash with breakfast sausage, cooked on the George Foreman grill. That all should be plenty. Eat light before and after. No sweets. Specifics aren't coming to me. I had planned on 7-layer dip tonight, though those potatoes are calling me. I need to eat the rest of the slimy seaweed too. I wanted to roast it. Hmmmm.
I visited an old friend today. I could probably step 9 him from now to Christmas. I think I'll have the opportunity to do so. I think I might step 5 with him if he's willing. He knows his way around all this. And a man my own age is better for the step 5 I need to do than a woman of any age.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Holidays on the horizon
I bought groceries today. My typical grocery bill is $15, mostly produce, manager specials, and beverages (unsweet tea, plain kefir, unsweetened almond milk). It was over $70 today, and included a turkey -- a 10 lb bird I intend to smoke, boneless prime rib (under $4/lb) with 'up to 15% such and such to increase tenderness' and some marinated pork loin. I cooked one of the pork loin for dinner -- George Foreman grill, and then braised, kinda, in some cabbage and potatoes. I had 3 medallions on whole wheat buns, and a plate of potatoes. Both were rosemary seasoned -- that cabbage/taters with some spice mix, and the pork in the package. I was pleased. Donna was pleased. Beyond that, I had leftovers -- soup for breakfast, then spaghetti. Late, I had a mushroom and shredded broccoli omelet with a 2 eggs and a couple ounces of shredded Mexican 4-cheese mix (from 2%). I can tell my quantities are still too big, and I'm still left hungry, but eating less won't leave me any more or less hungry -- I keep needing to remind myself. One has to respond to insatiability by coming up with cues to stop other than the ever elusive subjective fullness/gratification, whatever.
Planning for the next day keeps getting harder. I've got plenty of leftovers -- soup and spaghetti still and now pork and taters. I think spaghetti for breakfast. I made some cranberry relish today -- just stewed in some OJ and added julienne of two pears and a bit of jalapeno. I'll try some of that on some leftover pork for one snack. I'll need to cook again for Donna, which means meal at about 4:30... So just one snack really -- like today. About 1 PM. Dinner....?? I think maybe Swiss steak. I'll take out some frozen sirloin now to thaw. Eric will come over that night and we'll prep the turkey and start it in the smoker. I think that will be an opportunity to share some of the seven-layer dip that Donna bought yesterday.
Recovery-wise, it's been something of a navel gazing day. I'm reading in the AA big book the chapters on How it Works and Into Action... or some such headings... the steps -- Step 4 and following. It's funny how my mind goes this was and that doing this and other reading, but when I sit to write I can't recall where my thoughts went or seldom even what landmarks it passed. The main landmark is my for-as-long-as-I-can-remember ravenous soul hunger. I suppress myself to suppress it. And I certainly seek to find some hope of seeing a recognition of and response to it, most prominently with shrinks and other such. And I recall Peter telling Jesus after overhearing his instructions to the rich young man "Haven't we given up everything?" and today I hear in that question my same hunger. My hunger to be recognized as an earnest invalid instead of a moral degenerate. Interesting that Big Book and sunday school both brought up jailhouse conversion, and doubts of the sincerity of the same. I need to get beyond the need to explain myself, and do real step five -- to go though all the stupid palliatives which at other's expense have produced no benefit. Steal art glass to recycle at soda bottle rates. Isn't that how theft usually operates?
Planning for the next day keeps getting harder. I've got plenty of leftovers -- soup and spaghetti still and now pork and taters. I think spaghetti for breakfast. I made some cranberry relish today -- just stewed in some OJ and added julienne of two pears and a bit of jalapeno. I'll try some of that on some leftover pork for one snack. I'll need to cook again for Donna, which means meal at about 4:30... So just one snack really -- like today. About 1 PM. Dinner....?? I think maybe Swiss steak. I'll take out some frozen sirloin now to thaw. Eric will come over that night and we'll prep the turkey and start it in the smoker. I think that will be an opportunity to share some of the seven-layer dip that Donna bought yesterday.
Recovery-wise, it's been something of a navel gazing day. I'm reading in the AA big book the chapters on How it Works and Into Action... or some such headings... the steps -- Step 4 and following. It's funny how my mind goes this was and that doing this and other reading, but when I sit to write I can't recall where my thoughts went or seldom even what landmarks it passed. The main landmark is my for-as-long-as-I-can-remember ravenous soul hunger. I suppress myself to suppress it. And I certainly seek to find some hope of seeing a recognition of and response to it, most prominently with shrinks and other such. And I recall Peter telling Jesus after overhearing his instructions to the rich young man "Haven't we given up everything?" and today I hear in that question my same hunger. My hunger to be recognized as an earnest invalid instead of a moral degenerate. Interesting that Big Book and sunday school both brought up jailhouse conversion, and doubts of the sincerity of the same. I need to get beyond the need to explain myself, and do real step five -- to go though all the stupid palliatives which at other's expense have produced no benefit. Steal art glass to recycle at soda bottle rates. Isn't that how theft usually operates?
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Still hungry
I'm wanting more food, but feeling a little soul hunger too. Not that I haven't been gratified by all the people I've dealt with today, but I've dealt with quite a few more than is my custom. Two churches and an OA meeting. A kind of an accidental agenda when, after a conversation with my pastor that included thoughts on ecumenism I learn of an ecumenical Thanksgiving service my church isn't participating in, maybe not aware of. Way above my pay grade, as someone who is back in church pretty much only because being fat will kill me if I continue being fat. But I made the suggestion that folks picking up from the food pantry be made aware of that service as well as our own.
I've a few long-standing poetic tropes that guide my political thought. One is the ship of state, with rudder, sails, and keel. That metaphor extends to one's confession, in the Epistle of James sense, and the distinction I make between guiding confession and propulsive belief. Anyhow, it's been there for several false starts of poetry affirming the political middle -- exemplified in professional bureaucrats (permanent undersecretaries among the British, e.g.), judiciary (ideally), and the Senate (in its tea saucer capacity). The other trope I dwell on is side door vs back door. The client entrance vs the employee entrance, for those not entering the front door. Little validation is found in being a client. Much in being a worker. I quit being a Republican for various reasons, many related to the 2000 recount. But I can't bring myself to be a Democrat, and that side door is the main reason. That side door is very important. Unfortunately, I keep knocking on that side door, an Step 6 issue with me. But there is a front door and a back door, I believe for each of us. And in the context of Christianity, I'm still moved by a sermon heard 20+ years ago from a Presbyterian Synod president, which took the theological term 'justification' away from it's Calvinistic forensic context to a more Tillichian 'ultimate concern' context, or a Maslowian needs context. I believe and confess that the third (perhaps second) tier of Maslow's pyramid is validation. I believe that in most instances the meaning of 'justification' is best understood in the Bible by substituting 'validation.' And I believe and pray and aspire to all whom I greet at the side door, that I might facilitate their welcome at somebody's back or front door, if not my own, any which are open in love. Again many false starts making a poem of all that.
Back to my hunger -- I often hunger to go back and do things differently than I've done. Today as usual, I talked too much in different contexts -- and today had a whole lot more contexts than is my custom. I wonder if I'm justified in singing badly with enthusiasm. I do know for a fact that when I seek to instruct others, I'm on shaky ground. Witness that last paragraph. And I know that leading an OA meeting, as I did today, and even just participating, I'm moved too often to speak, and too much of that is cross talk (responding to what others have said). Another attribute to lay on the Step 6 altar. I was impressed by how I spoke fairly easily of God in this meeting, while I've been struggling until now to get to steps 2 and 3. I think I've gotten back to the God I know -- the God incarnate in a corrupt but living and thriving Body of Christ -- faith communities assembled for worship and discipleship. I can do theology alone -- badly I expect, but well enough if that theology points me away from alone, even though my nature draws me into alone.
That all said, I can speak of food now. Of scrambled (two) eggs this morning with some steamed broccoli and cauliflower and mexican cheese blend. This was suggested by my OA mentor this morning as an alternative to the after sunday school snack spread at the church I've decided to attend 2x/mo. IT was all sweets there, and plenty of them. I had a half of a half of a bagel thin, without the choice of 3 flavored cream cheeses to spread on it. My mentor wants me to avoid sugar and sweet snacks and breakfast made that possible. I ruined the soup -- and such delicious stock it was -- trying to get toward goulash. I think I misused turmeric again. Maybe too much paprika or too much shelf time for the paprika or the yellow onions (4 med chopped and sweat/caramelized) introduced a bitter bite. Also in the soup was diced turnip (quarter inch cubes) and kale and beef cubes. I tried to stir in some butternut puree from the bottom part of the one I used the neck of recently. Still a metallic undertaste -- rather nasty. I had 3 bowls anyhow -- at 1PM, 4 PM and 7PM. Donna had gone to the store to get something -- she couldn't stomach the awful soup. I ended up eating a roasted thigh quarter with some Naan bread I bought today (along with MTR Veggie curry and some rice dishes). That was about 9 and it left me wanting more. Bad soup, I could do just the bowl. Good soup, I've been know to eat 6-8 bowls the day I make it. I had enough left to fill a quart (or so --- not sure of exact measure) casserole for another day.
Tomorrow, I can do a rice dish for breakfast. One has beans, the other not. I know that my mentor will insist on protein early -- with each meal in fact, and the beanless one is best a side, and the beanny one best a meal, So, that's a light breakfast. I should do the antique mall tomorrow, but not sure other obligations will permit that. Either way, it's time to pack a frozen smoothie. I think cold cuts are available for a sandwich. Dinner I'll leave to Donna. I can do a late snack with steamed cruciferous or sweet potato, depending on what best compliments what Donna does for dinner. BTW, the bike is still on the car rack and if I go to Gordonsville, I can find a nice ride thereabouts. There's a ride I've been wanting to do around the Klockner factory -- a side road that seems from a map to lead to interesting places.
I've a few long-standing poetic tropes that guide my political thought. One is the ship of state, with rudder, sails, and keel. That metaphor extends to one's confession, in the Epistle of James sense, and the distinction I make between guiding confession and propulsive belief. Anyhow, it's been there for several false starts of poetry affirming the political middle -- exemplified in professional bureaucrats (permanent undersecretaries among the British, e.g.), judiciary (ideally), and the Senate (in its tea saucer capacity). The other trope I dwell on is side door vs back door. The client entrance vs the employee entrance, for those not entering the front door. Little validation is found in being a client. Much in being a worker. I quit being a Republican for various reasons, many related to the 2000 recount. But I can't bring myself to be a Democrat, and that side door is the main reason. That side door is very important. Unfortunately, I keep knocking on that side door, an Step 6 issue with me. But there is a front door and a back door, I believe for each of us. And in the context of Christianity, I'm still moved by a sermon heard 20+ years ago from a Presbyterian Synod president, which took the theological term 'justification' away from it's Calvinistic forensic context to a more Tillichian 'ultimate concern' context, or a Maslowian needs context. I believe and confess that the third (perhaps second) tier of Maslow's pyramid is validation. I believe that in most instances the meaning of 'justification' is best understood in the Bible by substituting 'validation.' And I believe and pray and aspire to all whom I greet at the side door, that I might facilitate their welcome at somebody's back or front door, if not my own, any which are open in love. Again many false starts making a poem of all that.
Back to my hunger -- I often hunger to go back and do things differently than I've done. Today as usual, I talked too much in different contexts -- and today had a whole lot more contexts than is my custom. I wonder if I'm justified in singing badly with enthusiasm. I do know for a fact that when I seek to instruct others, I'm on shaky ground. Witness that last paragraph. And I know that leading an OA meeting, as I did today, and even just participating, I'm moved too often to speak, and too much of that is cross talk (responding to what others have said). Another attribute to lay on the Step 6 altar. I was impressed by how I spoke fairly easily of God in this meeting, while I've been struggling until now to get to steps 2 and 3. I think I've gotten back to the God I know -- the God incarnate in a corrupt but living and thriving Body of Christ -- faith communities assembled for worship and discipleship. I can do theology alone -- badly I expect, but well enough if that theology points me away from alone, even though my nature draws me into alone.
That all said, I can speak of food now. Of scrambled (two) eggs this morning with some steamed broccoli and cauliflower and mexican cheese blend. This was suggested by my OA mentor this morning as an alternative to the after sunday school snack spread at the church I've decided to attend 2x/mo. IT was all sweets there, and plenty of them. I had a half of a half of a bagel thin, without the choice of 3 flavored cream cheeses to spread on it. My mentor wants me to avoid sugar and sweet snacks and breakfast made that possible. I ruined the soup -- and such delicious stock it was -- trying to get toward goulash. I think I misused turmeric again. Maybe too much paprika or too much shelf time for the paprika or the yellow onions (4 med chopped and sweat/caramelized) introduced a bitter bite. Also in the soup was diced turnip (quarter inch cubes) and kale and beef cubes. I tried to stir in some butternut puree from the bottom part of the one I used the neck of recently. Still a metallic undertaste -- rather nasty. I had 3 bowls anyhow -- at 1PM, 4 PM and 7PM. Donna had gone to the store to get something -- she couldn't stomach the awful soup. I ended up eating a roasted thigh quarter with some Naan bread I bought today (along with MTR Veggie curry and some rice dishes). That was about 9 and it left me wanting more. Bad soup, I could do just the bowl. Good soup, I've been know to eat 6-8 bowls the day I make it. I had enough left to fill a quart (or so --- not sure of exact measure) casserole for another day.
Tomorrow, I can do a rice dish for breakfast. One has beans, the other not. I know that my mentor will insist on protein early -- with each meal in fact, and the beanless one is best a side, and the beanny one best a meal, So, that's a light breakfast. I should do the antique mall tomorrow, but not sure other obligations will permit that. Either way, it's time to pack a frozen smoothie. I think cold cuts are available for a sandwich. Dinner I'll leave to Donna. I can do a late snack with steamed cruciferous or sweet potato, depending on what best compliments what Donna does for dinner. BTW, the bike is still on the car rack and if I go to Gordonsville, I can find a nice ride thereabouts. There's a ride I've been wanting to do around the Klockner factory -- a side road that seems from a map to lead to interesting places.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
culinary and dietary missteps
Today didn't exactly go according to plan. I've not really eaten dinner yet. Last I ate was a pound of soup beans from an IGA grocery in Palmyra. Now some cabbage is cooking. Perhaps I could have just gone to sleep without, but I said I'd do this and I'm doing it.
Yesterday did go according to plan, pretty much. I had a big breakfast -- a cup (8 oz dry measure) of mixed whole grains, cooked with several cups of chopped veggies, mostly mirepoix and broccoli stem. Then I poached about 2-3 oz of salmon on top. I ate it all -- about 3-4 standard bowls. I thought of putting some aside, and will have to start doing so sometime. I can eat this quite often, but I need to buy the bulk grains again. I depleted my supply. Steel cut oats, millet, kasha buckwheat, coarse bulgar, hulled barley, and brown rice. I've added rolled rye in the past -- not lately. This has been go-to breakfast for 4 years or so now.
All day at the antique mall, working on my booth, I went out at 11 for a BMT footlong from Subway. Cut into 4 sections, I ate one then, one about 2:30 and gave the other half to Donna to take to work. Then I started cooking her dinner of Philly sandwich -- thin sliced beef with onions, A bit was left which I added to my beans... a different brand of Indian foil-packed, let me find it.... Ashoka Dal Makhani... didn't find a good link for this with all the info... suffice that it was quite different from MTR Dal Makhani -- less beans and more sauce and quite buttery, quite a few fat grams and calories. Good that I'd planned on noodles with it... whole grain egg noodles in this case. I reserved half that and ate for breakfast this morning, with about 3 tbsp of sour cream and large zucchini diced coarsely and steamed. Anyhow -- late last night I mixed up a smoothie with butternut (forgot to say that dinner included butternut medallions marinade in pepper-flavor olive oil, molasses, nutmeg, and allspice -- four pieces, about 3/4" thick and 3" around, maybe a pound). Anyhow -- in prepping them for the grill, I shaved flat on a mandolin and steamed the shaving for the smoothie. To that was added a pear, some cranberries, some frozen collard stems, and some frozen pineapple wedges. Also plain Lifeway kefir. The flavored stuff is too sweet. I had a 12 oz cup and saved another 16 oz or so for a portable snack.
Today, I've already mentioned breakfast (leftover noodles) and a deli container of beans from the hot table of the IGA. I finally got my bike rack on my car -- a spare tire mount that wasn't supposed to fit my model, but I made it fit. I can't open the back door with it installed, though. Didn't realize it's not really meant to be an installation -- needs to go on and off -- easy enough to do except climbing low to get a purchase for hooks to secure straps. I took the bike to less hilly terrain and rode from Boyd Tavern to Keswick to Shadwell and back. The Shadwell to Boyd leg was along US 250, not very pleasant. I had packed water and had some on route, about 800 ml total, but I forgot to transfer my snacks from car to bike. Ate right away upon return to car. It was an energy bar that I found quite suitable. If the brand would carry flavors not based on candy flavors, I'd be inclined to look no further and buy only this. I've yet to find a good fruit flavor bar and am still looking.
I had planned on the bike ride to stop at a convenience store or rural grocery and get a bean burrito. Didn't pass any such store, but probably one in Keswick I could have grabbed one, especially on discovering I failed to pack the sports bar. So, not long after my post-ride snack, I took an unfamiliar road that I hoped would come out near Monticello, but instead of SW, took me East. I went to Palmyra to get over to Rt 53, and stopped at an IGA I know. That's where I got the beans, with some stuff to bring home, a can of mustard greens, some fat free gravies, and some sardines all on sale. Also some beef and chicken broth in cans. 60 cents each.
At home I had left some stock steeping in the slow cooker -- roasted vegetable scraps and some lean beef. Donna had woken to think it soup and had some. I had to giggle. Tomorrow it will be soup. I was going to make some tonight, but decided to let the stock settle in the fridge overnight. So tomorrow, I've not well planned. I'm going to Sunday School at Chestnut Ridge, and will snack after. I may fast until that snack. Coming home for lunch, I'll need to have started my soup in the morning. I haven't really thought much past the stock, which seems pretty tasty, but measures only 2 cups. Borscht would be cool, but no beets. Maybe I'll do goulash. Tons and tons of onions. That's the ticket. I've a bit of beef reserved. The solids I pulled out earlier, I pretty much ate what was edible, carrots mostly. Cabbage core, Fennel base, little beef bits. I'll stew the roasted beef in 1/2 in cubes (only 5-6 oz left) and caramalize the onions. Anyhow -- that should do for lunch. Then OA sunday meeting and 5PM service at Buck Mountain. I'll let Donna do dinner. If I need something late at night, I'll steam some sweet potato and eat with guacomole.
Cabbage nearly done. I put some Salmon on top to poach, about 3 oz. Cabbage made with julienne-cut carrot and broccoli stalk and some seaweed. It was smelling pretty fishy before I added the salmon. Seasoned with some garlic/ginger asian spice mix. I'll go eat that now. Yum.
Yesterday did go according to plan, pretty much. I had a big breakfast -- a cup (8 oz dry measure) of mixed whole grains, cooked with several cups of chopped veggies, mostly mirepoix and broccoli stem. Then I poached about 2-3 oz of salmon on top. I ate it all -- about 3-4 standard bowls. I thought of putting some aside, and will have to start doing so sometime. I can eat this quite often, but I need to buy the bulk grains again. I depleted my supply. Steel cut oats, millet, kasha buckwheat, coarse bulgar, hulled barley, and brown rice. I've added rolled rye in the past -- not lately. This has been go-to breakfast for 4 years or so now.
All day at the antique mall, working on my booth, I went out at 11 for a BMT footlong from Subway. Cut into 4 sections, I ate one then, one about 2:30 and gave the other half to Donna to take to work. Then I started cooking her dinner of Philly sandwich -- thin sliced beef with onions, A bit was left which I added to my beans... a different brand of Indian foil-packed, let me find it.... Ashoka Dal Makhani... didn't find a good link for this with all the info... suffice that it was quite different from MTR Dal Makhani -- less beans and more sauce and quite buttery, quite a few fat grams and calories. Good that I'd planned on noodles with it... whole grain egg noodles in this case. I reserved half that and ate for breakfast this morning, with about 3 tbsp of sour cream and large zucchini diced coarsely and steamed. Anyhow -- late last night I mixed up a smoothie with butternut (forgot to say that dinner included butternut medallions marinade in pepper-flavor olive oil, molasses, nutmeg, and allspice -- four pieces, about 3/4" thick and 3" around, maybe a pound). Anyhow -- in prepping them for the grill, I shaved flat on a mandolin and steamed the shaving for the smoothie. To that was added a pear, some cranberries, some frozen collard stems, and some frozen pineapple wedges. Also plain Lifeway kefir. The flavored stuff is too sweet. I had a 12 oz cup and saved another 16 oz or so for a portable snack.
Today, I've already mentioned breakfast (leftover noodles) and a deli container of beans from the hot table of the IGA. I finally got my bike rack on my car -- a spare tire mount that wasn't supposed to fit my model, but I made it fit. I can't open the back door with it installed, though. Didn't realize it's not really meant to be an installation -- needs to go on and off -- easy enough to do except climbing low to get a purchase for hooks to secure straps. I took the bike to less hilly terrain and rode from Boyd Tavern to Keswick to Shadwell and back. The Shadwell to Boyd leg was along US 250, not very pleasant. I had packed water and had some on route, about 800 ml total, but I forgot to transfer my snacks from car to bike. Ate right away upon return to car. It was an energy bar that I found quite suitable. If the brand would carry flavors not based on candy flavors, I'd be inclined to look no further and buy only this. I've yet to find a good fruit flavor bar and am still looking.
I had planned on the bike ride to stop at a convenience store or rural grocery and get a bean burrito. Didn't pass any such store, but probably one in Keswick I could have grabbed one, especially on discovering I failed to pack the sports bar. So, not long after my post-ride snack, I took an unfamiliar road that I hoped would come out near Monticello, but instead of SW, took me East. I went to Palmyra to get over to Rt 53, and stopped at an IGA I know. That's where I got the beans, with some stuff to bring home, a can of mustard greens, some fat free gravies, and some sardines all on sale. Also some beef and chicken broth in cans. 60 cents each.
At home I had left some stock steeping in the slow cooker -- roasted vegetable scraps and some lean beef. Donna had woken to think it soup and had some. I had to giggle. Tomorrow it will be soup. I was going to make some tonight, but decided to let the stock settle in the fridge overnight. So tomorrow, I've not well planned. I'm going to Sunday School at Chestnut Ridge, and will snack after. I may fast until that snack. Coming home for lunch, I'll need to have started my soup in the morning. I haven't really thought much past the stock, which seems pretty tasty, but measures only 2 cups. Borscht would be cool, but no beets. Maybe I'll do goulash. Tons and tons of onions. That's the ticket. I've a bit of beef reserved. The solids I pulled out earlier, I pretty much ate what was edible, carrots mostly. Cabbage core, Fennel base, little beef bits. I'll stew the roasted beef in 1/2 in cubes (only 5-6 oz left) and caramalize the onions. Anyhow -- that should do for lunch. Then OA sunday meeting and 5PM service at Buck Mountain. I'll let Donna do dinner. If I need something late at night, I'll steam some sweet potato and eat with guacomole.
Cabbage nearly done. I put some Salmon on top to poach, about 3 oz. Cabbage made with julienne-cut carrot and broccoli stalk and some seaweed. It was smelling pretty fishy before I added the salmon. Seasoned with some garlic/ginger asian spice mix. I'll go eat that now. Yum.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Seaweed salad, first attempt.
Back to starting the day with a plan, and doing the day according to plan. Kinda. I was dragging my feet with respect to getting to work. Reading on the porch instead. Kinda chilly out there, but it's where I'm most comfortable reading. I did the broccoli at about 7, ice cream about 11, went to work about 2, got the mail out and did some extra biking, maybe 5 mile total instead of 2. Had juice and sandwich in an empty room in my building about 5. Did some shelving and listing of books for a couple hours. Came home and made the seaweed salad. It was left to marinate all day in vinegar and spices, but I doubt that did much. Shaved some onion and pepper and ginger and cooked a hunk of black rice noodles (tangent alert). I went pretty much high fiber years ago. Has it outlived its purpose, I was wondering as I browsed the noodle choices. I wanted something to suppress my appetite and give me a full feeling. Is brown bread that much better than white bread, for that purpose? Even if not, other purposed support black rice instead of plain rice noodles, and all the other fiber choices I make. It generally just tastes better. Anyhow -- that was OK. It filled a large bowl -- dressed with sesame oil, soy sauce, and balsamic vinegar. Quite chewy -- couldn't gum this -- wore my dentures. Not like the buffet, but not bad. I'll do it again, but next time with the dry seaweed. What's left of the wet I'll next try roasted, Just curious. I'll add some too next time I do cabbage. And the fish -- it wasn't scaled, so I skinned it. The skin will go to stock with the bones and scraps. I don't weigh my food, but estimate I did get about 4-5 oz from the thick part of one side of the steak. The thin parts and other thick part were reserved. I think I'll do a huge breakfast tomorrow with broccoli pilaf with some of the reserved salmon. The piece I just ate was cooked in cedar paper -- no oil, just a sprinkle of seafood seasoning, one of those mixes you find on a spice rack. Nicely done -- a little char at the edges, which stuck to the paper, but well worth scraping off, and flaky flesh. Just ate as is -- no dressing, no nothing, just fish flakes eaten with fingers.
Now I planned on grilled cheese with shaved fennel. Gonna do that now, about quarter to ten. As for plan -- pilaf breakfast, subway $5 footlong for two snacks, 3 inches at a time. The half that remains I can do for breakfast on Saturday. I'll get the oat bread, as usual. Not sure what sandwich I'll get. Likely whatever the monthly special is -- maybe tuna melt if I pick from the regular menu. I favor banana peppers among the toppings. Always provolone cheese when given a choice. Dinner.... pondering the fridge. I've had butternut squash just sitting around. I could George Foreman grill some slices and eat that with a packet of Indian dal that I bought yesterday. No meat needed, but maybe some pasta. About 1/3 package of whole wheat egg noodles. Late snack? I'll make a smoothie with kefir and apple and cranberry and some more of the butternut.
My reading has been from a book lent me by someone at church -- about an active lay woman in an urban California church. Hard to put my reactions to early reading into words. Just enough said perhaps that artsy people with spiritual sensitivity is a group to which I feel I've little to give, but wish I did. I feel so left out. But, heck, is there any group I feel drawn in? Most groups though, I'm quite content to be left out. This is a group where I lose that contentment. As for the drawn in remark -- I'm actually feeling a bit of that. It's not exactly an unfamiliar feeling, but rather uncommon and a bit unsettling, though gratifying. I'm not yet confident, and confidence is indeed rather unfamiliar and wholly unreliable. Now its past 10 -- best get moving on the grilled cheese.
Now I planned on grilled cheese with shaved fennel. Gonna do that now, about quarter to ten. As for plan -- pilaf breakfast, subway $5 footlong for two snacks, 3 inches at a time. The half that remains I can do for breakfast on Saturday. I'll get the oat bread, as usual. Not sure what sandwich I'll get. Likely whatever the monthly special is -- maybe tuna melt if I pick from the regular menu. I favor banana peppers among the toppings. Always provolone cheese when given a choice. Dinner.... pondering the fridge. I've had butternut squash just sitting around. I could George Foreman grill some slices and eat that with a packet of Indian dal that I bought yesterday. No meat needed, but maybe some pasta. About 1/3 package of whole wheat egg noodles. Late snack? I'll make a smoothie with kefir and apple and cranberry and some more of the butternut.
My reading has been from a book lent me by someone at church -- about an active lay woman in an urban California church. Hard to put my reactions to early reading into words. Just enough said perhaps that artsy people with spiritual sensitivity is a group to which I feel I've little to give, but wish I did. I feel so left out. But, heck, is there any group I feel drawn in? Most groups though, I'm quite content to be left out. This is a group where I lose that contentment. As for the drawn in remark -- I'm actually feeling a bit of that. It's not exactly an unfamiliar feeling, but rather uncommon and a bit unsettling, though gratifying. I'm not yet confident, and confidence is indeed rather unfamiliar and wholly unreliable. Now its past 10 -- best get moving on the grilled cheese.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Navel lint smells like cheese
I went to Weds meeting today. It was just me and proto-sponsor --- 'mentor' a word for the role I saw in a Lifeline magazine. So we talked at some length about identifying binge foods and following a meal plan. We agreed I'll call close to 8 tomorrow to do that. So I'm thinking on the fly, kind of, what I'll eat tomorrow. For today, I ate leftovers pretty much. Breakfast was turkey ragout left over from the weekend. Lunch was Zatarain's jambalaya with some added trinity and the half can of mackerel I reserved from last week. I ate it all, about 2 and a half bowls. Nutrition info said the rice was 6 servings of 130 cal each. I'm not sure about the fish. I don't count the trinity, but should count the oil, about 2 tbsp. So I guess it all adds up to about 1200 cal. No good way of counting breakfast. It was only a bowl full, and mostly veggies. Dinner was a salad made by Donna, and a grilled Kansas City Steak bacon wrapped filet. I steamed some asparagus -- the heads were about to go soft --- should have eaten them a few days ago, and the steak choice was "What would go with the asparagus?" decision. I had cut off the bottom 1/3 and reserved for stock. I used a bit more -- I think in the ragout -- but can't recall exactly -- so about 1/2 pound left. maybe 3/4. Stinky pee!! No sauce -- just eaten right from the steamer. I enjoy. It was on sale. I don't pay $4 a pound for much of anything but will pay $2 for asparagus. I ate around 8, with an ice cream novelty for dessert, so no snack tonight. I prob should just fast till morning. I allow myself a swig of kefir and a swig of Silk. Today, I have some pumpkin eggnog bought at discount. I remember I had planned to eat kraut as evening snack. Live culture kraut. Lacking any at home right now, I have my kefir -- so no fast, but no solids.
Anyhow -- I go shopping all the time. Yesterday I bought a gift for Tom and ended up with him at Bonefish with the happy hour appetizers and a glass of wine. I has earlier gotten some produce at Kroger (and the eggnog) with a cabbage and broccoli and onions and whole wheat hoagie rolls. Also some V-8 fusion juice packs. So, tomorrow, I'm eating for breakfast steamed heads of an older broccoli, maybe in peanut sauce in whole wheat wraps. I made a ham sandwich (deli slices Donna got a Food Lion) on one of the rolls and packed a juice for tomorrow at work. Today's shopping brought me seaweed, both dried and fresh, from an oriental market, and some Indian meals of a different brand. I also got a salmon steak, about a pound of it. I think I'll filet each side for two meals and make stock of the scraps. So about a 5 oz salmon and a first attempt at seaweed salad. I've not consulted a recipe book yet I'm CRAVING the seaweed salad served at the local chinese buffet. I don't recognize this as a binge craving. I just love the stuff and hope can replicate at home. I may dress the filets tonight. I got black rice noodles of the same brand as the sorghum noodles I've been eating. I may as well use a bundle of those. My vague intent has been to use some kind of fish oil in dressing the seaweed, but I've not found any culinary, and may seek medicinal (cod liver?). Which reminds me I forgot about vinegar. I've different kinds at home, including unfiltered cider I'll swig from time to time when I'm frittish in the kitchen. I'll prob dress in sesame oil and balsamic. I need to get some wine vinegars. So that's breakfast, a single snack, and dinner. My thought is a late snack of pumpkin ice cream. I may make a day snack of that and a late snack of....
I'm thinking what crave foods do qualify as binge foods. Ice cream is on the list, but I can handle just a scoop instead of the heaping full bowl. It's a binge food in that I can eat 2000 calories at a sitting and many a time I have. Pastries are that way. Certain candies. But what of cheese? There's some sliced cheese in the fridge I'm thinking as a decent late snack -- maybe with the broccoli stems. Broccoli casserole is an ambitious snack and kind of redundant with breakfast .... so I'm pondering a sandwich with shaved fennel on a grilled cheese. I tend not to dress sandwiches -- zucchini slices are a standby. I could but won't tomorrow. The fennel sounds like a winner. So...
9AM.....broccoli wraps with peanut sauce.
1 PM Sandwich and juice
5 PM ice cream scoop.
6:30 PM Salmon, seaweed and rice noodle salad
9 PM Grilled fennel and cheese.
Spoke to pastor today. I managed to not be creepy. I think positive things are developing. Helped with community outreach and attended book club too. Emotions and impulsiveness pretty much in check. Actually, feedback from church has been pretty positive the past week, and I think unsolicited and unprompted -- spontaneous and timely. It helps my misgivings and strengthens the attachments I feel. Reading AA big book I've realized my recent introspections are not necessarily what the program desires. I keep forgetting my need to look outside myself -- but -- hard to express here -- I need to remain aware of what's inside myself -- find the balance between navel gazing and distraction into oblivion. A half dozen things today pulling me out of navel gazing mode. I'm good with that. Grateful for that, I guess.
Anyhow -- I go shopping all the time. Yesterday I bought a gift for Tom and ended up with him at Bonefish with the happy hour appetizers and a glass of wine. I has earlier gotten some produce at Kroger (and the eggnog) with a cabbage and broccoli and onions and whole wheat hoagie rolls. Also some V-8 fusion juice packs. So, tomorrow, I'm eating for breakfast steamed heads of an older broccoli, maybe in peanut sauce in whole wheat wraps. I made a ham sandwich (deli slices Donna got a Food Lion) on one of the rolls and packed a juice for tomorrow at work. Today's shopping brought me seaweed, both dried and fresh, from an oriental market, and some Indian meals of a different brand. I also got a salmon steak, about a pound of it. I think I'll filet each side for two meals and make stock of the scraps. So about a 5 oz salmon and a first attempt at seaweed salad. I've not consulted a recipe book yet I'm CRAVING the seaweed salad served at the local chinese buffet. I don't recognize this as a binge craving. I just love the stuff and hope can replicate at home. I may dress the filets tonight. I got black rice noodles of the same brand as the sorghum noodles I've been eating. I may as well use a bundle of those. My vague intent has been to use some kind of fish oil in dressing the seaweed, but I've not found any culinary, and may seek medicinal (cod liver?). Which reminds me I forgot about vinegar. I've different kinds at home, including unfiltered cider I'll swig from time to time when I'm frittish in the kitchen. I'll prob dress in sesame oil and balsamic. I need to get some wine vinegars. So that's breakfast, a single snack, and dinner. My thought is a late snack of pumpkin ice cream. I may make a day snack of that and a late snack of....
I'm thinking what crave foods do qualify as binge foods. Ice cream is on the list, but I can handle just a scoop instead of the heaping full bowl. It's a binge food in that I can eat 2000 calories at a sitting and many a time I have. Pastries are that way. Certain candies. But what of cheese? There's some sliced cheese in the fridge I'm thinking as a decent late snack -- maybe with the broccoli stems. Broccoli casserole is an ambitious snack and kind of redundant with breakfast .... so I'm pondering a sandwich with shaved fennel on a grilled cheese. I tend not to dress sandwiches -- zucchini slices are a standby. I could but won't tomorrow. The fennel sounds like a winner. So...
9AM.....broccoli wraps with peanut sauce.
1 PM Sandwich and juice
5 PM ice cream scoop.
6:30 PM Salmon, seaweed and rice noodle salad
9 PM Grilled fennel and cheese.
Spoke to pastor today. I managed to not be creepy. I think positive things are developing. Helped with community outreach and attended book club too. Emotions and impulsiveness pretty much in check. Actually, feedback from church has been pretty positive the past week, and I think unsolicited and unprompted -- spontaneous and timely. It helps my misgivings and strengthens the attachments I feel. Reading AA big book I've realized my recent introspections are not necessarily what the program desires. I keep forgetting my need to look outside myself -- but -- hard to express here -- I need to remain aware of what's inside myself -- find the balance between navel gazing and distraction into oblivion. A half dozen things today pulling me out of navel gazing mode. I'm good with that. Grateful for that, I guess.
Friday, November 9, 2012
Finally according to plan
I pretty much followed through with the plan put up last night. Cabbage for breakfast -- meatless, with an assortment of other veggies -- two bowls full -- regular size bowl. Simple sandwich packed -- just some cold cut turkey on whole grain wheat. Funny thing -- sugar was right up there on the ingredient list. Third, I think -- I forget what was second. But 4g sugars per serving. Did most get fermented away? Also a frozen smoothie made a couple weeks ago -- mostly from cantalope. It was my late snack -- took that long to melt. I ate both outdoors. I'm not bringing food into the workplace -- kept it in my car until ready to eat. Nice, I guess, to have structured breaks, too. I spent more time at work than in a long time, but didn't get a whole lot done. I get a whole lot less done when I let the slow pace of everything deter me from doing anything at all.
Home I mixed an egg in half a can of mackerel, added some bread crumbs and hummus and used that as a binder for jullienned sweet potato, carrot, and broccoli stem. Not much seasoning -- I figured the ingredients would carry plenty. Made 3 large patties cooked dry -- for quite a while too. Kinda crusty on either side, but a decent texture inside. Not too fishy. I ate with some guacamole. Finished about 8:30. Maybe no snack tonight. I called my proto-sponsor and mentioned ground turkey as a snack. I guess I'm committed to that. That or nothing. Maybe some fluids instead -- some silk fruit drink and plain kefir. We'll see.
I did the post office bike ride. Filled the tires first. It does make one helluva difference.
Now to ponder tomorrow. I've a vague desire to get to the RTF trail day. But I never feel much like doing anything at all in the morning, especially that time of the morning. I think leftover Gen Tso for a quick breakfast. Not sure what could carry with me. I'd like to eat out if I'm going out, but not sure when this whole thing breaks up. I'll just take a sport bar I've kept around for such an occasion. Buffets are where I eat, usually. Cici's is out -- perhaps forever and ever. One of four indian options are my preference. Chinese has been disappointing, as far as filling my plate with veggies. American buffets, of which I only know Wood Grill -- most have shut down, are great for a healthy plate, as well as a pig out plate. If I have a buffet weakness, it would be smoked sausage. That might be a binge food thing in OA, like CiCis. I'm sure I can pass it up, with incredible regret, though. Potatoes are another tasty option I need to refuse -- I love french fries with brown gravy, or home fries and sausage gravy. Lately, I get the baked sweet and turn down the butter, brown sugar, and such. We'll see -- I'll probably go indian, anyhow. Late meal -- That will be the ground turkey -- some kind of ragout served over spaghetti squash.
I read the chapter in AA big book after Bill's Story. I forget what it's called, but talks mostly about the hopelessness of alcoholism absent God's intervention. I have to attribute spiritual transformation entirely to God's action. I was pondering today that His apparent inaction, though, is no excuse for mine. I remember a joke of a man refusing rescue three times, saying 'God will save me' -- he finally dies and asked God why he didn't save him. God responds -- I sent a bus and a cop and a boat, what more would you have me do?
Home I mixed an egg in half a can of mackerel, added some bread crumbs and hummus and used that as a binder for jullienned sweet potato, carrot, and broccoli stem. Not much seasoning -- I figured the ingredients would carry plenty. Made 3 large patties cooked dry -- for quite a while too. Kinda crusty on either side, but a decent texture inside. Not too fishy. I ate with some guacamole. Finished about 8:30. Maybe no snack tonight. I called my proto-sponsor and mentioned ground turkey as a snack. I guess I'm committed to that. That or nothing. Maybe some fluids instead -- some silk fruit drink and plain kefir. We'll see.
I did the post office bike ride. Filled the tires first. It does make one helluva difference.
Now to ponder tomorrow. I've a vague desire to get to the RTF trail day. But I never feel much like doing anything at all in the morning, especially that time of the morning. I think leftover Gen Tso for a quick breakfast. Not sure what could carry with me. I'd like to eat out if I'm going out, but not sure when this whole thing breaks up. I'll just take a sport bar I've kept around for such an occasion. Buffets are where I eat, usually. Cici's is out -- perhaps forever and ever. One of four indian options are my preference. Chinese has been disappointing, as far as filling my plate with veggies. American buffets, of which I only know Wood Grill -- most have shut down, are great for a healthy plate, as well as a pig out plate. If I have a buffet weakness, it would be smoked sausage. That might be a binge food thing in OA, like CiCis. I'm sure I can pass it up, with incredible regret, though. Potatoes are another tasty option I need to refuse -- I love french fries with brown gravy, or home fries and sausage gravy. Lately, I get the baked sweet and turn down the butter, brown sugar, and such. We'll see -- I'll probably go indian, anyhow. Late meal -- That will be the ground turkey -- some kind of ragout served over spaghetti squash.
I read the chapter in AA big book after Bill's Story. I forget what it's called, but talks mostly about the hopelessness of alcoholism absent God's intervention. I have to attribute spiritual transformation entirely to God's action. I was pondering today that His apparent inaction, though, is no excuse for mine. I remember a joke of a man refusing rescue three times, saying 'God will save me' -- he finally dies and asked God why he didn't save him. God responds -- I sent a bus and a cop and a boat, what more would you have me do?
Thursday, November 8, 2012
368 pounds, a new high
I waited at the Sunday meeting site, and nobody showed up. All those feelings of people not showing up because I am showing up. I can't shake it. Weds meeting someone volunteered to be something of a sponsor. In this case, it involves a commitment the beginning of each day to some kind of meal plan. This is new for me. And I've not done it. I'm not there yet. I'm not sure how to get there. Just do it, perhaps. What will I eat tomorrow? Eat for myself and cook for Donna? I've got left over collards and Gen Tso from today. The Tso was an interesting project. It came from the pineapple I cut up the other day, sitting in the freezer. I was grabbing some meat -- Donna bought some cheap steaks and ground beef at Sams, but I saw the pineapple and found some chicken breasts -- made a sauce with some rotten peaches and fresh cranberries, molasses, ketchup, soy sauce, vinegar, and diced pineapple and peppers. Ginger and hot sauce too. Fried chicken medallions with batter and bread crumbs (turmeric in the batter -- good salt substitute, it seems to be turning out. Not sure yet how to use the saltiness it gives). Also some steamed broccoli. Now this is something I don't dream up at the start of the day, or the night before. Anyhow -- what would I plan for tomorrow?
Slaw would be cool. I've never figured out a decent dressing for slaw. I use store bought, which is crap --- full of stuff I ought not eat. So I eat hot slaw -- I have a rotten turnip still left, some broccoli stalk, cabbage. I could maybe braise rather than saute, but my preferred way is with sausage. I think I'll use some pepper-flavored olive oil mixed with some sesame oil. That's the ticket. And now I really do need to bring something to work. Turkey on whole wheat bread. Dinner? I could let Donna do burgers for herself, and I would do something with the canned Mackerel I bought. But what kind of something? What can I save half of? Something like a casserole? I'm thinking sweet potato and seeing what Google brings me. Smoked mackerel -- not canned, in all this. But an interesting idea -- kale, mackerel, and cream cheese mixed, and layered in mashed sweet potato. I'm sure the cream cheese will raise OA eyebrows. Raises mine. Maybe guacamole. That's the ticket. Actually -- no. That means no leftovers. Guacamole doesn't allow that. But I can maybe just store the unaltered fish -- use half a can. It's said tuna recipes will often work, but I have few of them. I'll just talk generalities and let pantry and such guide the outcome. I'm such a rotten planner. It's another of those step 6 things -- character defects abound.
After Weds meeting, I stepped on the scale at Gold's Gym. 368 -- most I've ever been. Some heavy clothing and such, but still -- I'm not doing it right. This emotional/spiritual/physical hunger is insatiable. And I'm not catching on to the program. I keep hearing "this healing comes but with prayer and fasting." Fasting is not really an OA thing, but I'm pondering still. My thought would be Sunday meeting to Weds meeting -- about 2-1/2 days. And those are days Donna can fend for herself. Prayer without fasting is something I'm still not hooked into. I think that would do me more good than fasting without prayer. Something has to happen. Eating nothing seems to me a whole lot easier than refusing seconds. It's just not a sustainable practice. But neither is 1200 cal, or even 3000. Deprivation is the feeling one gets from any amount less than bursting.
Slaw would be cool. I've never figured out a decent dressing for slaw. I use store bought, which is crap --- full of stuff I ought not eat. So I eat hot slaw -- I have a rotten turnip still left, some broccoli stalk, cabbage. I could maybe braise rather than saute, but my preferred way is with sausage. I think I'll use some pepper-flavored olive oil mixed with some sesame oil. That's the ticket. And now I really do need to bring something to work. Turkey on whole wheat bread. Dinner? I could let Donna do burgers for herself, and I would do something with the canned Mackerel I bought. But what kind of something? What can I save half of? Something like a casserole? I'm thinking sweet potato and seeing what Google brings me. Smoked mackerel -- not canned, in all this. But an interesting idea -- kale, mackerel, and cream cheese mixed, and layered in mashed sweet potato. I'm sure the cream cheese will raise OA eyebrows. Raises mine. Maybe guacamole. That's the ticket. Actually -- no. That means no leftovers. Guacamole doesn't allow that. But I can maybe just store the unaltered fish -- use half a can. It's said tuna recipes will often work, but I have few of them. I'll just talk generalities and let pantry and such guide the outcome. I'm such a rotten planner. It's another of those step 6 things -- character defects abound.
After Weds meeting, I stepped on the scale at Gold's Gym. 368 -- most I've ever been. Some heavy clothing and such, but still -- I'm not doing it right. This emotional/spiritual/physical hunger is insatiable. And I'm not catching on to the program. I keep hearing "this healing comes but with prayer and fasting." Fasting is not really an OA thing, but I'm pondering still. My thought would be Sunday meeting to Weds meeting -- about 2-1/2 days. And those are days Donna can fend for herself. Prayer without fasting is something I'm still not hooked into. I think that would do me more good than fasting without prayer. Something has to happen. Eating nothing seems to me a whole lot easier than refusing seconds. It's just not a sustainable practice. But neither is 1200 cal, or even 3000. Deprivation is the feeling one gets from any amount less than bursting.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Catching my breath.
Not a daily thing any more.... not even weekly. I'm just back from my little bike trip to the post office. Huffing and puffing. Again, a week off puts one a month behind in conditioning. But low tire pressure had something to do with it, too. I'll have to fill before the next time.
I get these thoughts when I travel, in the car, on the bike --- and generally when I can't afford total distraction or absorption. Like laying in bed dreading the day ahead. Less dread into the day, usually, than at the start. But I sit to write and can't recall these ruminations. Most my obsessing today has to do with Sunday School. I talk too much. I talk too impulsively self-promoting. I'm not such a good listener. Same in OA meetings. Same in a classroom. Same in one-on-one with anyone. I don't serve my self well in general by my ways, nor am I served by not being myself. It sucks to be me. There's a step for that -- the 7th, I think. Let God make me a better man. I don't hold much hope of becoming anything other than who I already am. I'm not sure who I wish I could be. My confession (as opposed to my belief) is that I can discover in myself who I wish to be, not in being a replica of another. I already am what God wishes me to be, made me to be. But sick and corrupt and obscured. It's there. I've just lost sight, or never had sight. What I believe is that the essence of me is in the corruption, not some Logos or Atman or Psyche. I have as much trouble believing in such as I do believing in God, though I confess God. One thing I remember thinking was that I wish Christianity were true, at least the kind of Christianity I confess and try to make known. Not the kind that scares me and others away as incurious, belligerent and manipulative. How nice it would be if the Christianity I wish were true, was indeed true. How might one become confident in that hope, or at long last abandon it (abandon all hope?).
Anyhow -- some of what I was thinking had to do with metaphor of snacking -- of the tendency to take gratification to gluttony -- all or nothing at all. I don't know how to be small -- only absent or -- can't find a word -- over-engaged, or disengaged. And then burned out and moving on elsewhere.
Meals -- breakfast was MTR Ramja Masala on half a spaghetti squash. I also has a brownie and some potato chips. The whole snack thing is still an obstacle. I don't like the idea of bringing food to work, even when the idea occurs to me, which it usually doesn't. I did take a small step to snacking -- had to spend my eBay bucks, and ended up spending them on some thermos bottles. I buy lots of things to help me do things I don't care to do. I end up with lots of things I never use.
I get these thoughts when I travel, in the car, on the bike --- and generally when I can't afford total distraction or absorption. Like laying in bed dreading the day ahead. Less dread into the day, usually, than at the start. But I sit to write and can't recall these ruminations. Most my obsessing today has to do with Sunday School. I talk too much. I talk too impulsively self-promoting. I'm not such a good listener. Same in OA meetings. Same in a classroom. Same in one-on-one with anyone. I don't serve my self well in general by my ways, nor am I served by not being myself. It sucks to be me. There's a step for that -- the 7th, I think. Let God make me a better man. I don't hold much hope of becoming anything other than who I already am. I'm not sure who I wish I could be. My confession (as opposed to my belief) is that I can discover in myself who I wish to be, not in being a replica of another. I already am what God wishes me to be, made me to be. But sick and corrupt and obscured. It's there. I've just lost sight, or never had sight. What I believe is that the essence of me is in the corruption, not some Logos or Atman or Psyche. I have as much trouble believing in such as I do believing in God, though I confess God. One thing I remember thinking was that I wish Christianity were true, at least the kind of Christianity I confess and try to make known. Not the kind that scares me and others away as incurious, belligerent and manipulative. How nice it would be if the Christianity I wish were true, was indeed true. How might one become confident in that hope, or at long last abandon it (abandon all hope?).
Anyhow -- some of what I was thinking had to do with metaphor of snacking -- of the tendency to take gratification to gluttony -- all or nothing at all. I don't know how to be small -- only absent or -- can't find a word -- over-engaged, or disengaged. And then burned out and moving on elsewhere.
Meals -- breakfast was MTR Ramja Masala on half a spaghetti squash. I also has a brownie and some potato chips. The whole snack thing is still an obstacle. I don't like the idea of bringing food to work, even when the idea occurs to me, which it usually doesn't. I did take a small step to snacking -- had to spend my eBay bucks, and ended up spending them on some thermos bottles. I buy lots of things to help me do things I don't care to do. I end up with lots of things I never use.
Friday, October 19, 2012
That 'ain't enuf' feeling
This has been a noodle day, kinda. Sorghum noodles in turnip stir fry for breakfast -- brunch, really -- I ate at 11. This was pretty good. I used some tinned mackerel belly. 4 small turnips julienned, along with about a half cup more mixed veggies (peppers, carrots, fennel, ginger). I cooked in sausage grease and added some sesame oil. It was enough to fill a big bowl -- kind of a serving piece, as big around as a plate and about an inch deep. I wanted more than that. I ended up eating the sausage on an english muffin.
I worked a few hours and came home to make dinner for Donna. I had some manager special chicken sausage links -- hot Italian I think. I don't much care to cook sausages. It would be cool to have a roller thing like 7/11. For myself, I tend to microwave upright in a coffee cup. These I kind of braised with some chopped onion and pepper. I had 3 links. One I diced into the veggies and added some acorn squash, garlic, ginger, and fennel to stew a while. Some butter in there too. The way it cooked down, I ended up adding a can of sweet peas, a quarter cup or so of Alfredo sauce, and some whole wheat spaghetti. This was all eaten after a cheese omelet (Lately I'd been using 2 eggs. Tonight more like 4 -- 6 really, with 2 for Donna) and a sausage link. I had about half, and wanted the other half. I decided to put it away for tomorrow instead. Went to work a few more hours and came home for some ice cream. It's never enough ice cream.
Wednesday was OA. I keep getting stuck on God. It's occurring to me more and more that its not really about God -- it's about neediness -- psychic hunger/thirst/jonesin'. And one's attitude toward God can influence the needy vibes we put out and the needy ache we seek to soothe. Most my God thought amplifies my neediness. I still vividly recall in the middle of a religious meeting pleading with God out loud -- quite loud -- to make the pain go away. The kind of pain that gets people telling me -- it sucks to be you, eh? -- a kind of ironic plea for me to stuff it with the whining. Anyhow, afterward I skipped the Mongolian buffet, having had breakfast before. I almost feel obligated to go there whenever I'm downtown. It's a chance to eat interesting stuff. Just too much of it. I remember telling my doctor who asked what I'd eaten that morning (to see if blood draw would be valid) -- and I said 5 stacks of keep-em-coming pancakes at IHOP. He smirked and said "You win" -- more irony. But I do feel obliged to get more than my money's worth in most everything I do, especially eating. Perhaps I can address that. I've been trying to tell myself, with food at least, that I need to be willing (willing is magic word in 12-step) to let enough be enough. It's all about neediness. I'm not sure I've ever not been -- the more so when I try to suppress it. People sense it. People are repulsed. And in almost 60 years, I've not found a way to not appear needy, much less feel and be needy. I'm not sure the 12 steps are the way out of this. I know 12-step meetings are bringing me toward where I'm most inept. And I'm feeling that, but still forging on. The pain of isolation is worse than the pain of alienation. Not really. Alienation is worse, but alienation has hope. Isolation is hopelessness.
I worked a few hours and came home to make dinner for Donna. I had some manager special chicken sausage links -- hot Italian I think. I don't much care to cook sausages. It would be cool to have a roller thing like 7/11. For myself, I tend to microwave upright in a coffee cup. These I kind of braised with some chopped onion and pepper. I had 3 links. One I diced into the veggies and added some acorn squash, garlic, ginger, and fennel to stew a while. Some butter in there too. The way it cooked down, I ended up adding a can of sweet peas, a quarter cup or so of Alfredo sauce, and some whole wheat spaghetti. This was all eaten after a cheese omelet (Lately I'd been using 2 eggs. Tonight more like 4 -- 6 really, with 2 for Donna) and a sausage link. I had about half, and wanted the other half. I decided to put it away for tomorrow instead. Went to work a few more hours and came home for some ice cream. It's never enough ice cream.
Wednesday was OA. I keep getting stuck on God. It's occurring to me more and more that its not really about God -- it's about neediness -- psychic hunger/thirst/jonesin'. And one's attitude toward God can influence the needy vibes we put out and the needy ache we seek to soothe. Most my God thought amplifies my neediness. I still vividly recall in the middle of a religious meeting pleading with God out loud -- quite loud -- to make the pain go away. The kind of pain that gets people telling me -- it sucks to be you, eh? -- a kind of ironic plea for me to stuff it with the whining. Anyhow, afterward I skipped the Mongolian buffet, having had breakfast before. I almost feel obligated to go there whenever I'm downtown. It's a chance to eat interesting stuff. Just too much of it. I remember telling my doctor who asked what I'd eaten that morning (to see if blood draw would be valid) -- and I said 5 stacks of keep-em-coming pancakes at IHOP. He smirked and said "You win" -- more irony. But I do feel obliged to get more than my money's worth in most everything I do, especially eating. Perhaps I can address that. I've been trying to tell myself, with food at least, that I need to be willing (willing is magic word in 12-step) to let enough be enough. It's all about neediness. I'm not sure I've ever not been -- the more so when I try to suppress it. People sense it. People are repulsed. And in almost 60 years, I've not found a way to not appear needy, much less feel and be needy. I'm not sure the 12 steps are the way out of this. I know 12-step meetings are bringing me toward where I'm most inept. And I'm feeling that, but still forging on. The pain of isolation is worse than the pain of alienation. Not really. Alienation is worse, but alienation has hope. Isolation is hopelessness.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Writing again after 2 week hiatus
I've been back from my trip for a while, but just now getting back to writing this blog, after doing it daily for a week. What really broke the trend was sour feelings Tuesday and Wednesday before the trip -- a disappointing absence from the Weds OA meeting and a particularly nasty tirade from my wife, who repeatedly invites me to leave her. The emotions associated with such things do bring me to take refuge in shopping, cooking, and eating food -- my triune addiction.
The trip was pleasant, but yet another reminder that I've fallen so far since 1991, and haven't found my way back. Just like the reminder from the fellow at church. I've made something of a pledge to myself to go regular to that church and its social/discipleship offerings. My sister and her husband have a huge house and a pretty well-ordered life and a decent friendship between them. I enjoyed their company. Food on the trip was not a big problem. I did drink lots of beer. I did feel somewhat veggie-less, but some chinese food (which made me at least 4 meals from leftovers) and a salad at a dinner with my cousins provided plenty. I did a day on a rented bike and a day on foot. Otherwise not terribly active.
Sunday I did an OA meeting. I've not really gone walking after since my walking partner stopped coming. I haven't done any real walking/biking since getting home. Today did a few laps around GF9 and Crutchfield buildings. Tomorrow would be a good bike day. An enterprising person would set up the car carrier for my bike and take it with me to meeting for a ride in or around C-ville. I do plan to go to meeting.
Food today -- Cabbage this morning, with this and that. I had some sandwiches at intervals during the day -- cheese and seafood salad. Donna cooked pork chops, sweet potato fries, and steamed cauliflower and carrots with some salad dressing. I enjoyed that. Last night I made something kinda like borscht. I had 4 small beets that I roasted, peeled, and julienned which went into what started as onion soup -- with a leftover steak, two onions sliced fine, some celery/carrots/fennel/mushrooms/cabbage, and I guess that's about it. Finished it off with a couple tbsp of cream cheese -- add a bit of richness to the broth. I have a bowl I could heat up right now. I started writing to keep me from staring in the refrigerator. That or some table grapes for a nightcap. Perhaps, though, it's late for a nightcap. I should try to fast after 9 PM. The soup would be a good breakfast.
The trip was pleasant, but yet another reminder that I've fallen so far since 1991, and haven't found my way back. Just like the reminder from the fellow at church. I've made something of a pledge to myself to go regular to that church and its social/discipleship offerings. My sister and her husband have a huge house and a pretty well-ordered life and a decent friendship between them. I enjoyed their company. Food on the trip was not a big problem. I did drink lots of beer. I did feel somewhat veggie-less, but some chinese food (which made me at least 4 meals from leftovers) and a salad at a dinner with my cousins provided plenty. I did a day on a rented bike and a day on foot. Otherwise not terribly active.
Sunday I did an OA meeting. I've not really gone walking after since my walking partner stopped coming. I haven't done any real walking/biking since getting home. Today did a few laps around GF9 and Crutchfield buildings. Tomorrow would be a good bike day. An enterprising person would set up the car carrier for my bike and take it with me to meeting for a ride in or around C-ville. I do plan to go to meeting.
Food today -- Cabbage this morning, with this and that. I had some sandwiches at intervals during the day -- cheese and seafood salad. Donna cooked pork chops, sweet potato fries, and steamed cauliflower and carrots with some salad dressing. I enjoyed that. Last night I made something kinda like borscht. I had 4 small beets that I roasted, peeled, and julienned which went into what started as onion soup -- with a leftover steak, two onions sliced fine, some celery/carrots/fennel/mushrooms/cabbage, and I guess that's about it. Finished it off with a couple tbsp of cream cheese -- add a bit of richness to the broth. I have a bowl I could heat up right now. I started writing to keep me from staring in the refrigerator. That or some table grapes for a nightcap. Perhaps, though, it's late for a nightcap. I should try to fast after 9 PM. The soup would be a good breakfast.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Abstinence Schmabstinence
Sleep was my demon today. Sleep and a stupid online game. I was up at 4 to do some housekeeping with the game, then stuffed the pumpkin and put it in the oven. I had the little bit of remaining surplus on some pita bread. I woke up again about 3 hours later. The pumpkin was very much done. A delightful breakfast. The rind peeled right off the flesh which was tender and moist. The filling -- sausage, rice, and veggies mostly -- was wonderful. I've got half a pumpkin and two peppers left to eat -- or maybe discard before my trip. Maybe freeze. We'll see.
Anyhow -- dental cleaning. All good. A few errands downtown after. Then I went hunting for a snack. I didn't see anything on the Burger King menu that appealed, so I ended up at an Indian Buffet -- one of three (plus a Himalayan downtown) here in C'ville. It was a three plater -- my favorite being the paneer and the cabbage. Also was dal, aloo, and mixed veggies, and a couple chicken dishes. Tandoori legs and breast chunks in some sauce. I sampled both. Decent. Came home, read a little of that ACOA book, and then crashed. Slept maybe 3 hours. Woke to Pizza that Donna had made. Night nibbling limited to some pie so far.
Tomorrow, Donna talks about breakfast at IHOP while car getting state inspection. There's OA at 10, that I don't want to miss. I might end up missing it. I have some books to mail before I vacation the accounts for my trip. Then it's all about getting ready for the road.
Anyhow -- dental cleaning. All good. A few errands downtown after. Then I went hunting for a snack. I didn't see anything on the Burger King menu that appealed, so I ended up at an Indian Buffet -- one of three (plus a Himalayan downtown) here in C'ville. It was a three plater -- my favorite being the paneer and the cabbage. Also was dal, aloo, and mixed veggies, and a couple chicken dishes. Tandoori legs and breast chunks in some sauce. I sampled both. Decent. Came home, read a little of that ACOA book, and then crashed. Slept maybe 3 hours. Woke to Pizza that Donna had made. Night nibbling limited to some pie so far.
Tomorrow, Donna talks about breakfast at IHOP while car getting state inspection. There's OA at 10, that I don't want to miss. I might end up missing it. I have some books to mail before I vacation the accounts for my trip. Then it's all about getting ready for the road.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Manic Monday
Still writing to nobody in particular, because nobody has found the blog. Today was a med bike ride day. I've 3 loops near home that I've been doing for years -- of and on. Mostly on foot. The one I keep telling myself I ought do twice a week on the bike is what I did today. I think its about 8 miles loop from the Earlysville Forest entrance, plus the two mile round trip to get there. I do the round trip 3x/wk or so -- to get mail to the post office. Anyhow, I goes through EF to Advance Mills, then onto Fray mountain, Buffalo River, Simmons Gap and finally Buck Mountain road. The dismount spots are several -- the last bit of EF road, the middle part of AdvM and part of Simmons Gap. Some of Fray, too, but not today -- I stayed mounted the whole length. The point of 2x/wk is to have a challenging route by which to measure my conditioning -- which I always think of as plateaued or regressed. It's challenging enough, too to maybe improve my conditioning if done persistently. It's about an hour ride. No need to carry snack or hydration.
Food today -- kinda haphazard. Toast and Hummus, blueberry turnover, Potato salad with relish added. I stopped at home on the bike loop and had 8oz of fruity Silk. In the evening, I was making a braise of the last of yesterday's spare ribs and some cabbage with a few veggie additions (broccoli stalk, onion, ginger, daikon, pepper). Tom came by and we went drinking, as we often do on Mondays. 3 beers and some black bean soup with generous amounts of bacon. Back home, I ate the braise. Delicious.
I continue to read the Empty Heart book from Brazelon. I continue to obsess over the Mat Sci dept head from church, and my own failure to thrive in that profession, despite a good deal of promise. I like the church. I like the pastor. I even like to opportunity to deal with some ghosts, though I fear making a pest of myself. I've been out and about alot lately with this commitment to OA and church shopping. The pest fears are rampant. As well as the resignation that I can't be otherwise, and the admonition to myself that I'm not so powerful as to pester people away from what they'd do were I absent. But people are disappearing. Blaming myself, and thinking that's silly to do so, and not knowing the reality of it all.
Food today -- kinda haphazard. Toast and Hummus, blueberry turnover, Potato salad with relish added. I stopped at home on the bike loop and had 8oz of fruity Silk. In the evening, I was making a braise of the last of yesterday's spare ribs and some cabbage with a few veggie additions (broccoli stalk, onion, ginger, daikon, pepper). Tom came by and we went drinking, as we often do on Mondays. 3 beers and some black bean soup with generous amounts of bacon. Back home, I ate the braise. Delicious.
I continue to read the Empty Heart book from Brazelon. I continue to obsess over the Mat Sci dept head from church, and my own failure to thrive in that profession, despite a good deal of promise. I like the church. I like the pastor. I even like to opportunity to deal with some ghosts, though I fear making a pest of myself. I've been out and about alot lately with this commitment to OA and church shopping. The pest fears are rampant. As well as the resignation that I can't be otherwise, and the admonition to myself that I'm not so powerful as to pester people away from what they'd do were I absent. But people are disappearing. Blaming myself, and thinking that's silly to do so, and not knowing the reality of it all.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
coincidence
Today was church and OA. I don't go to any particular church -- just looking for where I fit. That's not very easy. Today was Buck Mountain Episcopal. The scripture was James, chapter 3, the last paragraph. It was pertinent to the OA discussions as we finished Step 12 from the 12&12 and move on next week to the AA Big Book. There I met a man who is dept head of Mat Sci at UVa. He taught at CMU for several years, but after I graduated. Plenty of troubled thinking in the wake of that meeting, over my failure to thrive in Metallurgy, and the 20 years hence feeling alienated and not economically viable. That was part of the OA discussion too -- two separate lines of thought with different origins and different (though proximate) occasions but common theme. I've still not learned how to be a grown up, and it's too late now. I've already grown old.
I'm not sure what to make of coincidence. The temptation is to attribute it to Providence. Or as I rationalize, it's just an arbitrary event, like those that made me fight the attribution of Providence in leading me to rent from Danny. Yet more challenging thoughts. It's been a day for such.
Breakfast was a 2-egg fritatta with the remainder of some blanched pepper rings I bought at farmers market. about 1/2 loaf of stale artisan wheat bread, some broccoli florets and shrooms and a left over bacon-wrapped filet. A heavy breakfast. Quite tasty. Mid day was nibble, mostly junk food. All day, spare ribs had been in the smoker. I ate hearty -- another heavy meal. Also store-bought tater salad -- 2 lbs for $3 special. Junk since -- sparingly. Some expired blueberry turnovers -- 2 eaten, 2 in reserve.
I've leftovers in the fridge for tomorrow morning. The two peppers from yesterday. As usual, I'll fret over portable snacks. I got some Silk fruit and protein drink. If I can find a container, I thought such might hit the spot mid-day. I've not examined the specifics, but it seems to me a good alternative to the kind of stuff the nutritionist was pushing.
I'm not sure what to make of coincidence. The temptation is to attribute it to Providence. Or as I rationalize, it's just an arbitrary event, like those that made me fight the attribution of Providence in leading me to rent from Danny. Yet more challenging thoughts. It's been a day for such.
Breakfast was a 2-egg fritatta with the remainder of some blanched pepper rings I bought at farmers market. about 1/2 loaf of stale artisan wheat bread, some broccoli florets and shrooms and a left over bacon-wrapped filet. A heavy breakfast. Quite tasty. Mid day was nibble, mostly junk food. All day, spare ribs had been in the smoker. I ate hearty -- another heavy meal. Also store-bought tater salad -- 2 lbs for $3 special. Junk since -- sparingly. Some expired blueberry turnovers -- 2 eaten, 2 in reserve.
I've leftovers in the fridge for tomorrow morning. The two peppers from yesterday. As usual, I'll fret over portable snacks. I got some Silk fruit and protein drink. If I can find a container, I thought such might hit the spot mid-day. I've not examined the specifics, but it seems to me a good alternative to the kind of stuff the nutritionist was pushing.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Bike ride
I hadn't been on a long ride since Labor Day. Today was a good day for a ride -- temperate and no pressing business. My GPS watch was uncharged, so I just rode without it. Doing a route map, I see I rode about 20 miles. Didn't keep track of the time. I know I was spent toward the end. Took my smoothie along. It really hit the spot toward the end of the ride, still partially frozen. I ate the last lump like a popsicle. Besides that, I had 3 500ml bottles of water, an Arizona diet Arnold Palmer, some water at a rec center, and a 12-oz coffee early on, and one of those Kelloggs newtony things. Before the ride, 3 bologna and provolone sandwiches on bagel thins with some farmers market pesto. Also a single serving yogurt.
Made 6 stuffed peppers. Ate 3. Donna ate 1. I put two in the fridge for a quick breakfast. Still have a bowl of filler. My idea was to cook it inside a pie pumpkin. I just might.
I leave for a trip in a few days -- Thursday morning train to Boston to visit my sister and see my favorite band in concert. I'll visit a few site of family-history interest. Find some nice walks. I'm not sure when or how, but I'd like to visit near Wickford RI on a rental bike.
I've not done much today recovery-related. Sponsor-seeking will be deferred until back from my trip. Tomorrow, I'll go to church again, probably. Like many people, I'm not so sure God's found in a church. Alienation more like it. But I'm not sure where else to look. Which reminds me -- Stephen Mitchell apparently has done translation of both the Gita and the Tao Te Ching. I need to seek them out -- other Mitchell too. I trust him. He elucidates.
Snacking tonight.... I really need to clear out the fridge in the next 3 days. Mostly stuff that spoils. I'll let that be my guide. I've got some surplus spinach ricotta filling from last week that needs attention. Baked pasta -- yah, kinda dinnerish, but better that than pastry pig out.
Made 6 stuffed peppers. Ate 3. Donna ate 1. I put two in the fridge for a quick breakfast. Still have a bowl of filler. My idea was to cook it inside a pie pumpkin. I just might.
I leave for a trip in a few days -- Thursday morning train to Boston to visit my sister and see my favorite band in concert. I'll visit a few site of family-history interest. Find some nice walks. I'm not sure when or how, but I'd like to visit near Wickford RI on a rental bike.
I've not done much today recovery-related. Sponsor-seeking will be deferred until back from my trip. Tomorrow, I'll go to church again, probably. Like many people, I'm not so sure God's found in a church. Alienation more like it. But I'm not sure where else to look. Which reminds me -- Stephen Mitchell apparently has done translation of both the Gita and the Tao Te Ching. I need to seek them out -- other Mitchell too. I trust him. He elucidates.
Snacking tonight.... I really need to clear out the fridge in the next 3 days. Mostly stuff that spoils. I'll let that be my guide. I've got some surplus spinach ricotta filling from last week that needs attention. Baked pasta -- yah, kinda dinnerish, but better that than pastry pig out.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Another day older (16 stone and what do you get)
25 stone actually --- well, closer to 26.
I remember eating breakfast this morning. It was a followthrough on my thoughts last night. A bag of cauliflower florets bought at expiration (manager discount) about a week ago (steamed), begging to be used. A couple small (3 inch by 1 inch) farmers market sweet potatoes, peeled and steamed, and a supermarket butternut -- about 2" cut from the neck, steamed. Hand mixer blend of the three with about 2 tbsp of cream cheese and 1 tbsp of almond butter. I forget how I seasoned -- pretty much winged it. It was bland, but tasty. The nut butter was an afterthought. I probably could have used that exclusively. Something was needed. What I used worked out pretty nicely for consistency, mouth feel and flavor.
I forgot to take the smoothie again. I walked -- about a mile round trip, not sure exactly -- to the closest restaurant, BBQ joint run by a master chef, for a pint of collards. Pretty salty, with a good amount of bacon. I got some sauce to mix in it. Yum.
Dinner was soup. Some flaked salmon I had smoked on Weds. Some fish stock I made last week. Ginger and daikon shavings. Some grocery-store broth. Cabbage. Mushrooms (oyster, crimini and some other kind in a mix), Sorghum noodles. Seasoned with dill and fennel, pepper, sea salt. Kinda bland. Not real fishy. Best when I got a ginger sliver on the spoon. Also put a prickly pear innards into the soup. I had expected to have something firm inside to be shaved, but it was kinda pulpy and seedy like pomegranite. Not sure how it influenced the flavor, but I've been at a loss how to use the thing. This is my first experience with it.
I also prepared stuffed peppers for tomorrow. Used the corn in the stuffing, with some miropoix and cabbage, brown rice, diced beef and breakfast sausage. The peppers I stuffed were starting to go bad. I need to make what I envision while shopping within 2 days. Sometimes I don't until a week later. Not too often I let my veggies turn to slime. I catch and cut off the first bit of slime and finally use what I ought have used a week ago.
Speaking of which -- as an appetizer, I had about 1/3 jar of locally made kraut that had been sitting in the back of the fridge for a couple months. -- I've got a jar of brand-name live-culture kraut that's fresher, so -- I just wolfed down the old jar. Having put in my denture (full upper plate -- I have about 10 teeth left on the bottom) for the kraut, I finished of some veggie chips my wife brought home from Big Lots.
On the recovery front, my erstwhile sponsor decided wisely that it was premature for him to be a sponsor. I'm still looking. I've a plan to seek one out in Richmond, at a newcomers OA meeting. The writing tool is going well for now. I'm writing to nobody in particular -- maybe God -- open letter to the Higher Power. tee hee. As blogs go, this might flicker out sooner or later, but for now, I'm compelled to keep this going.
Ah... snacks. Last night I was content with the grapes and sweet corn. Tonight, I've not planned. That pie and ice cream I've been avoiding -- this may be the right night to indulge. My problem with OA is whether such laspes as the 8 hour fast between breakfast and dinner is a violation of abstinence, or if a 6 oz portion of ice cream is a violation. My usual portion of ice cream is more like 20 oz. I'd consider that a violation. Can I stop at 6? Just for today.
I remember eating breakfast this morning. It was a followthrough on my thoughts last night. A bag of cauliflower florets bought at expiration (manager discount) about a week ago (steamed), begging to be used. A couple small (3 inch by 1 inch) farmers market sweet potatoes, peeled and steamed, and a supermarket butternut -- about 2" cut from the neck, steamed. Hand mixer blend of the three with about 2 tbsp of cream cheese and 1 tbsp of almond butter. I forget how I seasoned -- pretty much winged it. It was bland, but tasty. The nut butter was an afterthought. I probably could have used that exclusively. Something was needed. What I used worked out pretty nicely for consistency, mouth feel and flavor.
I forgot to take the smoothie again. I walked -- about a mile round trip, not sure exactly -- to the closest restaurant, BBQ joint run by a master chef, for a pint of collards. Pretty salty, with a good amount of bacon. I got some sauce to mix in it. Yum.
Dinner was soup. Some flaked salmon I had smoked on Weds. Some fish stock I made last week. Ginger and daikon shavings. Some grocery-store broth. Cabbage. Mushrooms (oyster, crimini and some other kind in a mix), Sorghum noodles. Seasoned with dill and fennel, pepper, sea salt. Kinda bland. Not real fishy. Best when I got a ginger sliver on the spoon. Also put a prickly pear innards into the soup. I had expected to have something firm inside to be shaved, but it was kinda pulpy and seedy like pomegranite. Not sure how it influenced the flavor, but I've been at a loss how to use the thing. This is my first experience with it.
I also prepared stuffed peppers for tomorrow. Used the corn in the stuffing, with some miropoix and cabbage, brown rice, diced beef and breakfast sausage. The peppers I stuffed were starting to go bad. I need to make what I envision while shopping within 2 days. Sometimes I don't until a week later. Not too often I let my veggies turn to slime. I catch and cut off the first bit of slime and finally use what I ought have used a week ago.
Speaking of which -- as an appetizer, I had about 1/3 jar of locally made kraut that had been sitting in the back of the fridge for a couple months. -- I've got a jar of brand-name live-culture kraut that's fresher, so -- I just wolfed down the old jar. Having put in my denture (full upper plate -- I have about 10 teeth left on the bottom) for the kraut, I finished of some veggie chips my wife brought home from Big Lots.
On the recovery front, my erstwhile sponsor decided wisely that it was premature for him to be a sponsor. I'm still looking. I've a plan to seek one out in Richmond, at a newcomers OA meeting. The writing tool is going well for now. I'm writing to nobody in particular -- maybe God -- open letter to the Higher Power. tee hee. As blogs go, this might flicker out sooner or later, but for now, I'm compelled to keep this going.
Ah... snacks. Last night I was content with the grapes and sweet corn. Tonight, I've not planned. That pie and ice cream I've been avoiding -- this may be the right night to indulge. My problem with OA is whether such laspes as the 8 hour fast between breakfast and dinner is a violation of abstinence, or if a 6 oz portion of ice cream is a violation. My usual portion of ice cream is more like 20 oz. I'd consider that a violation. Can I stop at 6? Just for today.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Groan
I don't recall eating breakfast this morning. I might have had something. I've been wracking my brain trying to remember what, if anything. This morning, I was preparing the smoker. There was some beef and some salmon that would spoil if left any longer in the fridge. I also had some peppers to smoke. All the prep, including cleanup from the last time, took all morning. I did brew some coffee, and do a little reading outdoors. I was reading the beginning of a book from Hazelden on ACOAs with compulsive overeating. It's looking kinda clinical, objectifying the sufferer and her family of origin. Not my experience, really. My folks were competent and caring, though my Mom had some Mommie Dearest tantrums from time to time. I was a troubled kid, though. I'm still not sure what the trouble war, or at least might be called... but the trouble sticks with me. I call it Aspergers, but it's different. I've called it different things. Most people call me Schizo, but that's not it either.
Anyhow... breakfast. I intentionally eat breakfast. Certainly not habitually, because as long as I've been making sure I eat breakfast, when I'm not making sure, I don't. I eat not out of hunger, but of obligation -- a concession to medical advice that eating breakfast is a good thing to do. For all I know, when I pulled the beef out of the smoker and ate it on some tortillas, that was the first I ate today.
I remember thinking this morning that I needed to take my smoothie to work. It's been in the freezer for over a week since I made it. Each day I leave for work, I forget to take it. I forgot again today, even though I had thought about it beforehand. This is the way it is for me, the way it's always been, and the way I expect it will always be. I'm supposed to carry one or two snacks with me to work, and can't imagine many appealing options, and even among such options, I'm sure to leave them behind more times than not.
I do know one thing for sure -- nothing I do in the day -- breakfast, snacking, huge meals or no-seconds, this dinner or that, dessert or not, I'm compelled to be a night nibbler. The answer to night nibbling is probably not to be found in the daytime, but in the nighttime. I'm just not sure of the answer. It's certainly not bariatric surgery. I would eat the same way at night no matter if my stomach were 10 cc or 1000 cc.
Last night, starting this journal kept me away from all but a late meal of two burrito shells filled with some seven-layer dip my wife brought home -- and a 100-cal snack pack of guacamole split between them. Not the 400 cal snack I spoke of, but better than the alternative. I've been pretty veggie-less today. Some sweet corn remains in the smoker, bought at farmers market today. I expect I'll eat two ears around 9, and remove the kernels from the other two ears for some southwest corn saute tomorrow -- perhaps looking for an oil-free prep method. Tomorrow I'll be away at the antique mall where I keep a booth -- a good opportunity to take the smoothie in the freezer.
Thinking veggies, I've some cauliflower florets ready to spoil. I think steam and puree with some sweet potato and squash will be a decent breakfast. For tonight -- I've some table grapes, the corn, and maybe some broccoli with some peanut sauce I've been eager to try.
Anyhow... breakfast. I intentionally eat breakfast. Certainly not habitually, because as long as I've been making sure I eat breakfast, when I'm not making sure, I don't. I eat not out of hunger, but of obligation -- a concession to medical advice that eating breakfast is a good thing to do. For all I know, when I pulled the beef out of the smoker and ate it on some tortillas, that was the first I ate today.
I remember thinking this morning that I needed to take my smoothie to work. It's been in the freezer for over a week since I made it. Each day I leave for work, I forget to take it. I forgot again today, even though I had thought about it beforehand. This is the way it is for me, the way it's always been, and the way I expect it will always be. I'm supposed to carry one or two snacks with me to work, and can't imagine many appealing options, and even among such options, I'm sure to leave them behind more times than not.
I do know one thing for sure -- nothing I do in the day -- breakfast, snacking, huge meals or no-seconds, this dinner or that, dessert or not, I'm compelled to be a night nibbler. The answer to night nibbling is probably not to be found in the daytime, but in the nighttime. I'm just not sure of the answer. It's certainly not bariatric surgery. I would eat the same way at night no matter if my stomach were 10 cc or 1000 cc.
Last night, starting this journal kept me away from all but a late meal of two burrito shells filled with some seven-layer dip my wife brought home -- and a 100-cal snack pack of guacamole split between them. Not the 400 cal snack I spoke of, but better than the alternative. I've been pretty veggie-less today. Some sweet corn remains in the smoker, bought at farmers market today. I expect I'll eat two ears around 9, and remove the kernels from the other two ears for some southwest corn saute tomorrow -- perhaps looking for an oil-free prep method. Tomorrow I'll be away at the antique mall where I keep a booth -- a good opportunity to take the smoothie in the freezer.
Thinking veggies, I've some cauliflower florets ready to spoil. I think steam and puree with some sweet potato and squash will be a decent breakfast. For tonight -- I've some table grapes, the corn, and maybe some broccoli with some peanut sauce I've been eager to try.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Intro
Hi.
I'm Bob
I'm 57 years old.
I'm 6 foot 4 inches tall.
I weigh 360 pounds.
My waistline is nearly 60 inches
My glucose is roughly 110
My HbA1c is roughly 5.8
My Total Cholesterol is just under 200
My HDL is well under 40
My resting pulse is about 65
My blood pressure is generally under 120/80
I'm a compulsive over eater.
Trying to find my way to recovery with the help of Overeaters Anonymous, I'm starting to write, one of the nine tools of recovery.
Most folks know the Steps. I've really not even taken the first.
I've taken the kind of steps outlined in what appears to be a defunct website, smallstep.gov.
I'm struggling with starting with the tools. I found a sponsor today. I'm getting ready to make a food plan and action plan. Tentatively --- I want to eat less at a time, and more often, except at night, when I graze on this thing and that, mostly that. I can allow myself 3000 calories. I estimate I typically eat around 5000, about half that after 8 PM. A rough schedule of eating would be
I'm Bob
I'm 57 years old.
I'm 6 foot 4 inches tall.
I weigh 360 pounds.
My waistline is nearly 60 inches
My glucose is roughly 110
My HbA1c is roughly 5.8
My Total Cholesterol is just under 200
My HDL is well under 40
My resting pulse is about 65
My blood pressure is generally under 120/80
I'm a compulsive over eater.
Trying to find my way to recovery with the help of Overeaters Anonymous, I'm starting to write, one of the nine tools of recovery.
Most folks know the Steps. I've really not even taken the first.
I've taken the kind of steps outlined in what appears to be a defunct website, smallstep.gov.
- I don't drink soda.
- I shop the perimeter, not the aisles.
- I have fresh produce daily, multiples kinds, multiples times, with multiple means of preparation.
- I eat mostly whole grains.
- I eat fatty fish, mostly pink (fresh caught Chum) salmon, but also sardines. I don't eat much white fish.
- I eat meat in moderation.
- I eat beans when I can.
- I take several short walks/bike rides daily.
- I take a couple long walks/rides each week.
- I get my probiotics, from diary or cabbage.
- I avoid stress -- perhaps pathologically so, placing stress on others as a consequence.
- I get adequate sleep, though I ought be using a BiPAP ventilator, which I gave up using.
- I don't take any medications or suppliments, though there have been times I took several.
I'm struggling with starting with the tools. I found a sponsor today. I'm getting ready to make a food plan and action plan. Tentatively --- I want to eat less at a time, and more often, except at night, when I graze on this thing and that, mostly that. I can allow myself 3000 calories. I estimate I typically eat around 5000, about half that after 8 PM. A rough schedule of eating would be
- 9 AM -- 1000 cal, being 2 eggs, or 1 cup (dry) of whole grain or 3 med potatoes with 2 cups of veggies, 3 oz of meat (or 6 of beans) and 2-3 tbsp of cooking oil (I hesitate to commit to using only vegetable oils)
- 12 Noon -- 300 cal snack (fruity)
- 3 PM -- 300 cal snack (sandwichy)
- 6 PM -- 1000 cal, being 6 oz meat, starchy side or bread, and veggie side -- or some kind of stew/ragout
- 9 PM -- 400 cal nightcap -- a good time for kimchi/kraut and hummus/refried beans and such.
I'm not sure what that will amount to in the specifics. My big deal is portable snacks for mid-day. It's not something I really care to do -- I'd rather fast between breakfast and supper, but I'm told time and again that this is not good for me.
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